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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let this girl stay over?

66 replies

ButterflyDreams · 23/01/2015 00:34

DS3 has severe ashtma and it can be really easily set off by aerosols. When this girl came over to stay last time we specifically asked her not to spray anything. She used an aerosol in the bathroom (which DS3 used straight after not realising) and then sprayed perfume all over downstairs. DS3 had a massive ashtma attack and we ended up having to take him to a&e that morning as soon as she left because we couldn't calm the breathing. She recently asked DS1 if she could stay again (a few of them are having a shopping weekend and she's not local). I'd said absolutely no and DS1 told her she couldn't. She's not happy about it (especially as another girl who asked ages ago is staying) Am I being completely unreasonable not letting her stay? And should I tell her the real reason why?

OP posts:

wowfudge · 23/01/2015 00:35

Is she a teenager? Fgs tell her!

SoonToBeSix · 23/01/2015 00:37

Yes yabu she obviously didn't realise your dc would have an asthma attack. Tell her what happens last time am sure she will be mortified and won't spray anything.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 23/01/2015 00:38

How can you be so fucking wet? Of course you tell her.

But really, why do you care if an ignorant girl-child is 'not happy'?? Bemused..

VodkaValiumLattePlease · 23/01/2015 00:42

Did you let her know in advance so she be prepared and bring a roll on or did you just spring it on her when she walked through the door? I would have to not be able to use deo..

Birdsgottafly · 23/01/2015 00:45

I also don't understand why you don't explain to anyone staying in your house, that they can't use sprays and why.

My youngest (now 17) has allergies and SN, my middle and eldest would explain about these before anyone came to our house.

Most of their friends would know, anyway, because we all believe in being open about disability/medical conditions.

I've always found that even teenagers are interested in being informed.

WorraLiberty · 23/01/2015 00:45

Genuine question here and I'm aware that it sounds arsey but I really mean it in a non arsey way....

Why on earth would you simply not tell her what she did wrong and about the resulting asthma attack?

Same question to your DS1?

MyFriendlyDaemon · 23/01/2015 00:51

Did you explain the reasons why she should not have used an aerosol and impress them on her?

If not she may just have forgotten you asked.

Could she get another chance but when she arrives you ask her to give you any aerosols she has which she will get back when she leaves?

MyFriendlyDaemon · 23/01/2015 00:52

Oh sorry I see you didn't tell her the reason. Yes then YABU.

yellowdinosauragain · 23/01/2015 00:59

To all those calling the op unreasonable.

Why?

Regardless of the asthma why on earth is she unreasonable for not agreeing to have someone stay in her house when she doesn't want them to? Give me one reason.

It's her house. She doesn't want the girl to stay. That should be the end of it. And she did tell her not to use sprays which she chose to ignore. Making it a complete no brainer. She is massively unreasonable to be unhappy about this

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 23/01/2015 01:07

YANBU

you asked her not to spray, she completely ignored you so no I wouldn't trust her in the house again

YonicScrewdriver · 23/01/2015 01:28

Perfume isn't usually aerosol.

She may have thought the bathroom was ok as she was doing it in Private ie not around anyone else.

WorraLiberty · 23/01/2015 01:33

Regardless of the asthma why on earth is she unreasonable for not agreeing to have someone stay in her house when she doesn't want them to? Give me one reason.

Yeah that's kind of my point

Give me one reason why a parent would be asking random strangers on the internet, why someone should stay in her house when she doesn't want them to?

Maybe it's me and I'm too simplistic but I still don't get why she's asking?

yellowdinosauragain · 23/01/2015 07:30

To be fair worra lots of people ask about stuff that might seem obvious to those who can look at it objectively from outside the situation....

nooka · 23/01/2015 07:36

No you are not being unreasonable and yes you should tell her why (if your ds hasn't already and she asks you).

It's completely unreasonable to spray perfume all over someone's house in any circumstances, and just selfish/stupid to do so when you have been told you will put someone's health at risk.

Emo76 · 23/01/2015 07:44

YANBU

tell her why

She sounds a bit entitled inviting herself and then being miffed when it's a no. good life lesson.

Original poster

ButterflyDreams · 24/01/2015 00:36

Just to clear up confusion, DS1 explained why about a week in advance and said DS3 has terrible asthma set off by chemicals, particularly aerosols. So he said to bring roll on or we could buy one if necessary. All other friends have managed this. What I haven't told her was what her actions ended up doing to DS3. We chose not to because we didn't want to upset her but obviously we might have to say don't stay again.
Ali the reason I'm concerned about her being unhappy is because she's being horrible to DS1 about it and frankly there's no need to swear at me

OP posts:

Scrounger · 24/01/2015 00:57

If that is her reaction she definitely shouldn't stay. She doesn't sound a very nice guest.

SeaUnicorns · 24/01/2015 01:05

Regardless of the asthma being nasty to your older DS and swearing at you is the reason she isn't welcome in your house.

I'm not sure I understand though some one gives your child an asthma attack and you don't want to upset her? Imo your older DS should have said months ago I asked you not to bring sprays cos of my brothers asthma, you did he ended up in hospital my family are very upset.

TendonQueen · 24/01/2015 01:08

YANBU. I would tell her exactly why though. Then it is made clear to her that actions have consequences, rather than her just thinking it's you being off for no reason. I would tell her directly yourself though rather than doing it through DD.

FightOrFlight · 24/01/2015 01:15

and swearing at you is the reason she isn't welcome in your house.

Erm, read the thread properly - the girl didn't swear at OP, Ali did ^^ up there

AmantesSuntAmentes · 24/01/2015 01:25

Tbh, regarding something as serious as this is to you, I'd have communicated directly with her parents about your aerosol rule.

I would explain to her what happened following her visit and why. I would have let her stay again but her current behaviour towards your ds, would be enough for me to bar her!

However, she's maybe acting out because she doesn't understand the enormity of what she's done wrong?

Tough one.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 24/01/2015 01:25

Tbh, regarding something as serious as this is to you, I'd have communicated directly with her parents about your aerosol rule.

I would explain to her what happened following her visit and why. I would have let her stay again but her current behaviour towards your ds, would be enough for me to bar her!

However, she's maybe acting out because she doesn't understand the enormity of what she's done wrong?

Tough one.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 24/01/2015 01:25

Tbh, regarding something as serious as this is to you, I'd have communicated directly with her parents about your aerosol rule.

I would explain to her what happened following her visit and why. I would have let her stay again but her current behaviour towards your ds, would be enough for me to bar her!

However, she's maybe acting out because she doesn't understand the enormity of what she's done wrong?

Tough one.

blanklook · 24/01/2015 01:33

I'd explain what happened to her parents and say that's why she's now barred permanently.

Someone who is behaving like she is now really can't be trusted to stay again, what if she sprayed something in your house out of spite?

She's too immature to be trusted.

SeaUnicorns · 24/01/2015 02:51

Ahh fightorflight I had actually read the thread properly as you put it only I didn't interpret the don't swear at me as aimed at Ali, as it came after comment about her being rude to OPs DS1, so unless Ali was also rude to the DS1 or is the actual girl it's an easy mistake to make!

And still no need to tell me to do something I'd already done just interrupted in a differ way to you thank you

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