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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wedding or birthday?

58 replies

itosh · 14/01/2015 22:35

AIBU to go to my husband's 60th birthday celebration and miss one of my really close friend's wedding?

It is so unfortunate they fall on the same date..

OP posts:
Original poster
itosh · 14/01/2015 22:35

sorry husband's dad's 60th birthday!!

OP posts:
Trills · 14/01/2015 22:36

Which one do you WANT to go to?

Personally I'd prefer the wedding.

caravanista13 · 14/01/2015 22:37

Depends who's invitation came first.

Cooki3Monst3r · 14/01/2015 22:39

Well that totally depends which one you like the most.

But all being equal, I'd say the wedding is definitely more important.

Birthdays happen every year! I realise 60 might be a 'big' birthday, but really I don't think a reasonable person would expect you to miss a wedding.

Cooki3Monst3r · 14/01/2015 22:40

wouldn't expect you to miss a wedding!!! sign I should be in bed

Original poster
itosh · 14/01/2015 22:44

well I thought that Cooki. It is my wedding and one of my closest friend's isn't coming because of a 60th birthday. They said they don't want to fall out about it to which I replied I haven't fallen out with you I am just extremely disappointed in your decision. I genuinely would have been okay in the end but this was 3 months ago and they still haven't contacted me.

I went to their wedding last year.. I suspect their partner won't let them miss their dad's birthday?

OP posts:
fredfredgeorgejnr · 14/01/2015 22:51

Use the wedding as the excuse to avoid the b'day
Use the b'day as the excuse to avoid the wedding

Stay at home.

Cooki3Monst3r · 14/01/2015 22:53

Oh shit. No, that's not good. So sorry itosh.

Could there be other reasons do you think? Could money be a problem? To get there, to buy a gift, outfits etc.

It doesn't really sound like she's that good a friend after all.

Try to forget about and enjoy who will be there. X

Nanny0gg · 14/01/2015 23:27

Many of the guests at my son's wedding are no longer friends with him and his wife. For no especial reason, just their lives have moved in different directions (my son and his wife decided to start a family fairly soon after getting married, their friends were childless until some years later). They now have new friends who they have more in common with.

So is the wedding really more important than FiL birthday? I think I would have been disappointed if a close family member hadn't been around for mine.

What do they need to contact you about as they appear to have already declined? (and it does sound as though you were a little snippy about it).

Cooki3Monst3r · 14/01/2015 23:38

I think an adult being upset about someone not being able to make their birthday party is just plain odd.

Especially when you've already had 59 birthdays!!

It's not really that special, is it? Being a year older, that little bit closer to old age and death.

Cooki3Monst3r · 14/01/2015 23:41

I think between the ages of 21 and and 90 a birthday isn't really anything to celebrate. A nice excuse for party etc, but certainly not something to be upset about someone else missing!

StrikesMatches · 14/01/2015 23:49

"I think an adult being upset about someone not being able to make their birthday party is just plain odd.

Especially when you've already had 59 birthdays!!"

That was my niece's view - she was very annoyed when my Dad (her grandad) had his 60th birthday party (a night away) the same weekend as her 10th birthday Grin

I think I'd choose the wedding, but I know FIL would be very unhappy at anyone missing any of his "milestone" birthdays current drama playing out as evidence. Hope you have a lovely day regardless, OP.

Nanny0gg · 15/01/2015 00:00

It's not really that special, is it? Being a year older, that little bit closer to old age and death.

You may not think it important. Others do. Me for one.

Cooki3Monst3r · 15/01/2015 08:27

Really? You're that bothered about your own birthdays?

So you'd be upset about someone missing your birthday party because of a wedding because the wedding might contain people the bride and groom might not be close with in 10years?? Confused

That sounds incredibly egotistical to me. As Strikes said, that's the behaviour of a 10 year old.

I guess if you've got a reason to be grateful you lasted another year that might be different.

MidniteScribbler · 15/01/2015 08:34

It's an invitation, not a summons. You provide an invitation, they say whether they can attend or not. Their reasons for non attendance are none of the invite givers business. They have no right to get snippy or hold a grudge over the attendance or non-attendance of their guests.

londonrach · 15/01/2015 08:40

Depends on how close the person who getting married is. Dh dad is very family member and 60 is special. How many other family members are going to the birthday. Id certainly go to my dads birthday party (close family) to a wedding of a friend. However if the wedding is my sister that be over my dads birthday if you understand what im saying.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 15/01/2015 08:41

Id go to the wedding and DH would go to the birthday party (and my mum would mind the kids!!)

Such a shame that your friend has chosen to forego your wedding for her fils 60th Sad

Try not to let it overshaddow your day - am sure it will still be brilliant.

Cooki3Monst3r · 15/01/2015 08:44

But birthdays happen every year. And weddings (preferably) once a life time (for the weddingee).

My mum is very special to me but there's no way I'd turn down someone's wedding if it clashed with her birthday. And she wouldn't be at all offended. And we are a family who do make a big deal of birthdays.

I guess people feel differently about birthdays

paxtecum · 15/01/2015 08:47

Can the 60th party be changed to a different date?
If it was my party I would change the date so all my family could be there.

OP: maybe you will have a different view in 30 odd years time when it could be your DC favouring a friend's wedding over your 60th party.

wanderingcloud · 15/01/2015 08:50

I'm with MidniteScribbler on this. You invited your friend. They have other plans and have declined your invite.

Whether you attended their wedding or what their other plans might be are irrelevant.

Really, who's position is it to judge the relative merit of guests reasons for declining an invite?

IMO it really isn't anyone elses business.

addictedtosugar · 15/01/2015 08:52

It would depend on if I'd already accepted the birthday invite.
In which case its a matter of first acepted in honoured, even if a better offer came along.

However, we may have split, and one partner to each event, depending on logistics.

PeppermintChaiLatte · 15/01/2015 08:56

There might be personal family reasons why she has prioritised the party that she has not told you about. She's probably embarrassed and that's why you've not heard from her? I suggest putting out the olive branch and invite her for coffee :)

voluptuagoodshag · 15/01/2015 09:01

This is really sad. You've not spoken to your friend in three months because of what? In the whole great scheme of things, does it really matter?
You invited her, she declined giving a perfectly legit reason. Get in touch with her for goodness sake. If she's that good a pal then she's worth hanging on to. She's probably feeling shit enough because she can't make it without you making her feel worse.
Make sure she's invited to your hen night and have a blast or why not do something just the two of you.

DonnaTheKamikaze · 15/01/2015 09:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DonnaTheKamikaze · 15/01/2015 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.