To not let this girl stay over?

[ButterflyDreams]

DS3 has severe ashtma and it can be really easily set off by aerosols. When this girl came over to stay last time we specifically asked her not to spray anything. She used an aerosol in the bathroom (which DS3 used straight after not realising) and then sprayed perfume all over downstairs. DS3 had a massive ashtma attack and we ended up having to take him to a&e that morning as soon as she left because we couldn't calm the breathing. She recently asked DS1 if she could stay again (a few of them are having a shopping weekend and she's not local). I'd said absolutely no and DS1 told her she couldn't. She's not happy about it (especially as another girl who asked ages ago is staying) Am I being completely unreasonable not letting her stay? And should I tell her the real reason why?

I expect she's one of these people that on hearing someone has a nut allergy still opens the packet because they don't 'buy it'.

You need to be honest with her. She broke the rules, everyone else managed to stick with them, it had a bad result and now she can't be trusted not to repeat the behaviour. However from her perspective she is being left out and maybe she even feels a bit bullied if everyone else can go but there's a problem with her going. That might be why she's being an unpleasant person now.

Be honest with her.

I agree laughing, she sounds like the type of person to do this just to see what will happen, and think its one huge overraction.

YANBU to refuse to have ger stay again, but YABU to not tell her what happened then expect her to understand why she's been barred.

Tell her, really.

"I agree laughing, she sounds like the type of person to do this just to see what will happen, and think its one huge overraction."

That's unfair.

Hang on. This is a teenager who had asked to stay at someone else's house.

There doesn't need to be any reason apart from no sorry you can't.

Firstly ignoring their rules last time then for her in anyway being nasty to DS1 when his parents have made this decision says an awful lot about what this young woman thinks she is entitled to.

How is it yonic, after being told not to use areosols, because ds gets terrible asthma as a result, she went right ahead and did it, the others respected that and did not. Sounds a fair point tbh.

Besides being rude and nasty to you and ds, that is exactly why I would not be able to trust her. It could be fatal for ds.

As I've said, it's possible she was unaware of how lingering the impact would be and sprayed in the bathroom so that it wasn't near DS3.

I think it's more likely that she's thoughtless or uninformed than a huge cow trying to hospitalise her friend's brother for a laugh.

You need to be truthful.

Sod "not wanting to upset her", if she is old enough to go off on shopping trips and sleepovers then she is old enough to take some responsibility.

And if she's being nasty into the bargain, this needs to be stopped. And the only way to stop it is wih the truth.

Now it may well be that she apologises profusely and promises that it will not happen again - in which case you may feel like reconsidering (absolutely no guarantee though, and I wouldn't even broach the idea of changing your mind until she has apologised adequately), but she needs to be told what she has done.

She is coming across as a spoilt little madam to me. Talk about biting off the hand that feeds you! She wants to stay at your house to make things more convenient for her so she needs to follow your rules (especially serious health related rules!) and not be nasty to your DS! Honestly! Does she think being mean to him is going to make you turn round and say, ok dear you can stay after all?!

I did think, at first, that maybe she hadn't understood or had just been scatterbrained about the aerosol use but your update makes it clear that you explained it all to her in advance and she shouldn't even have brought these things to your house.

I wouldn't want someone who'd landed my child in hospital for a preventable reason staying in my house and yanbu to say no, but I agree with everyone else that you should tell her and her parents exactly why. Hopefully, she will grasp the seriousness of the situation and next time someone asks her not to use something around them, actually listen - can but hope!

Yonic not that she is doing it for laughs, but yes thoughtless, probably thought this banning if deodorant is a total overreaction. Op I would tell her exactly why you are not allowing her to stay. Tell her the truth, why the hell should you spare her feelings, she dident care about ds when she sprayed her perfumes and deodorant.

I agree with those who are saying you should tell her why she can't come to stay - and it might sound a bit hard hearted, but it wouldn't be the end of the world if she did get upset, by the consequences of her actions for your ds. Maybe she might learn a lesson from it - that her actions can have serious consequences for other people.

Hm, I'm going to go against the grain and say that Y might be BU at least about the aerosol thing, if you left it to DS1 to explain the aerosol rule.

I don't think it's been mentioned how old these children are? How old is she, how old is DS1? In any case, I think it is impossible to judge the situation without knowing exactly how and when DS 1 explained the aerosol rule to her. If he said "oh by the way, don't bring spray deoderant as it makes my brother's asthma flare up" and he said this a week in advance then it is perfectly conceivable that she simply forgot all about it. Also, perfume is not an aerosol, so I don't think you can blame her for using that at all.

But really, I think that for such a serious health issue it is for the adults in the situation to make absolutely certain that children invited to the house understand such an important rule, and not leave this to their own children to do. If you didn't yourself spell out the rule when she arrived and make absolutely clear she understood the potentially very serious health consequences for DS3, then I do think that you haven't done enough. I'm not at all being judgmental as it was obviously just a very unfortunate incident, but I do think that a parent has more of a responsibility to look after their child's health than a child house-guest, and I don't think it's responsible to assume that your other children have made the necessary explanations on your behalf to the same level that you would want them done.

Dear God, she needs to know

What if she encountered someone who was severely allergic to say, nuts.....would she pop to the shops and buy them a Snickers bar? She needs to learn that her actions have had serious consequences.

Yes I do agree flimmy, a lot of people have said that for such a serious health issue, op should have told the girl and her parents before, remind them on entering the house that you hoped that they have not brought any arerosols or perfumes because of its impact on ds asthma, if they have you would like them not to use it. Funny how everybody else has remembered except for her. Her reactions speaks volumes tbh. I gather they are teeangers. Where is op?

YANBU. She needs to know and learn it's not all about her.