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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grrr, PIL trying to potty train ds.

31 replies

PotatoLetters · 17/02/2015 17:43

They are looking after ds today and apparently have left him nappy free because he will tell them when he needs a wee. Apart from he didn't and he wee'd on Sil (no kids, not immune to it like me!) He is 2.9 and we've tried to train him twice before. I know he needs to be trained but hes recently had a new sibling and I want to leave it a bit longer. AIBU to think this sort of thing needs prior organisation/discussion? Should I say something when they drop him off?

OP posts:
Egog · 17/02/2015 17:45

Yes, say something. Not really their decision to make!

Original poster
PotatoLetters · 17/02/2015 17:57

What should I say?

OP posts:
bubalou · 17/02/2015 18:00

Not their decision to make.

They can actually cause some negative effects on him if they are not careful.

I worked in a nursery for a few years with children aged 2-3 so the classic potty training years. All children were trained by the time they were 3 and went up to pre-school. (Nursery policy)

Of course they need suggestions and I would recommend having a potty in all bathrooms and suggesting they go on it casually every now and again even if you aren't going hard on the potty training yet.

However - from experience helping to train at least over 60 children in my time there I found that if they weren't ready - nothing would really work.

Some just needed a couple more weeks and then all of a sudden it would click.

They all find their way before long.

Smile
KnittedJimmyChoos · 17/02/2015 18:05

They can actually cause some negative effects on him if they are not careful.

I agree and my own pil tried to interfere with our potty training, great grannys asking in worried voice if they were trained yet.

It made me realise some people have invisible timetable and would rather push a child who isn't ready and put the poor child and the poor people all around through endless accident bereation of "ooh but why^ I asked you a minuet ago if you needed a drink" etc

I dug in and mine was about 3 and got it seemingly straight away, I am sure she had a few accidents but two or three?

I do not get the rush and I think you need to say something like " I dont want to potty train him yet, so can you not do it please."

Showy · 17/02/2015 18:11

I understand why you're a bit cross but perhaps they think they are helping. If you have told them you are waiting because you have a new child to concentrate on, maybe they think it is taking the pressure off if they help in a practical way. Of course they might just be interfering sods. Either way, just have a quiet word.

mikado1 · 17/02/2015 18:19

Definitely say something. I would be very grrrr about this! I would just say you're looking after that, no need to try again. Btw my 2.10 recently trained and all we did was offer him nappy or pants at each change from about 2.8 and not bat an eyelid whatever he replied. One morning he said pants and we went from there. Some days he opted for a nappy at different times and that was fine and within 3-4 weeks with little/no accidents and no reminding from us, he was all done and delighted with himself. Definitely best to follow your lo especially when he has new sibling-congrats!!

Strictlyison · 17/02/2015 18:24

It's also a 'cultural' thing - we were all potty trained, me and my sisters/brothers by the time we were 18 months old, night and day according to my mum. Now, if you start potty training at 2 years old some people will say it's too early. DS2 was still in nappies when he went to nurseries (he had development delays caused by Dyspraxia as well as a speech disorder) and he was clean by 3.5 years old.

Just explain to them that with you just want to wait a bit because of the new baby. When you think your DS is ready, you will tell them.

cricketballs · 17/02/2015 18:49

Leaving your DS nappy free is not potty training - its leaving him nappy free!

Original poster
PotatoLetters · 17/02/2015 19:03

Nappy free with instructions to let them know if he needed a wee etc.

Is that drip feeding?

OP posts:
skylark2 · 17/02/2015 19:22

"Nappy free with instructions to let them know if he needed a wee etc."

Not really seeing the issue. Were you trying to keep it secret from your nearly 3 year old that older children and adults pee on the potty or toilet? Because it's past time he knew, even if he isn't ready to do it himself.

I know times change but I'm startled that you haven't already suggested to him - a minimum of six months ago, probably a year - that he should tell you if he wants a wee so he can do it in the potty. It doesn't matter if it doesn't happen straight away! If your kid has no idea when he needs a wee, no harm done. If he does know, then you should be potty training. A child who knows they're about to pee should be trying to not wet themself, not learning to ignore the feeling because it doesn't matter, the nappy will catch it.

parallax80 · 17/02/2015 19:26

YANBU, mainly because potty training is a summer activity ;-)

Leeds2 · 17/02/2015 19:30

This would have wound me up big time, however helpful they were trying to be.

Was your SIL cross?!

VacantExpression · 17/02/2015 19:35

I would have been furious OP. I have many friends who had such stressful times potty training I left my younger two DC's until they were ready themselves and they both did it in a day at 39mths. "Late" maybe, but stress free for me and them. Wouldn't do it any other way and certainly wouldn't have anyone else trying to do it either.

bubalou · 17/02/2015 19:52

Knitted jimmychoos - when I read your first line repeating what I said I was sure I was in for a scolding for over reacting etc! Grin

I'm glad you agree.

