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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I'm horrific and feel terrified

47 replies

Rowanhart · 09/02/2015 19:28

At the weekend DD (2) became v poorly with a fever. She had a violent fit and then became limp, turned blue and stopped breathing. Her eyes went glassy. At that moment the paramedics arrived and cleared her airway and she stated vomited. She's now poorly, but fine and has been released from hospital tonight.

I am 9 months pregnant, due Friday.

In the midst of it all, god forgive me, but I thought take this baby not DD. I honestly thought she was dying, not that's any excuse. I can't believe I thought it.

I feel like a horrific human being and now I'm frightened I'm going to be punished and something will be wrong with the baby.

I don't feel able to talk to DH or anyone about what I thought. How can I tell them I chose between them like that?

OP posts:

catgirl1976 · 09/02/2015 19:30

Oh sweetheart

You've had a terrible shock. Don't beat yourself up for what went through your head in that horrific moment

Your DD was the one in danger. Of course you thought you would do anything to save her. That's natural.

Please don't feel like this.

I'm glad your DD is ok

hestialou · 09/02/2015 19:31

You already know dd, and bond not developed yet with new child, put it out of mind and relax xx

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 09/02/2015 19:31

Oh rowan - you poor thing. You have had the most terrible shock. Someone much more erudite than me will be along soon to say something much wiser but I just wanted to say please dint feel bad. You weren't thinking rationally or logically

NormHonal · 09/02/2015 19:32

Give yourself a break.

With your DC1, you get to focus on them 100% from the start. I remember my DC2 feeling like a little stranger for a good few days, then things clicked into place.

You already "know" your DC1 - not your DC2. Plus you have a shitload of emotions running riot, and a very scary situation.

, and I hope both of your DCs stay safe and well.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 09/02/2015 19:32

Dd is here and you have nurtured her for 2 years. There is a very strong bond between dd and you. There is a lot of memories.

This baby is not born yet, and the only bond you have is the movements and a few scan photos.

It was an irrational thought and while I don't think you actually wanted to lose either at that time your instincts was telling you to save your dd.

W0rldCrashing · 09/02/2015 19:34

What an awful, awful experience.
I think it was a natural response to sheer terror and panic. You don't know your new baby yet. You love your child unconditionally.

I have two dc. I would have probably had the same reaction before dc2 was actually born. Once I actually had two children it wouldn't happen - I love them equally.
More for you. And please, try to look after yourself and put this horrible guilt aside. You need to try to get over the trauma of thinking you could lose your child and rest as much as you can before your lovely baby arrives!

Nocturne123 · 09/02/2015 19:34

You didn't choose between them . It was a horrible intrusive thought that came at an unbelievably stressful , emotional , awful time.

I'm sure you know deep down that you didn't mean what you thought . You're not a horrible person , you just went through something that would terrify any parent.

Please go easy on yourself and I hope your dd feels better soon . Maybe your dh would surprise you if you spoke to him about it . If it's something that keeps haunting you it would be best to speak to someone in person.

Good luck for everything

BlackDaisies · 09/02/2015 19:35

Oh please don't torture yourself. You've known and loved your dd for two years and thought you might lose her. Your thought was just a desperate wish for her to be ok. You don't have that powerful bond yet with your unborn child, which is where your thought came from. But it doesn't mean you're a bad mummy. Quite the opposite. It means you think the world of your dd. You'll build up the same bond with your second child too. Hope your dd gets better quickly. You had a big scare. Look after yourself

Ohfourfoxache · 09/02/2015 19:37

You are not horrific, you just know your dd and have bonded with her in a way that you haven't bonded with dc2 yet.

You've had an awful shock, be kind to yourself x

LokiBear · 09/02/2015 19:37

That is actually quite a normal feeling. My mum went through it too. I only have dd and I'm not keen to have another and one of the reasons why was because I don't know if I could live another baby like dd. I told my mum and she told me that she spent her entire pregnancy crying herself to sleep because she knew she loved me more. Then my brother was born and she felt exactly the same. She said her love grew and all of her pre birth feelings/worries just melted away. I'm glad your little girl is ok. Try to give yourself a break, it sounds like you've been through hell.

LokiBear · 09/02/2015 19:38

*felt exactly the same about my brother as she did about me ^

Tisiphone · 09/02/2015 19:39

You poor thing, how absolutely horrifying. Don't turn the trauma into self-blame. Most of us, if we thought there was a chance fate would listen, would probably choose the life of a child we've knkwn and loved for years over an unborn one we hadn't yet bonded with - I know I would have in your shoes. It's an absolutely natural thing to think in those appalling moments where you're terrified and bargaining with the universe in your head.

Don't give it another thought. You haven't damaged your baby or the bond you will have in any way. Best wishes for the birth.

Catzeyess · 09/02/2015 19:40

Those kinds of intrusive thoughts are really common, it does not make you a terrible person and the universe will definitely not punish you. Loads of people think like that in panicky/terrifying situations. Don't feel bad.

