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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let this girl stay over?

66 replies

ButterflyDreams · 23/01/2015 00:34

DS3 has severe ashtma and it can be really easily set off by aerosols. When this girl came over to stay last time we specifically asked her not to spray anything. She used an aerosol in the bathroom (which DS3 used straight after not realising) and then sprayed perfume all over downstairs. DS3 had a massive ashtma attack and we ended up having to take him to a&e that morning as soon as she left because we couldn't calm the breathing. She recently asked DS1 if she could stay again (a few of them are having a shopping weekend and she's not local). I'd said absolutely no and DS1 told her she couldn't. She's not happy about it (especially as another girl who asked ages ago is staying) Am I being completely unreasonable not letting her stay? And should I tell her the real reason why?

OP posts:
sykadelic · 24/01/2015 03:34

OP I'd most definitely not allow this girl to stay and tell her that frankly after her ignoring your rule about aerosols she's lucky that she's not facing assault charges and you're all lucky there's no manslaughter charge in there too!

... Well I wouldn't really but I would tell her that after her last visit she will not staying again as you did not appreciate having to take your child to A&E because she thought she was too good to follow rules set in place to protect your child. The breaking of those rules could have resulted in death if you hadn't got your son to A&E on time. Not to mention her behaviour at being told no further solidifies in your mind that she has issues with authority and you won't be putting your child at risk because she thinks someone owes her a place to stay.

I would probably also contact her parents to fill them in (depending on her age). I would ensure they don't minimise this and ask them to explain to her that asthma /allergies etc CAN result in death and what she did was extremely selfish.

Groovee · 24/01/2015 05:12

How old is she?

NickiFury · 24/01/2015 06:49

What unnecessarily nasty and dismissive responses earlier in the thread.

OP is she a bit of a pain in other ways? If not I would probably have been inclined to give her another chance after telling her exactly what her actions lead to last time she stayed.

ItsAllKickingOffPru · 24/01/2015 07:05

You should definitely tell her why or it just looks like she broke a house rule and you're being inflexible on that.

Tinkerball · 24/01/2015 07:10

Of course you should tell her, I still don't truly understand why you never, didn't want to "upset" her?

Icimoi · 24/01/2015 07:11

But surely she knew why she shouldn't spray before she got there? OP's son explained it to her. If she can't put together cause and effect she's spectacularly dim.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 24/01/2015 07:12

How old is she? I can't believe anyone would be nasty to someone about not being allowed to stay in their house and it certainly wouldn't make me inclined to let her stay again, regardless of any other circumstances! Now if she does stay, not only is she the girl who ignored your instructions and make your DS ill, she's also the rude girl who was nasty to your other DS for reasons outside of his control. She doesn't sound like much of a friend.

YonicScrewdriver · 24/01/2015 07:17

I still think (benefit of the doubt stuff) that if she was told "don't spray aerosols as my brother has asthma", she might have thought it was OK if in the bathroom as the door was shut etc, and perfumes are usually pump action not aerosol so again, she might not have known.

GotToBeInItToWinIt · 24/01/2015 07:21

I think that regardless of the spraying aerosol issue (may have misunderstood etc) I wouldn't allow anyone to stay who was nasty to my son for not being allowed to do something.

YonicScrewdriver · 24/01/2015 07:21

So, from her perspective, she thought her behaviour was fine last time, she hasn't been told it wasn't but now she has been excluded from staying but doesn't know why.

I think he should tell her - "because you used aerosol in the bathroom and perfume downstairs, my brother had to go to A&E"

If she doesn't get it after that, then yes, she's horrible

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 24/01/2015 07:31

No I wouldn't let her stay.

It had been requested that aerosols weren't used, she did anyway.
She's arsey about being denied a bed at your house and is now being nasty to ds1about it.

She can bugger off.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/01/2015 08:59

You explained to her and she still carried on regardless. I would explain to her again, and tell her that because she sprayed perfume and deodorant, ds3 had to go to hospital to get his breathing stabilised. She is a teenager right, so can well understand. His other friends have understood and respected this, no don't have her in your home, next time he might not be so lucky.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/01/2015 09:09

Op You need to explain to her yourself why she cannot spray areosols and what happened to ds3 as a result of her actions. You should have communicated this yourself to her and her parents so that the message is very clear from the outset, instead of it being relayed through your ds. I would say give her another chance normally, but as the situation is so serious I would not.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/01/2015 09:10

Its like telling somebody to not eat nuts infront your ds, and then they purposfully do. That's very serious, all his other friends managed it, except this one, shoes utter disregard and selfishness.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/01/2015 09:12

In addition, she is being rude and nasty to you, noway would I allow her in my home.