I saw it happen MANY times. Even had parents make us train their just tuned 2 year olds who were no where near ready and having 10+ accidents a day. We knew they weren't ready, told the parents and we knew they weren't trying at home! Just expected a poor 2 year old to do it at nursery as they were too lazy to put any effort in.

Also had some asking us to 'tell them off or give them time out' if they had an accident as this is what they did at home! ShockShockShock

With my own DS literally the month he turned 2 I bought a potty and a toilet seat in the latest Disney craze (think it was Cars).

I didn't ask him to use them, I left him to ask me questions - I explained and answered them with no pressure.

He went in phases of sitting on them and preferred weeing standing up in front of the toilet (as I think he thought it was fun)!

By 2.7-2.9ish he was in pants and nappies just at night.

KnittedJimmyChoos · 17/02/2015 20:06

dissapointed interesting article.

My dh and his DS were bed wetters until ten, so bad they had alarms in their beds.

Which is why I want my in laws to stay the fuck away from my dc's loo training. Grin

Bub because of my DH experiences, ^ I am hot on things like this - and believe we impose so much on children as if they wouldn't have done it without our help, when actually, its natural for us as a human to want to move forward and develop.

As said, seen too many traumatized children, left in middle of room, toddler group or friends house, stripped naked, told off, while Mum dashes off to get towels, tells child off and so on. Unpleasant but unnecessary.

KnittedJimmyChoos · 17/02/2015 20:07

Also had some asking us to 'tell them off or give them time out' if they had an accident as this is what they did at home!

This is awful. Awful.

bubalou · 17/02/2015 20:17

Completely agree Knitted!

Of course I'm not saying wait until they're 5 to suggest it to them if they don't themselves but there's ways to let them know what to do - if and when they want!!!

We had sooooo many bad examples of horrid ways parents dealt with this issue at nursery.

Some parents used to have a go at us if their child wasn't potty trained in a month. Were they doing it at home - no!?!

Of course we were there to help but it wasn't up to us to do a parents job!

When DS had an accident I never said a word. Merely took off wet clothes, cleaned him quickly and put on dry clothes. Less fuss the better.

I'm not going to lie - I wanted to punch some of the nursery parents in the face! Wink

Original poster
PotatoLetters · 17/02/2015 20:47

Sil didn't mind! It's so important that everyone is on board with potty training I think. I can't believe that some nursery parents expect nursery to train them!
They are just trying to help, I think they have about tendency to think they are in charge of him.

Skylark, I said in my op that I've tried training twice. It's the nappy removal I object to, and generally taking charge of it. I'm probably being over sensitive though!

OP posts:
julker · 17/02/2015 20:55

Just say that you don't want to confuse him and that you appreciate their efforts and will be calling upon them when it IS time to attempt it :)

Also say with new baby you don't want to change too much for him and you want to be able to put all your attention to it when you do start so will be starting around insert month which will be good because it will be warmer so he can run around with no pants on

Rosieliveson · 17/02/2015 20:58

This would irritate me. My mum is keen to get my little one (17 months!) out of nappies. I've told her no way!
I think I'd start the conversation with "I appreciate that you're trying to help but ..." He's not ready, please wait until we start at home, I don't want to do it that way etc etc etc. After all, if he's not ready the he's not ready.
Good luck with it.

Lovemycatsandkids · 17/02/2015 21:03

It's your call op not theirs but they may have just been trying to help if misguided.

I didn't start any of mine until at minimum 2 and a half and never in the winter months.

Mine were all different with dc 2 being 3 and a half before fully trained.

Dc4 was 2 and a half.

It's not a race and not a competition.

My gran used to tell us she potty trained at 18 months. 'Twas bollocks she just made them sit on the potty until they performed. It's catching not potty training.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 17/02/2015 21:11

I would be pissed off with this. I could've done without my pil's interference when I was trying to train dd1. It was like trying to nail jelly to the wall with her and they just ignored what I asked them to do. But of course they knew it all didn't they, what with Dh being trained at 18 months old. Poor dd1 was considered to be behind Hmm

She got there eventually and no thanks to them.

Have a word op

jazzandh · 17/02/2015 21:13

Actually, if they are letting him go nappy free round at their house with associated inconvenience (and assuming that they are not telling him off for accidents) really what does it matter.

It might be, that this is the time that it clicks for him and he gets it.

FWIW mine (10 and 4 now ) were both dry in the day by 2, but that's because I was fed up with the faff of nappies. If someone else had had the mess of a few missed potties - I'd have been very happy!!

LokiBear · 17/02/2015 21:14

Say something! Their behaviour is wrong and will only get worse if you don't say something.