I'm glad your DD is feeling better

bitofanoddone · 09/02/2015 19:46

ou have basically had a massive fright that has exacerbated the fear that she on time mothers feel a bought the impending birth. Have a cry and a lovely hot chocolate --not long now until you can throw a whiskey in it- and try t9 rationalise it. When my dc had a fit and passed out it took a month to stop sobbing in the shower etc. Work through the shock. You will be fine. And I always envy someone about to meet their new baby. You are about to fall in love again!

AntiHop · 09/02/2015 19:46

You fear you're going to be punished for thinking those thoughts but i promise you that won't happen. Your brain went into overdrive. You are only human.

nocoolnamesleft · 09/02/2015 19:47

Oh sweetheart, enormous hug. Febrile convulsions are ducking scary, and almost everyone, the first time, thinks their dc is dying. When someone you love as much as your DD looks like they're dying in front of you, you cannot be totally rational. And when people are that terrified, they tend to think of irrational bargains:
Save her and I'll believe in god
Take me, not her
Save her and I'll never ask for anything again
Don't take her, anyone but her

That's what you did. And that does not mean that you're a bad mother, or that you sold your baby out. All it means is that you're human, and you were scared shitless. This won't change anything for your baby. And you'll still love them to bits. It's just that you don't know your baby as well as you know your daughter. So she is the centre of your universe. But in a few days, your universe will have 2 centres.

Quangle · 09/02/2015 19:47

You poor thing. I would totally think the same so if you are horrific so am I and so are lots of people. I didn't bond with my babies until they were born and in fact I didn't fully love them more than anything in the world until they were a few months old.

It's honestly fine and normal and in desperate moments you make all sorts of terrible bargains and promises with god or whoever.

I'm sorry you had such a terrifying experience when you are already emotionally vulnerable because of the pg and hope dd improves soon.

bitofanoddone · 09/02/2015 19:47

Fuck! *first time mothers feel about the impending second birth.

Katinkka · 09/02/2015 19:50

I've thought all manner of horrendous things. I've never done anything terrible though. You've had a terrible shock. Try not to think about it anymore. You're soon to have a lovely new baby. Take care. xx

Asheth · 09/02/2015 19:50

I was pregnant with DC3 when DC2 needed an operation. I remember almost wanting to miscarry as I felt that Fate would be satisfied with one of my children and that DS 2 could then come safely through his op...

Of course it was nonsense. DS 2 was fine and DS 3 arrived safely a few months later! And I adore them both! But when your child is in danger being rational goes out the window!

You've had a terrible shock. Hope your DD is feeling better now and good luck with the birth! All those new born snuggled to look forward to!

Tulipblank · 09/02/2015 19:51

When ds was born he was taken away and given oxygen. I remember distinctly not giving a shit whether he was ok because the relief of the contractions being over (no pain relief) was so overwhelming. I was just grateful it was all over.

Of course I love him to pieces and would happily kill for him now, but we all have distorted thoughts in times of immense stress. Don't beat yourself up about it.

magimedi · 09/02/2015 19:54

Poor you - what a horrible thing to happen.

But what you thought is quite normal - we all do this "bargaining with God" in times of great stress.

And it doesn't work & you won't be 'punished'.

I am an atheist - but when something is wrong with my DC I start to believe in God, the devil - anything to try to keep them OK. It's a natural instinct from any parent.

I am so glad that your DD is OK now & I wish you all the best for the birth of your next DC - who will be fine. I promise.

LuluJakey1 · 09/02/2015 19:55

I think what Asheth says is exactly right. You shouldn't feel guilty. Fear does awful things to our minds. No one is judging you but yourself. Let it go and look forward to your baby being born and DD being fit and well.

iwasyoungonce · 09/02/2015 19:58

I remember my dad saying that when my mum was in labour (back in the days when the men were pacing up and down outside in the waiting room) he was terrified that my mum would die, and he thought "if one of them has to die, let it be the baby".

This haunted him for a while afterwards, when he met and bonded with his son.

It's a completely understandable feeling. You didn't "choose" between them. It was a moment of panic and terror. You were just thinking "I would give ANYTHING for her to be OK". Of course you were, you poor thing.

What a shock you've had. Go easy on yourself. Don't dwell on this.
I'm so glad your DD is OK.

BlinkAndMiss · 09/02/2015 19:58

Oh OP, please, please, please forgive yourself for thinking that - an unborn child, although wanted and already loved, cannot compare to the child you have loved and nurtured for her whole life. Like Ashbeth has pointed out, it's a way of trying to placate fate and at this point miscarrying would seem like a punishment for you and not the life of a child so it is logical to want to punish yourself to save your little girl - 9 weeks or 9 months pregnant, it makes no difference at all.

You have had a horrible shock, I can't imagine going through that and especially when you are already vulnerable. It might not be the same for you but I'm pregnant at the moment, and although I've had my scans and this is a much wanted baby, I won't link my pregnancy with a real life baby until I'm holding him in my arms. It was the same with my first, it just doesn't seem like a real child until it's born to me - I know people might think this is weird. But it won't affect how I bond or what I feel for my child once he is here. But your thought is probably what my thought would be.

Don't dwell on it, you're not terrible in the slightest.

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