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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want my oh to propose?

58 replies

Sunshinegirls · 27/04/2015 10:20

I have been with my partner for 10 years and he is fab, we have two girls and he loves me, but is not romantic at all. We both want to get married but I feel robbed that he has never proposed,he just said, "we might as well get married then". He makes me feel that marriage is practical rather than romantic. Have I just watched too many soppy films? I just long for a romantic story of my own.

OP posts:
YouBetterWerk · 27/04/2015 10:23

Have you told him how you feel?

Nolim · 27/04/2015 10:25

Why dont you propose?
And marriage is practical imo.

Original poster
Sunshinegirls · 27/04/2015 10:27

Yes, a lot! I've explained it's probably my insecurities and he always gives me a hug but avoids talking about it.

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Original poster
Sunshinegirls · 27/04/2015 10:30

I could I suppose but it won't make me feel any better. I could just go ahead and organise a wedding, he would be fine with it, but I would like him to make me feel a bit special

OP posts:
helloelo · 27/04/2015 10:32

Yab[slightly]u I think but I'd be too.
Maybe he's worried about the ring? Be clear you don't need a huge stone, just something symbolic and a good restaurant meal?

BabyTuckoo · 27/04/2015 10:32

YABU, obviously, though you can't help how you feel. But be reasonable, Sunshine - this isn't a 19thc novel where you've just touched hands in a ballroom for the first time and your mother is starting to think about a trousseau.

You've been happily together for a decade and have two children, so it would make absolutely no sense to revert to the 'getting engaged' model leftover from a very different style of relationship, where it's early days and - cue romantic cliche - he 'whisks you off' somewhere, drops on one knee at the Eiffel Tower/ gets the waiter to hide a diamond in your lemon tart/books one of those appalling-sounding 'proposal stays' where a pissed-off chambermaid throws armful of rose petals on your hotel bed to create an atmosphere.

You love each other, you're together, and you're past that stage of your relationship - and this is a good thing. You say yourself that your partner isn't romantic - do you want him to do the cheesily obvious while hating every second purely so that you can have a 'story'?

You do have a 'story' - the actual story of your relationship and your love and your children.

And marriage is practical, rather than 'romantic'.

hobNong · 27/04/2015 10:32

I've never 'got' the waiting to be proposed to thing. My thoughts are that if you're in a serious, committed relationship you'd discuss marriage and reach a joint decision.

When you say you've talked to him, have you told him you want a romantic proposal or just that you want to get married? Are you sure he wants to get married?

MangoJuggler · 27/04/2015 10:34

Baby that is a GREAT post.

YouBetterWerk · 27/04/2015 10:34

If it's important to you and he knows how you feel then it is a shame he hasn't done some sort of gesture (yet) Flowers
I do think people put a huge amount of pressure on proposals though. Recently a friend of mine had an amazing proposal in one of the most romantic cities in the world, and she made him stand up and do it again because he'd 'not said the right words' Sad
So I would suggest perhaps waiting it out a bit, keeping the conversation open and letting it be clear that this is important to you, but also try not to have crazy high expectations, he is clearly already very committed to you.
It may well be that he has something up his sleeve, give it a while. Smile

ImNameyChangey · 27/04/2015 10:35

Mine didn't propose and since he didn't want to, I wouldn't want him to either if that makes sense. It would make him very uncomfortable so why would I want that?

We just came to the mutual decision to marry....I did think at one point..."Oh...I didn't get a proposal" but then got over it as my DH would go red, dread it...and feel silly. I don't want him to do something he's not happy doing.

Original poster
Sunshinegirls · 27/04/2015 10:37

He knows that I don't care about expensive rings, I even showed him one I like on etsy, (£25)
I guess our life is already just quite practical already, bringing up two kids, he works a lot, no time for ourselves etc. I think I want to feel like there is something romantic and exciting for me, like I'm a bit more than just a mum!
Even re reading what I have written makes me feel a bit childish and unreasonable lol!

