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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think swearing/name calling in an argument is never acceptable?

56 replies

GoldenBoots · 25/01/2015 13:12

Name changed for this.

No matter how many times I explain to my DP that I find swearing ('fuck off' 'shut up twat') during an argument/disagreement unacceptable, he still can't seem to grasp it. Surely I'm not the only person who thinks you can have an adult conversation/disagreement with someone but not have to resort to swearing and name calling? Instead of trying to resolve things and understand why I may be upset, he swears out of frustration and tells me to go away. Apparently I deserve it because I don't know when to stop. Would appreciate some impartial views on this!

OP posts:

ApocalypseThen · 25/01/2015 13:15

By saying you deserve it, he's saying that you force him to swear at you. Of course you don't, nobody can make another person do some thing. And of course it should be possible to have a discussion that doesn't involve losing the run of yourself.

Does the argument continue post-swearing?

TidyDancer · 25/01/2015 13:16

I think it's relative and swearing doesn't automatically make the swearer unreasonable. Context means a lot. But being told "shut up twat"....I can't believe could ever be okay.

Original poster

GoldenBoots · 25/01/2015 13:25

I just think it's so disrespectful and shows a lack of control and regard for my feelings Like he doesn't care enough about me to try and resolve things in a civilised manner so he swears at me to try and end the argument when of course it just upsets me more.
TidyDancer it's not swearing as in using a swear word to describe me off eg. 'it fucking annoyed me when', it's swearing directed at me - 'fuck off, fuck you'

OP posts:

Original poster

GoldenBoots · 25/01/2015 13:26

*describe, not describe me off.

OP posts:

wishmiplass · 25/01/2015 13:27

If my DP said anything like that to me - the shut up twat bit - he'd be out on his ear. I don't think swearing during an argument is particularly wrong though - I might tell DP to fuck off if I'm really angry or upset, but I'd never call him a name to his face

KatieKatie1980 · 25/01/2015 13:27

No you don't deserve it. My OH is exactly like this... he gets catty and then starts the swearing.

Long story shortened.. I refuse to engage him in an argument now. It drives him mad but the whole swearing thing isn't right at all imo.

browneyedgirl86 · 25/01/2015 13:29

I agree with this -yanbu. My DP wouldn't swear or call me names during a disagreement. My mum does however. She can be vile in an argument because in her words "it's the heat of the moment and everyone gets angry and says things they don't mean in a arguement"

But I don't think it's acceptable and name calling is a big no no for me.

Fullpleatherjacket · 25/01/2015 13:30

What a prince

Does he show disrespect in other ways?

skylark2 · 25/01/2015 13:36

I agree it's horrid to be sworn at, but is he doing it because he knows his debating skills aren't as good as yours so he's guaranteed to lose every civil discussion? You don't deserve it but do you know when to stop or will you only stop when he agrees you're right?

How many arguments do you have anyway? If you've had to explain it more than 2 or 3 times, I'd think it's time you went your separate ways.

PtolemysNeedle · 25/01/2015 13:41

Swearing is fine in my opinion, name calling is not.

Saying 'the fucking toaster' (for example if you're arguing about a toaster) is fine, saying 'fuck off' is not.

I have found though that people who object to any swearing at all in arguments are usually objecting to swearing just to shut the other person down and falsely claim the moral high ground.

Why does your DH think that you don't know when to stop? Do you have a tendency to make a point and then keep reinforcing it after it has been taken?

chaiselounger · 25/01/2015 13:43

I agree that his swearing is not ok.

But you seem to enjoy pushing him to this.

Why don't you show some self control and say, before he gets to this point , that he had clearly reached a point, and You walk away , and come back when he had re-gained some self control.

Or teach him, tell him that he must walk away before he gets to this point. Like a temperature gauge, counting to ten, walking about at 6 or 7, then he can come back and discuss in a sensible way.

dalmatianmad · 25/01/2015 13:45

I can certainly swear during an argument and possibly say things in the heat of the moment that I later regret, I still like to think I'm in control though and sometimes do it to get my point across and let Dp know how upset/angry am I.

Can't imagine hurtful name calling though, I love Dp dearly and would hate to say anything that really upset him.

Is your Dp abusive in any other way?

DropYourSword · 25/01/2015 13:45

I'm with ptolemy. Swearing in general is fine, name calling definitely not.

I have a potty mouth. My DH has a potty mouth. We argue a lot. But we NEVER name call. although I call him all the names under the sun in private

GokTwo · 25/01/2015 13:46

Swearing doesn't bother me eg "oh ffs" or "are you f ing joking" but name calling is horrible. No one in my family talks to each other like that no matter how angry they are. Yanbu, that would really upset me.

luckiestgirlintheworld · 25/01/2015 13:47

If my DH swore at me, told me to fuck off, or shut up, or called me a name, I would be really upset and would seriously consider whether I wanted to be with someone who valued my feelings so little.
If he told me I deserved it because I don't know when to stop I would think he was seriously manipulative and cruel.
There's no way you should talk to people you like or people you love like this.

WorraLiberty · 25/01/2015 13:48

PtolemysNeedle I totally agree.

"The wet towels on the floor are getting on my fucking nerves" = Fine

"Fuck you, stop leaving wet towels on the floor you cunt" = Not fine at all

One is an expression of frustration and the other is direct abuse aimed at the other person.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 25/01/2015 13:49

If I was in a disagreement with someone and they refused to let me walk away or followed me when I tried to, I'd quite possibly swear copiously.

It wouldn't be their fault I'd chosen to swear but tbh, if they continued to be in my space after I'd tried to extricate myself, I wouldn't feel too concerned about causing offence.

wishmiplass · 25/01/2015 13:49

What about if you said 'ah fuck off with your toaster' ... Would that be ok?

DropYourSword · 25/01/2015 13:50

I also think this depends on your stance on swearing in general. If you curse like a sailor usually, but take the stance it's not acceptable in arguments (when tempers are generally a little more frayed and people act a little less reasonably) that would feel to me like you were being manipulative to claim the moral high ground.

But I still agree, name calling is not acceptable!

Viviennemary · 25/01/2015 13:53

I don't think there's an answer to this. Do you think maybe it annoys him that you take the moral high ground and don't swear. I think it depends on the couple and what's acceptable to them. People can be extremely nasty without swearing. It depends on how it's said and what's said.

WellDidYa · 25/01/2015 13:56

i always think that once you have sworn in an argument then you've lost

but if thats how he argues, then thats how he argues, its only words

Original poster

GoldenBoots · 25/01/2015 13:59

Swearing just says to me he doesn't want to resolve things which shows lack of regard for my feelings, I don't argue with the intention of 'winning' or belittling him, I always strive to find a resolution that is best for both of us. If he was really upset and trying to get me to listen to his point of view I wouldn't respond by swearing at him out of frustration or to try and make the argument stop, which is what I feel he does.

OP posts:

TheRealAmandaClarke · 25/01/2015 14:01

I swear. I will swear more in an argument.
I dont really find it offensive per se.
But i would never justify my profanity by stating that someone "deserved it"
I dont swear at/ with ppl who dont use it or like it.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 25/01/2015 14:02

Ah. Good post worra

DropYourSword · 25/01/2015 14:04

GoldenBoots do you ever swear. Does your partner swear outside of arguments? Do you bring it up ever and ask him not to, outside of arguments?

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