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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Always the host, never the hosted...

57 replies

Loopylala7 · 06/03/2015 21:43

I wouldn't say I'm a keen host, more of a take my turn to get it out of the way host. I have a friend who just never seems to offer. Any mention of a play date (could be her mentioning it) and she jumps straight in with an 'I don't mind coming to you' even though I haven't offered. I find this behaviour a little odd, as I would sooner volunteer my own house before volunteering someone else's. To add to this she's started suggesting other people I should invite round to mine to for the play dates. This has been going on for about a year now, probably once or twice a month. I have been to her house, it's lovely, and her OH seems nice, but that was nearly a year ago.

I'm getting a bit fed up of it. I don't think I'm fussy, I have young children, so theres always a bit of mess, but the house is always a real state at the end, so I end up with the tidying. Is her behaviour a bit strange? are there many people out there who shirk hosting duties? I'm starting to think I'll just make up excuses not to see them soon. AIBU or is she?

OP posts:

Delphine31 · 07/03/2015 09:18

Along similar lines to what Comedancing says, I think there can be confidence issues with hosting. For me, with dinner parties (don't have kids so can't talk about play dates) I'm getting better at cooking for friends and actually enjoy it now but it is still rather stressful. But I haven't invited people over to my place because I don't want them to have to go to the effort of coming to me. If they have kids they'd have to organise a babysitter. But even for those that don't, the little devil voice in my head says 'Don't invite friends over. They don't want to have to go to the effort of coming over to your house'. I think I'm very silly but it still puts me off inviting people!

notnaice · 07/03/2015 10:17

Next time she mentions it, just say "great. We'll come to yours this time." Depending on her response, then you can decide to ditch or not. She may genuinely think you don't mind, if you've never said anything before.

TheresACatInMeKitchen · 07/03/2015 10:24

Yes its fine not to host if you'd rather not, but you do not volunteer someone else to do it so you don't have to, an to dictate who else should be invited and what you should do with your garden is just a bloody cheek!!

But agree you need to start making yourself or your house unavailable!!!

marfisa · 07/03/2015 11:14

YANBU. I feel your annoyance as this happened to me with two different mums. Neither of them ever went as far as inviting other people round to mine though, and asking me to tidy my garden!

In one case, the mum let drop one day that she doesn't like to have playdates at her house because 'it makes the house so untidy'. But letting her DC make a mess at my house was fine, apparently!

The other mum came round all the time with her DC until I finally decided that I wasn't going to let her come again until she reciprocated the invitation. So every time she mentioned coming round to mine, I would drop very broad hints along the lines of, 'The DC and I would really love to come to yours this time.' At which point she would say, 'But my DC prefer going to yours!' It was clear she wasn't prepared to invite us round. So I would say something vague about how we'd get back to her. This happened a couple of times. The last time I was really very explicit: 'Actually, the DC feel disappointed that they never go to play at your house.' She still chose not to extend an invitation.

Both friendships just ebbed away, sadly enough, once I decided I wasn't going to say yes to their attempts to invite themselves round. No big confrontations or anything, just the other mums quietly disappearing. I'm quite a softy and not at all a 'tit for tat' kind of friend - if they had just reciprocated once in a blue moon, it would have been enough for me to keep letting them come round and keep the friendships going. But at a certain point enough was enough. All they would have had to do was have us round ONCE. It's quite telling to me that both mums were prepared to let the friendship drop rather than going to the trouble to invite us round! It's weird.

tobysmum77 · 07/03/2015 11:37

OK I'm going to be generous - is it because she needs a change of scene?

AuntieDee · 07/03/2015 11:38

I've not read the other replies but it sounds a bit like the reverse of my situation. I'm always the one doing the visiting - mainly as it's easier for me to travel than my friends.

I'd be horrified if my friends thought I was taking advantage of their hospitality when I was just trying to make things easier for them - I always thought it was a mither to gets a bunch of kids ready for a trip out?

Purplepoodle · 07/03/2015 11:50

My friend does this but she freely admits that she hates her house being messed up. So we usually do her house in summer as she has fab garden and my house in winter. We always take turns with food though and her kids help tidy up before they leave

sandgrown · 07/03/2015 11:58

For hosting a dinner party just tell them you will be ordering a take away or get everyone to bring a course. Much less stressful

cece · 07/03/2015 12:23

I prefer to go to other's houses. I am not bothered about the mess in my house at all. However my ds2 has behaviour problems and it's easier for us to just leave if he kicks off. sometimes when it happens visitors don't always leave when he kicks off. I then have to host and deal with ds2. I find it too stressful.