Bakeoffcakes · 24/01/2015 09:17

I wouldn't let her stay again. She was told not to use the aerosols the first time and she decided to ignore that.

It's not fair on your DS, he won't exactly have a nice relaxing time, knowing what she did the last time she stayed. Let her stay with someone else.

KatieKaye · 24/01/2015 09:35

YANBU.

This girl knew the situation well in advance and deliberately used aerosol and then perfume in a small space where obviously there would be a concentration in the air. She chose to do these things in the full knowledge that she'd been told about sensitivity.

and now she is surprised to be told that her actions mean for basic safety she cannot stay?

Sounds like this is just the lesson she needs.

You do not have to explain the reason for your house rules. You do have the right to expect any guest to follow these very sensible rules which do not impact negatively on them in any way.

under the circumstances I would b doing exactly the same as you and if she persisted Id be in contact with her parents to explain that last time she ignored the rules with the result that your DS was so severely affected he required hospital treatment. You tried to spare her feelings last time, which was lovely of you but she seems to be very spoilt and self-centred.

Aeroflotgirl · 24/01/2015 09:45

As she is being rude and nasty to your Ds, she is no friend of your ds. Your ds safety comes first, you cannot risk it, she disregarded you the first time, you cannot trust her.

Moniker1 · 24/01/2015 09:50

You have a GREAT excuse not to have this unpleasant ill mannered girl in your house, in your shoes I would be so relieved to have a justifiable reason to keep her out.

notnaice · 24/01/2015 09:50

It's better she knows why she's not welcome now, rather than just thinking you are picking on her for no reason.

I'd be very blunt about it. Can't understand why you didn't tear a strip off her at the time.

CatsClaus · 24/01/2015 09:52

i think MN needs to find its collective reading specs and put them on....

the op quite clearly states in her post that the guests were all specifically asked not to use aerosols and clarifies this in follow up posts.

OP...YANBU and yes you should tell her why she is no longer welcome in your home. And really spell it out...no pussyfooting about.

The only thing yabu about is not to have hauled the wee madam over the coals there and then when she sprayed!

Aridane · 24/01/2015 10:16

Off topic a bit - I know (obviously) that spray on deodorants are aerosols - but I wouldn't have realised that perfume would be classed as an aerosol

skylark2 · 24/01/2015 10:56

How did she not notice your son having a massive asthma attack when she was still at your house?

I'd just tell her that you're not prepared to take the risk of her making a mistake again.

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/01/2015 11:25

"should I tell her the real reason why?"
Since the stay is in support of a 'shopping weekend' I am presuming she's a teenager? So yes, you should tell her the real reason why.

"What I haven't told her was what her actions ended up doing to DS3. We chose not to because we didn't want to upset her but obviously we might have to say don't stay again. Ali the reason I'm concerned about her being unhappy is because she's being horrible to DS1 about it"
Sorry, but her being horrible to DS1 is partly due to you not telling her off the day she sprayed DS3 into A&E. (Only partly, she's obviously either dim or self-centred, possibly both.) I think it was misguided not to tell her there and then. But that's done now, can't be changed, what's best for now? I think you need to tell her she can't stay and why, and I think you need to contact her parents, explain what happened last time she stayed, that she'd been told beforehand but did it anyway, the result and that she is now being horrible to your DS1 and could they have a word with her please? As it stands she doesn't see why she can't stay because she was kept in the dark about the consequences of her last stay. She needs to be enlightened, and only you can do that.

KatieKaye · 24/01/2015 11:39

She knows that she did something she was clearly told not to.
If she cannot relate that to the current situation then that is her problem, not OPs who does not owe her an explanation. If she is old enough to be using deodorant, perfume and wants to stay for a weekends shopping then she is old enough to know that actions have consequences.

It sounds like she thought she'd got away with it first time.

"You are not invited to stay as on your previous visit you deliberately used aerosol despite being told of the effect this has. Consequently we do not wish to risk this happening again."

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