to think my Mil hates me /us?

[beezlebop]

Someone has put a happy anniversary thing to Me and DP on the dreaded fb. It's lovely and lots of people have commented or what have you. The only significant person who has not is my mil (she has been on fb today btw). This is after I asked for help with my DP and said how worried about him I was. She replied it was basically our business. She is a nightmare, doesn't bother much, drinks etc but I've always tried to keep a relationship going for my kids. I've done nothing to be hated for, and I don't think my DP has. It's becoming a bit like that

[madreloco]

To be fair though, you put in no capital and pay a tiny amount in rent. I don't see why either of you should be on the deeds, she's basically given your DP half a house.
Your problems are in your marriage, not with your partners mother. I can't see how she has done anything wrong. It's him that is causing your issues.

[beezlebop]

Yes, when we first moved in I asked for it all to be done legally. So we would have a repayment schedule just like with a bank. Unfortunately she resisted. She has the deeds which is proper. We pay 300a month to her. This is what she asked DP for. I was not involved in any discussions.

[madreloco]

Your problem there is with your dp, not his mother. It makes sense for her to have the deeds of the house in their names and not yours. Are you paying the mortgage or paying her rent?

[beezlebop]

Madreloco, I agree, it does. Before we moved she made sure that her and dps names only went on the deeds. Tbh, she has done well out of it too, her money doubling and it's not a giveaway . Even though myself and DP are paying her each month (us), she refused to put my name on the deeds. Which also worries me as I have no control over my home.

[madreloco]

Buying a house so OP could move closer to her family sounds quite supportive to me.

[Quitelikely]

Op

You cannot change your mil. She is who she is and she is not a hands on GP.

She isn't supportive and you need to accept that.

Stop focusing in her, it's burning you out.

Your dh is an extension of her by the sounds of it.

[beezlebop]

I had to sell a house in mine and dps name to move as I needed to move nearer my family. We moved into the house mil bought in herd and dps name. No profits from sale.

[SilverBirch2015]

I can't quite work through all the various slightly confusing details. Your PILs bought you a house as an investment, now you are talking about a mortgage.

I do think all the evidence does indicate your MIL feels she has done enough to support your DP through his life. She sounds like the sort of parent who feels their role is to provide financial support but is not able to provide emotional or other forms of support. Some people are like this, it's not a personal slight against you, I suspect whoever her DIL was, she would be the same. You cannot force her to change, maybe focus on the positive side to this, at least she is not an emotionally interfering IL or GP.

I understand that this is pretty hard for you, having lost your own mother, but she really isn't the person who can fill that gap. It can be painful even as an adult to have to deal with the unfairness of losing a much loved parent, whilst an uninterested IL is still around.

You cannot easily justify your DPs frightened behaviour, and you do need to keep yourself safe. But he does sound under a lot of pressure himself, highlighting to him that his own mother has faults and flaws may not be the best thing for either of you at the present time. Whatever you feel about her, he is still his mother.

Can you look at seeking more support from qualified professionals such as marriage guidance or personal counselling? MH problems can be very damaging in any relationship, or they could be as a result of problems in the relationship. Counselling could help you work through some of this as well as the other problems you have had to deal with.

[beezlebop]

You're right I should've called the police but bizarrely was scared to.

[beezlebop]

I was hoping we could be a family which is silly I know, all families are different. My partner went to the GP and was prescribed antihistamines to help sleep and she told him he was anxious. I've said he must go back. Thanks, you've made me realise I need to focus on my problems with DP. I have no assets as the house sale didn't cover the mortgage, tbh I have nothing of financial worth at all.

[BabyTuckoo]

Your MIL is the least of your problems, Beezlebop. You have clearly been through an awful time, you are extremely psychologically and economically vulnerable, and your husband's behaviour is hugely concerning - why focus on a member of your DH's family with whom, by your account, you have a fairly distant relationship? Forget MIL, forget FB, forget her expat status - focus on making sure you and your children are protected financially and otherwise.