Normanpriceisnotarolemodel · 07/03/2015 13:18

It sounds like my SIL, who openly laughs about always going to other people's houses so she doesn't have to do anything. She's entitled beyond belief.

finnbarrcar · 07/03/2015 13:22

My niece was like this. Her house looked like something out of Homes and Gardens, when she was in the mood she was happy to show it off and act all Nigella for the day but mostly she wanted to go round other people's homes and allow her DCs to "let off steam" (i.e trash the place) because they must have had to walk on eggshells in their own home. It used to royally piss me off. We ended up having a bit of a snit about it and no longer speak, which is very sad.

changeshow · 07/03/2015 13:43

YANBU - sounds extremely annoying.

Ask her kids to tidy up before they leave or say 'when are we coming to yours then?'. Or if she keeps on about the lunch plan, say 'I'll do that after we've come to yours, it'll be a nice change'.

Otherwise stick to reciprocal playdates / dinners. It seems mean to keep tabs on those 'turn' it is but that way you only hang out with people who are prepared to make the same effort that you do.

ThingummyJigg · 07/03/2015 13:48

I know someone a bit like this. "She" hosts the playdates when the nanny is on duty, and her children go to other people's houses when the nanny isn't working. This woman's children are all "spirited" - and more so when they have children over to play.

She gets through friends nearly as quickly as she gets through nannies.....

RachelWatts · 07/03/2015 13:53

I find hosting stressful and prefer going to other people's houses.

I think it's because when DS1 was 9 months old I hosted a coffee morning for the baby group, and DS1 was ill. He screamed and cried non-stop, while everyone else sat around asking for cups of tea. I ended up taking DS1 to A&E that night and he was in hospital for 2 days.

I do make an effort to ask people round, though, although I don't really relax while the play date is going on.

Original poster

Loopylala7 · 07/03/2015 14:53

I have caved (a little) and she's coming over in the next few days, but under my conditions not hers. I'm going to take some advice and back off a bit and see if she'll host next

OP posts:

BigRedBall · 07/03/2015 15:03

Yes yes yes. This happens to me with one particular person. Last time I was "invited" she cancelled and somehow invited herself over to mine on the same day ...

I have a "no food upstairs" rule and her dd kept hiding biscuits and food from the cupboard and taking them upstairs to eat and I found crumbs all over Dd's room. When I said "no food upstairs" this woman just giggled like it was a joke or something! Her children left toys all upstairs and downstairs. It was like she just came to eat, make a mess and then leave. No offer to help tidy up or anything. This last time was particularly bad.

We've been around her house about 4 times in total over about 3 years, yet she invites herself over whenever. I've had enough now and will not be hosting this particular family ever again.

Dowser · 07/03/2015 18:28

She's lazy.ditch her.

It should be turn and turnabout unless like someone else says they prefer their own home.

expatinscotland · 07/03/2015 18:37

Stop being a wet lettuce. She's using you. Why invite her again? She's a cheeky mare.

captainfarrell · 07/03/2015 18:52

YANBU! I've had this a lot. My DH says to take it as a compliment, people obviously enjoy our house and hosting but it does feel a bit one way. Maybe they lack confidence so try some flattery as in: ' It was lovely when we came to you last year, haven't been to yours for ages...." If they don't get the hint, stop inviting! Simples.

pookamoo · 07/03/2015 19:42

Posted and ran last time.

I kind of agree with everyone else, but my comment about leaving when you want wasn't really about the mess.

I have an acquaintance who used to come round to ours for aydates, and stay, and stay, and st.ay We'd start at 2pm, with no mention of stating for tea (read: not in vited for tea) and by the end of it I would be saying "thanks for coming but I really need to put the DC to bed now!)
In the end, I would only go to hers, sow e could es ape!

arethereanyleftatall · 07/03/2015 19:42

Yanbu.
And to the few non- hosters on this thread.....

It's far easier to travel than to host
Most people dislike hosting. It's stressful. I just do it so that I get my 'turn' the next time.

pookamoo · 07/03/2015 19:45

Dreadful phone typing there! Sorry!

Not implying you are like my guest, OP, but maybe she feels she needs the "beginning, middle, end" framework of going out.

eddielizzard · 07/03/2015 19:51

well i hate hosting but i do it because it's reciprocal.

i'd say next time 'great! i'm really tired. i'll come to you this time.'

seriously she's using you. of course she doesn't want her house messed up. she can't be arsed cooking or providing tea whatever. she's taking advantage.

80schild · 07/03/2015 20:05

YANBU I don't like hosting as I find other people's children a bit difficult to deal with and my own children are more difficult as well. I like taking turns and then it is fair. If I end up hosting more than 2 times without a return invite then I just don't invite them back. It's a simple and effective strategy I find.

ChillySundays · 07/03/2015 23:17

I agree with Bumgrapes.

Her house is kept tidy as well as not having to feed anyone

Next time before she has a chance you step in and say have something being done at the house so I'll come to you next week.

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