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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Always the host, never the hosted...

57 replies

Loopylala7 · 06/03/2015 21:43

I wouldn't say I'm a keen host, more of a take my turn to get it out of the way host. I have a friend who just never seems to offer. Any mention of a play date (could be her mentioning it) and she jumps straight in with an 'I don't mind coming to you' even though I haven't offered. I find this behaviour a little odd, as I would sooner volunteer my own house before volunteering someone else's. To add to this she's started suggesting other people I should invite round to mine to for the play dates. This has been going on for about a year now, probably once or twice a month. I have been to her house, it's lovely, and her OH seems nice, but that was nearly a year ago.

I'm getting a bit fed up of it. I don't think I'm fussy, I have young children, so theres always a bit of mess, but the house is always a real state at the end, so I end up with the tidying. Is her behaviour a bit strange? are there many people out there who shirk hosting duties? I'm starting to think I'll just make up excuses not to see them soon. AIBU or is she?

OP posts:
Missdee2014 · 06/03/2015 21:47

I was the opposite when my kids were wee, I preferred to have them at my house. No real reason other than I'm not big on visiting others so it doesn't bother being at mine.

Lucyccfc · 06/03/2015 21:47

Just respond with 'love to, but I'll come to you this time'

Missdee2014 · 06/03/2015 21:47

Wouldn't say U are being unreasonable though. Only fair she takes a turn. Perhaps she doesn't realise she's doing it though.

pookamoo · 06/03/2015 21:48

If you are the "hosted" you can choose when you leave...

Morelikeguidelines · 06/03/2015 21:49

If I go to others for a play date I try to help tidy before I go. Or we get the kids to tidy a bit now they are older (6).

Original poster
Loopylala7 · 06/03/2015 21:50

Pookamoo, picking a time I wanted to leave and then leaving the host with the cleaning up would be a lovely change! ;)

OP posts:
wartsnall · 06/03/2015 21:51

I'm the same - bbqs are always at ours and friends very rarely have them, I'm told its because ours is 'such a socialable house' yet it would be nice to be a guest sometimes Hmm

wartsnall · 06/03/2015 21:54

*sociable

lougle · 06/03/2015 22:05

I have a bouncy dog. That makes hosting tricky. He's getting better but still too bouncy for children who are not frequently exposed to dogs.

Original poster
Loopylala7 · 06/03/2015 22:17

She doesn't have a bouncy dog!

OP posts:
sosix · 06/03/2015 22:19

Maybe house was clean as you were visiting but she finds it too hard to keep up with?

Original poster
Loopylala7 · 06/03/2015 22:24

She is super organised and possibly more house proud than me. I'm starting to think she just don't want to mess up her own place?

OP posts:
MincePieDiet · 06/03/2015 22:28

Yes that's exactly it. I used to have a friend who liked play dates at my house or not at all. It finally clicked after six months when she said "it's not that I don't want you at mine but..." And I realised she most definitely did not want us at hers.

CupidStuntSurvivor · 06/03/2015 22:41

Yep, she's doing it so she's not lumbered with the cleaning.

Next play date, when she's leaving, make a point of saying "it's been lovely seeing you! We'll come to you next time and give my carpet/mop/frequently cleaned item a rest!"

Metalguru · 06/03/2015 23:42

Yanbu. I know people like this and it is selfish, plain and simple. I think they tell themselves, "oh but she loves hosting" or something, I couldn't be like that.

Original poster
Loopylala7 · 06/03/2015 23:55

I'm seriously considering ditching her, is that harsh? There have been a few instances recently where she's really peed me off with the invites, for example inviting herself and dc round for lunch when I didn't offer?! Also telling me to invite others to the lunch I will be providing and to sort out my garden so that the children can play out! The last one was the icing on the cake. Would you ditch? It's a bit awkward as we have a few mutual friends.I haven't relented to these demands mind

OP posts:
ASAS · 07/03/2015 00:01

Em, get rid of her! Not so much as offering you a morning coffee after all that, pffft.

xvxvxvxvxvxvxvxv · 07/03/2015 06:53

Inviting others to yours for lunch? Cheek. Maybe suggest you all go to sift play or the park for a picnic when it gets a bit warmer and then invent some excuse like you're getting electrics done and there's dangerous wires out for a bit and see if she still wants to meet up.

bakingaddict · 07/03/2015 07:10

Agree with Cupid when she next suggests a play-date say that's lovely what time shall I come over to your house then. It's been at mine for the last x times i'm looking forward to not having loads of cleaning up this time. See what her reaction is

Madeyemoodysmum · 07/03/2015 07:18

Tell her yr having some work done and your house us out of action for a month. If she doesn't offer to host id ditch

I have a friend who does this.

She said recently I'm not hosting as I work. Well all of us in our group work to some degree. That really annoyed me. She showed up at a friends last week and moaned As friend hadn't had time to bake. She had a child in hospital the week before. I want to ditch her but I know if loose friends if I did as some of them are very clicky to her.

Westendgal · 07/03/2015 07:22

I have friends like this only our children are grown and not involved! Stiil they won't host. Drives me potty. I've stopped hosting and sadly therefore don't see them as much.

Just stand firm and do not take another turn. Then see what happens.

PrettyLittleMitty · 07/03/2015 07:36

Prefer to host anyway tbh. I like the comfort of my own home and with 4 small children it's easier than carting all their things from one place to another. That said, it would be nice to be invited to someone else's for a change. I agree, tell her your place is out of action for a while and see if she offers, if not ditch!

BumgrapesofWrath · 07/03/2015 07:41

YANBU

This has been happening with us as well, and I suspect it's because she wants to keep her house tidy. I get the comment that my house is "relaxed" (read as complete tip) from her, so I also guess she doesn't think it matters to me.

I've resolved it by falling out with her, but I wouldn't recommend it Grin! I think you should just avoid her for a bit and see if she gets the picture.

comedancing · 07/03/2015 08:58

From another perspective.. I never minded hosting playmates but l have a block about hosting dinner parties..my friends are really in to it and we definitely eat in all their houses more. My house is lovely..we can afford it but l really struggle confidence wise with it. When l do it it goes fine but l have to really step out of my comfort zone...but l love my friends.. I am a good friend in every other way.. Maybe better than them in other ways as remember details of their lives kids always genuinely interested but I HATE HOSTING.it's my own insecurities in that area...l think you need to ask if you enjoy the friendship and go from there.

Turquoiseblue · 07/03/2015 09:11

Stand firm. 'No I it doesn't suit me to host, but it is a good idea to meet up, let s go to your house ! '

Seriously consider putting a bit of distance between you. If you re not as available she might make a little more effort

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