I'm sympathetic to your bereavements and the major traumas you've been through, but puzzled by some of your thinking. Why not call the police when your husband started attacking furniture with a knife, why call a member of his family whom you don't trust and with whom you have no real relationship? Why does it matter whether she likes either of you, given what else you're dealing with? Is the bizarre focus on her indicative of the relationship you had with your own parents (you are unconsciously expecting her to be as involved in your life as they were?) or your anxiety and PSTD talking?

[drudgetrudy]

If your husband is terrifying you talk to Women's Aid, your MIL can't do much about it and is probably protecting herself by keeping cool and at a distance.
If she argues with her son when she visits keep right out of it.
I agree here that your MIL is only a bit player and the least of your problems.

[beezlebop]

Notyournaan, thanks that's good advice. I will start thinking.

[beezlebop]

It was really scary, he is verbal sometimes but never like that and our kitchen is small .

[NotYouNaanBread]

That's really scary, beezlebop (the knife thing, I mean)! Without being all LTB about it, you need to start getting more selfish and start protecting yourself financially this year. Get back to work, get out of that house and into something with YOUR name on the deeds.

I don't mean leave without your partner, but as a family it's not doing you any favours to be living in a house that you don't own, and you're not building up any equity for yourselves. If you two broke up 10 years down the line, you'd be left with nothing even though you have a career and a salary etc. Your MIL might be thinking that she is protecting her son financially (and I suppose yes, she is), but at a huge cost to you.

[DownWithThisTypeOfThing]

Also this response to Madreloco is a bit off
beezlebop

Madreloco, please read op first. My mum is dead. My dad is a pensioner. I ask for nothing off him, or my mil.

When you'd previously posted
My parents keep helping even though they're retired and not well off

Dont be telling people to read the OP when you've clearly forgotten what else you've added.

[DownWithThisTypeOfThing]

Ignore FB. Don't judge people on what they do/don't do it on it. Arguing with DP for an hour over his mum not commenting is frankly ridiculous.

Agree with shakirasma - you need to ensure you're protected financially. You sold your joint house to move into one owned by DP and MIL? Thats a really vulnerable position to put yourself in.

From the rest if your posts you are obviously having to deal with a lot of problems. Whether MIL likes you is not something you should expend energy worrying about - you've got bigger fish to fry.

[DazzleU]

I JUST WANTED HER TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER SON AND KIDS.

This is not your responsibility to ensure - it's your MIL and your DP.

So try very hard to step back from taking that on your shoulders.

Do you need more help with your mental health to cope better with things - would seeing GP again help? Do you think your DP needs help or you need something like relate marriage counselling - or if you really feel threatened do you need to leave this relationship - and need to work towards doing that?

[morage]

You were the one earning a good wage working 80 hours a week. What financial assets do you have?

[madreloco]

It sounds to me like you have severe problems with your husband but you are focusing your anger on your mil who has little to do with the issue.

[DazzleU]

Trouble is a visit has been announced for May and I am dreading it. I know they will argue.

I can get worked up about visits - they aren't always as bad as I think.

Can you plan - have escape when they do argue - a set of words to trot out like - well that's between your mother and you which mean you don't get dragged into their fights - or an escape for visits period - night our organised or a course to attend or a room to paint something that gives you a break?

I'd focus on what going on with your DP at the minute - is he frustrated, under stress - a complete twat ? have you tried calmly talking to him about the incident or calming stating that it scared you?

[madreloco]

Excuse me, but from your own post : My parents keep helping even though they're retired and not well off

Her relationship with her son is not for you to control.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Your partner isn't as lovely as you think he is - and your MIL isn't as horrible as you think she is. Take some responsibility for your decisions and work now on safeguarding yourself and your children because your partner is the one who is causing you problems, not your MIL. Your MIL sounds reserved and to be honest, I don't blame her.

What can you do to get your independence back and put a separate roof over your heads (yours and children's) if you needed to? You don't have to do it now but you should know what your back-up plan is.

If your MIL is coming to visit in May, absent yourself with your children as much as possible and leave her and her son to argue amongst themselves.

[morage]

That sounds very frightening beezlebop.

[beezlebop]

Morage, I had cooked dinner and he came into the kitchen where I was preparing the plates and basically attacked it. the roast, plates etc went flying. He was repeatedly and violently stabbing the board and food with a carving knife.