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AIBU?

To think I'm horrific and feel terrified

47 replies

Rowanhart · 09/02/2015 19:28

At the weekend DD (2) became v poorly with a fever. She had a violent fit and then became limp, turned blue and stopped breathing. Her eyes went glassy. At that moment the paramedics arrived and cleared her airway and she stated vomited. She's now poorly, but fine and has been released from hospital tonight.

I am 9 months pregnant, due Friday.

In the midst of it all, god forgive me, but I thought take this baby not DD. I honestly thought she was dying, not that's any excuse. I can't believe I thought it.

I feel like a horrific human being and now I'm frightened I'm going to be punished and something will be wrong with the baby.

I don't feel able to talk to DH or anyone about what I thought. How can I tell them I chose between them like that?

OP posts:

Report

Spadequeen · 09/02/2015 22:25

You are not horrific and your baby will be absolutely fine. You've had a stressful time, relax and enjoy your snuggles and kicks!

ChattyAndCatty · 09/02/2015 22:22

I'm going to echo others.
Not horrific, not by any stretch!
I've never been in a situation like that, but I would imagine it's a perfectly natural thought. No one wants to choose like that, but with all due respect you have bonded for two years with DD, the other baby isn't even here yet.
Like other PP have said, the only person judging you here, is you.
I'm glad others have had kind words to say. It's rare on here sometimes. But at least if you don't feel like you can talk to anyone in RL, you can come on here and 'talk' to us instead.
Stop beating yourself up, enjoy your 2 yo, enjoy the baby when he/she arrives.
Be kind to yourself

AnotherMonkey · 09/02/2015 22:10

I agree. A combination of a normal reaction when faced with intense fear about DD1; and end of pregnancy hormones making you feel even more emotional and guilty than you would otherwise.

Please don't worry x

bloodygorgeous · 09/02/2015 22:09

Oh you poor thing, so glad your daughter is ok now. You did nothing wrong and no bad will come of having completely natural feelings and thoughts. Best of luck with the new baby

SoleSource · 09/02/2015 22:06

Just natural reaction, don't be so hard on yourself

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 09/02/2015 22:00

Sorry forgetting my manners congratulations on your impending arrival.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 09/02/2015 21:59

Hi Rowan. Glad to hear your little one is on the mend. It must have been a horrendous shock to you all. Please please do not go through your life beating yourself up over what you said.
Heavens above but if I had to choose between my dd who I adore so much that it actually physically hurts or a child who I do not yet know then I'm afraid there's no contest.

mummyrunnerbean · 09/02/2015 21:57

When I was pregnant with DS, DP had a health scare, and I mentally bargained DS's life away if DP would be ok. Like you, I worried I'd have to 'pay for that thought' later and felt terrible for ages. The thin is though, much as we care about and in a sense 'love' babies before they're here, an heart-breakingly awful though it is to lose them, in a moment of blind panic and fear about a living person who means the world to you, it's easier to sacrifice the one you don't know yet. As everyone else has said, it's just very human and you mustn't worry . So glad your DD is ok.

Longdistancenerves · 09/02/2015 21:51

As everyone else has said, a completely natural reaction in a time of great worry and stress.

I'm so glad your DD is okay, and I wish you all the luck in the world for the impending arrival!

Charlotte3333 · 09/02/2015 21:51

No, you're absolutely not horrific. You're a wonderful, loving mother who was terrified of losing her child. Fits and seizures are terrifying, utterly terrifying. And nothing on earth can put fear into a mothers heart like a threat to her child.

You had a dreadful shock and thought something unsavoury. Nobody with a brain could possibly think badly of you for that.x

MrsBigginsPieShop · 09/02/2015 21:48

It was a perfectly rational response instilled by Mother Nature; you wanted the strongest and eldest to survive. It's just instinct kicking in! Although that's little comfort, you are not a monster! You sound a lovley mum who had an awful experience and I am sure your DH wouldn't judge you at all. Your two babies are lucky to have you x

steff13 · 09/02/2015 21:41

When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, I was so upset. Our boys were 10 and 12, and we thought we were done with babies. I really didn't want another baby. Then I started bleeding at work. I was terrified that I was going to lose her because I didn't want her, and that I deserved to lose her because I felt like that. She is now a healthy, happy four year old.

You're not a bad person for feeling like that, you're just a mother. There are so many complicated emotions involved. You were scared and upset and worried. You'll love the new one as much as your daughter.

Pico2 · 09/02/2015 21:33

Thoughts like that are normal. I was really concerned about having DD2 as I felt that we may have "used all of our luck up" with having DD1, because she is great. DD2 is here now and as far as I can tell is much like DD1, so I'd guess that he luck/fate thing isn't real.

ninetynineonehundred · 09/02/2015 20:28

Sweetheart having those thoughts doesn't mean that you don't or won't love baby.
You love your daughter.
You love your baby.
it was simply a way of verbalising your fear. That's all.

It's so normal and you are not awful.