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Original poster
Sunshinegirls · 27/04/2015 10:39

Thank babytuckoo, that is exactly the talking too I needed!! Brilliant :-)

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Original poster
Sunshinegirls · 27/04/2015 10:39

Thanks babytuckoo! That is exactly the kid of talking to I needed! Brilliant!

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WhoNickedMyName · 27/04/2015 10:40

YABU, sorry.

I get the impression that him buying a £25 quid ring from Etsy and going down on one knee in the kitchen just won't do it. You've told him how you feel 'a lot'. He now probably feels that he won't be able to meet your 'romantic proposal expectations'. What exactly does a romantic proposal look like to you?

Mrsstarlord · 27/04/2015 10:42

I got a text, 'shall we get married then?'

YouBetterWerk - thats awful, I'd have left her there!

OP, I feel your pain but if he is otherwise fab - does it matter? I think if I kept talking to DH about this it would make him so anxious and uncomfortable that he would avoid it even more!

Enjoy planning the wedding, tell him you'd like an engagement ring (maybe for birthday or christmas) - get wed. Enjoy the rest of your lives together

CaptainAnkles · 27/04/2015 10:44

If you both want to get married, and you already know that, why do you need the big proposal moment? It has no bearing on your future together or what your wedding would be like. It sounds like you've already agreed to get married, so why he would ask you afterwards?

DoJo · 27/04/2015 10:46

He makes me feel that marriage is practical rather than romantic.

He's right - it is. You are already more committed to each other than you would be if you were married without children, so there's not much left to do but tie up the paperwork! I have never met anyone who felt significantly different after they got married to the way they felt before, especially amongst those who shared their lives together in the way that you describe. Any 'story' is romantic if it's the story of your shared love - the man you love isn't the kind of man do to a big proposal, yet you have chosen him to spend your life with. Isn't that romantic in itself?

YouBetterWerk · 27/04/2015 10:50

MrsStarLord Yes, it was. She came over for dinner the day after they got back and cried about the whole thing because it wasn't 'the dream'
At one point she leant right in his face and goes 'What.Do.You.Want.Me.To.BE?!?!'[shock]
My OH said at that point he would have said 'I want you to be my ex girlfriend' and tuned on his heel.

BabyTuckoo · 27/04/2015 10:52

But of course you're not unreasonable to want to feel you and your partner haven't entirely lost the couple side of your relationship in busy, child-and-job-filled lives - I just don't think that trying to resolve that via some kind of cliched romantic proposal is the best way of doing that. Can you think of ways of setting aside some time to spend together without your daughters?

And what DoJo said - your real story, whatever it is - how you found one another, fell in love, and had your children - is much more touching and romantic than one of those He Whisked Me Away 'romance by numbers' proposals.

Brandysnapper · 27/04/2015 10:54

I made my own romantic story by proposing to him .

SurlyCue · 27/04/2015 10:55

I just long for a romantic story of my own

What on earth for? To have something to make your friends "ahhh" over when you tell them how he did it? Seriously, unless he is pulling rabbits in tuxedos out his arse then your "story" is nothing new and people are bored to death of hearing about them. What would be original is a couple not buying into all the hype and just getting on with the marriage they have already agreed to having without it having to be "magical".

Original poster
Sunshinegirls · 27/04/2015 11:33

I'm loving all your replies! So funny! You are all right, I'm being a bit of a nob. I shall stop this childish whining immediately and get the registry office booked :-)

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Original poster
Sunshinegirls · 27/04/2015 11:34

Thank you x

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hobNong · 27/04/2015 11:35

My OH said at that point he would have said 'I want you to be my ex girlfriend' and tuned on his heel.

That's what I would have done too YouBetterWerk. I'm surprised the guy in this case didn't.

hobNong · 27/04/2015 11:37

Sunshinegirls does that mean your engaged now?