To think swearing/name calling in an argument is never acceptable?

[GoldenBoots]

Name changed for this.

No matter how many times I explain to my DP that I find swearing ('fuck off' 'shut up twat') during an argument/disagreement unacceptable, he still can't seem to grasp it. Surely I'm not the only person who thinks you can have an adult conversation/disagreement with someone but not have to resort to swearing and name calling? Instead of trying to resolve things and understand why I may be upset, he swears out of frustration and tells me to go away. Apparently I deserve it because I don't know when to stop. Would appreciate some impartial views on this!

If he was really upset and trying to get me to listen to his point of view I wouldn't respond by swearing at him out of frustration or to try and make the argument stop, which is what I feel he does.

Then I'm with your dh. It's nigh on impossible to have a rational discussion with someone who's 'really upset' and even more difficult to find resolution. I'd feel fairly annoyed with someone who was trying to force me listen to their point of view, while uptight. That doesn't sound like a worthwhile discussion to me. It sounds like being forced to pay audience.

If you want to have beneficial discussions, why not come from a calm and reasonable place, in order to create room for a calm and reasonable response?

Sometimes arguments can get so heated that resolution cannot be reached at that time. It comes later when both parties have had a bit of time to calm down and start discussing the issue properly.

I try very hard not to swear. Generally. I am intelligent and eloquent enough.
But sometimes I do. In frustration. In anger.
I swear out loud, not AT anyone.
Or I try not to swear at anyone. But I have done, on occasion.

In arguments, I do swear, after we've been talking for a long time.
I say , to Dh,:
things like "ffs, that's ridiculous".
"Don't be a fucking idiot, that's rubbish/nonsense".
Surely I'm not the only one on MN.
face

Sometimes arguments can get so heated that resolution cannot be reached at that time. It comes later when both parties have had a bit of time to calm down and start discussing the issue properly.

Exactly this. I'd offer comfort to someone who was upset (if they weren't haranguing me) but discussion would come later, when that person was in a more rational state of mind.

Even 'don't be a fucking idiot' I'd think was totally out of order.

The names/terms which cannot be proven wrong do the most damage. Hoar is meaningless as an insult unless there is genuine question as to whether there has been payment for sex. Should a girl call an older man a pervert however he cannot even begin to disprove it. There is perhaps no insult that a male can give a female to match pervert. Should it be that he merely finds some younger women attractive however all he is actually guilty of is not being blind.

I'd be more worried that you were arguing often enough to set rules for it.

I believe that the most likely route to resolution is via writing it down. By this means not only does one have the opportunity to count to ten, but points can be eventually communicated with much more precision.

I'd find the arguing and swearing bad but then do neither as hate them both.

Arguing is a sign of losing control, adults should be able to talk without arguing. Most children hate being in the same house as arguing adults, it can affect them badly.

ZOMBIE THREAD

ZOMBIE THREAD
ZOMBIE THREAD
ZOMBIE THREAD
ZOMBIE THREAD

My DH and I always call each other insulting names in general day to day conversation but that is just the way we are - I might refer to him as a knob jockey and he might call me a dragon, for example - but in arguments, we don't do that which is when it signals we are pretty furious with each other. I wouldn't accept being called a name in anger, and to be told "shut up twat" would make me want to punch him. Swearing... well I wouldn't worry so much about the language, but the names would really annoy me.

Ah shit. Didn't see the date.

Incredible lack of maturity and self-control on your DP's part.
Hard but when an argument arises, I would walk away from the situation. Ask him to discuss the issue when he's calm. if he can't do that, walk away permanently.
Personally, I would never stand for being called a twat...ever!

This is of course taking it that one would have to argue regularly in order to set terms. If what one might refer to as a term is actually a snippet of reality then it may not even exist as a term for the contributor. My point concerns emotion, the damage done, and if possible truths cause the most damage then my proposition should not be considered a term.

Twat is a very serious insult because even with qualifications one cannot easily prove that their mental function is always spot on. Almost on a par with pervert, by individual obviously.

You sound a bit like me a few years ago. My partner is generally very mild mannered but with enough goading and "I want to sort this out NOW and you will discuss this with me" he would snap and swear and name call. Then I felt justified in being a bit of a bitch because he'd been "nasty" to me. Really horrible cycle and now we're out the other side (thank god) I'm quite ashamed.

To argue is merely to disagree, to contradict, and to be an adult is still only to be a human.

its acceptable to some people and not to others. Im a very sweary person and my ex wasnt. I think in the same way as you he felt i was being disrespectful and overly aggressive during arguments. Problem is that it was a deeply ingrained part of my personality and i found him to be being passive aggressive and not expressing himself in a healthy and honest manner. Im not one much for politeness, i often find it cold and dishonest. Id much rather people expressed anger towards me when they felt it even if it was not entirely reasonable, rather than let resentment fester.
He thought politeness was a sign of respect and love but to me its the opposite. To me its what you do when interacting with strangers you have no emotional connection to. I found it incredibly draining to try and moderate my swearing and directness. Just as im sure he found it incredibly draining to be confronted with my swearing and directness.
Obviously having such a difference in values is not a recepie for a happy relationship.
I am now married to someone who has no problem with the way i express myself and vice versa.
I think perhaps both of you should take the time to see how difficult it may be for the other person if how you communicate is so different.
Its not wrong of him to swear but nor is it wrong of you to dislike being sworn at. I think it may be something you have to meet in the middle on. Coming from a sweary person take it from me, its not as easy to be more restrained as you may find it to be restrained. It doesnt come naturally to some people.
You need to try and find a way to have more sympathy for each other.

ah whoops zombie thread SORRY!! x

OP:
Swearing is horrible in a situation such as you describe.
I also find the yeah-I-will-swear-as-as-I-possibly-can attitude of some posters on MN threads really immature and frankly pointless.

Me and DH have terrible language when we argue but never anything spiteful more like fuck off. We never ever name call and the few time my DH has done this it has really really hurt me and I think we have finally turned a corner where it won't happen again.

One argues for want the sense of equilibrium.

I use to enjoy being told to fuck off by those girls which I fancied, because it put me immediately into the mindset of having sex with them. My response was, what really, you mean that, thank you very much. I`d do my uppermost not to respond the same today, but only for reasons of the extreme age prejudice..

Meaningless name calling should not hurt so much, hoar when he already knows that you don t pay for sex is over rated as an insult. Being an unpleasant word in itself is not in the strictest sense insulting. Ones reaction would be served far better in laughter.