I'm glad that you are all okay. Please let us know when baby comes so that we can all celebrate with you

SackGirl · 09/02/2015 20:12

In moments like that we aren't in control of our thoughts and feelings. The fear, shock and upset would be enough to make anyone think extreme thoughts. You are not a bad person at all, you were a mother in desperation at the fear of losing their beloved daughter.
Show yourself some compassion, you deserve it and just stay happy in the fact that all is okay.
If a big part of this is the fear that the thought you had may cause something bad to happen, have a look at it the other way round: When you think something really kind about someone or think about how much you love someone it doesn't cause anything to happen (like winning the lottery etc) so thinking something bad can't make something physically happen. If that makes sense... Anyway, after having lots of CBT for OCD I have had to battle with the idea that my thoughts could cause negative things to happen to me and my family, when really I don't have that horrible magic power.

I'm sure everything will be fine just as it would have been had you not thought that.

SorchaN · 09/02/2015 20:09

You're not at all horrific. When people are stressed (and few things are more stressful than a very sick child) their thinking can become temporarily disordered. Sometimes people have thoughts they'd never have in normal everyday circumstances. There's an old saying: 'Never believe everything you think.' I think it applies here.

Alisvolatpropiis · 09/02/2015 20:06

I think what you thought is totally understandable.

It doesn't make you a bad person, please don't beat yourself up about it. It doesn't mean you don't/won't love the new baby.

ExitPursuedByABear · 09/02/2015 20:04

You poor love.

We all make pacts with the devil in times of stress.

Don't beat yourself up and good luck with the birth.

Marmiteandjamislush · 09/02/2015 20:03

Oh OP, you poor thing. You are not horrific, you were understandably very scared. You clearly love both of your children, very, very much. PG hormones plus adrenalin are a bloody nightmare. I am pg with #3 at the moment, but when DS1 was tiny DH took his eye off him and he fell of the sofa, and screamed a lot. He was fine, but in that moment, I wished death on my very much beloved dh, he's still here. Relax and try and get some rest. xx

Rowanhart · 09/02/2015 20:02

Everyone thank you so much for your messages. Had a bit of a weep as reading them.

DD is asleep (in my bed-and me already in next to her as not prepared to take eyes off her at minute) and baby is kicking, so we're all okay.

I don't think I'll tell hubby as I'm not sure he'll understand. He's quite black and white about these things. Will ponder.

Thank you again. A bit of reassurance was what I needed.

OP posts:

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 09/02/2015 19:59

tulip - absolutely. DS was carted off from the theatre to SCBU after a horrific birth for observations.

He was our first DC and we were both shell shocked. I was told that I could visit him day or night in the SCBU. To my eternal shame, I was put in a side room and fell asleep for 12 hours straight - with no thought of DS. I could cry thinking about it now but I had been in labour for the best part of three days and was totally exhausted. I think survival instincts just kick in but I feel terribly ashamed.

Bakeoffcakes · 09/02/2015 19:58

I've thought something similar, and I have never spoken about it as I just can't. But as time passes you will realise that you did nothing wrong- you were in a traumatic, horrific situation. No one, including yourself can judge.

Please take it easy, your dd is safe, your baby is safe and you are a fantastic mother.

BlinkAndMiss · 09/02/2015 19:58

Oh OP, please, please, please forgive yourself for thinking that - an unborn child, although wanted and already loved, cannot compare to the child you have loved and nurtured for her whole life. Like Ashbeth has pointed out, it's a way of trying to placate fate and at this point miscarrying would seem like a punishment for you and not the life of a child so it is logical to want to punish yourself to save your little girl - 9 weeks or 9 months pregnant, it makes no difference at all.

You have had a horrible shock, I can't imagine going through that and especially when you are already vulnerable. It might not be the same for you but I'm pregnant at the moment, and although I've had my scans and this is a much wanted baby, I won't link my pregnancy with a real life baby until I'm holding him in my arms. It was the same with my first, it just doesn't seem like a real child until it's born to me - I know people might think this is weird. But it won't affect how I bond or what I feel for my child once he is here. But your thought is probably what my thought would be.

Don't dwell on it, you're not terrible in the slightest.

iwasyoungonce · 09/02/2015 19:58

I remember my dad saying that when my mum was in labour (back in the days when the men were pacing up and down outside in the waiting room) he was terrified that my mum would die, and he thought "if one of them has to die, let it be the baby".

This haunted him for a while afterwards, when he met and bonded with his son.

It's a completely understandable feeling. You didn't "choose" between them. It was a moment of panic and terror. You were just thinking "I would give ANYTHING for her to be OK". Of course you were, you poor thing.

What a shock you've had. Go easy on yourself. Don't dwell on this.
I'm so glad your DD is OK.

LuluJakey1 · 09/02/2015 19:55

I think what Asheth says is exactly right. You shouldn't feel guilty. Fear does awful things to our minds. No one is judging you but yourself. Let it go and look forward to your baby being born and DD being fit and well.

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