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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

wedding or birthday?

58 replies

itosh · 14/01/2015 22:35

AIBU to go to my husband's 60th birthday celebration and miss one of my really close friend's wedding?

It is so unfortunate they fall on the same date..

OP posts:
ezridelmastro · 15/01/2015 09:12

My cousin missed my wedding because it was his girlfriend's birthday (not a "big" birthday year). I admit, I was disappointed and maybe a bit miffed, but that's the decision he made and that's all there is to it really. I'm not going to hold it against him - in fact I'd pretty much forgotten until just now.

MidniteScribbler · 15/01/2015 09:13

Maybe she hasn't spoken to you because you acted like a complete bridezilla and got snotty that she didn't attend your wedding? I doubt I would bother with an "friend" that thought my friendship was only worthwhile if I could attend their function.

Cooki3Monst3r · 15/01/2015 09:28

OP in your position I would also have felt that a friend prioritising a birthday over my wedding went she wasn't that bothered therefore not a great friend. But obviously other people seem to feel differently so maybe she just rates birthdays really high?

I would do as others suggested and invite her to your hen or similar. But don't go off on one if she says she can't make it.

gobbynorthernbird · 15/01/2015 11:47

Cooki3, it's probably more about the friend's in-laws than the friend.

diddl · 15/01/2015 12:17

Perhaps family come before friends for them?

For me, would my Dad's bday be more important than my friend's wedding?

Close call tbh, but possibly yes.

FelicityGubbins · 15/01/2015 12:23

Weddings are only of utmost importance to the 2 people getting married, to everyone else it's a social event.

BadLad · 15/01/2015 12:34

Go to whichever you think you will enjoy most.

No time like the present to realise that it's a waste of time spending your life trying to please everybody, so you may as well realise that you can't, and please yourself first.

diddl · 15/01/2015 12:44

Oh, got that wrong!

Well I'd rather go to a friend's wedding than a bday meal/party whatever for my FIL.

If I had already accepted the wedding, then I'd probably go & my husband go to his dad's do.

If the party was already agreed to,then I suppose I'd still go unless husband said not to.

SuchSweetSorrow · 15/01/2015 12:52

I think people get far too worked up about weddings to be honest!

Family would personally comes first for me anyway in this situation

StilleNachtCarolling · 15/01/2015 12:55

Weddings are only of utmost importance to the 2 people getting married, to everyone else it's a social event

Surely that's the case for a birthday too? Hmm Both are social events which people attend to help someone celebrate a particular milestone in their life - be that a certain age or a wedding.

I personally think that a wedding, particularly of a close friend, ought to get priority over a birthday, simply because it's not an annual event.

However, if this is a milestone birthday that's also likely to be a last birthday (due to terminal illness perhaps) then I would be a lot more undecided. I think in this case, I'd go to the wedding and my husband would go to his father's birthday (although he would probably rather a friend's wedding over a social event with his side of the family).

everygalaxy · 15/01/2015 13:16

I'm missing my Dad's 65th to go to my friend's wedding - it is a once in a lifetime thing for her and I couldn't miss seeing her get married. It is a bit of a shame because I think birthdays with zeros and fives at the end are a bit special, but my dad understands and we are coming up with a compromise.

I wasn't really fussed about the people that declined our wedding invites - it is their choice after all, what made me mad is the people that didn't turn up on the day Angry

Jessica85 · 15/01/2015 13:21

I thought that when you have multiple events on the same day you go to the one you accepted first? Unless there's a really important reason not to (eg funerals are generally short notice so you may have to cancel a birthday party).

fredfredgeorgejnr · 15/01/2015 13:29

If you have multiple events, you go to the one you want to go to... which of course can include the one you don't really want to go to, but life would just be easier if you turned up to. Going to the one you accepted first just harms everyone, it would be a silly rule to make.

If the friend declined the wedding, she didn't want to go. I think you'd be mad for getting annoyed with someone for that, but that's the reality, if they don't attend, they don't want to enough to decline the alternative.

KoalaDownUnder · 15/01/2015 13:32

I don't think anyone gets to decide for someone else which event should be 'more important'.

There are plenty of reasons why the OP's friend might choose to prioritise the birthday. Maybe there are relatives coming long distances who she hasn't seen for years. Maybe someone in her extended family is ill and it's the last time they'll all be together. Maybe her husband has a fraught relationship with his family and really needs the moral support.

Maybe she just RSVPd 'yes' to the 60th first?

I disagree that weddings automatically trump every other type of social event.

LoblollyBoy · 15/01/2015 13:35

You have to go with whichever invite you accept first, yes, but probably the birthday hasn't had formal invites for very closest family members, just a general understanding about the arrangements. Perhaps that's why you feel she had to 'make a decision'.

In any event, let me share an observation which, when my friend made it, I assumed could not possibly be true. He said that in his experience, if someone doesn't come to your wedding then you will never speak to them again. Surprisingly, I have also found this to be the caseShock

LoblollyBoy · 15/01/2015 13:36

fred! Really? How do you tell the first lot you've changed your mind?

fredfredgeorgejnr · 15/01/2015 13:56

LoblollyBoy "Sorry, have to pull out..." obviously if you do that shortly before the event, then you're probably annoying people and burning bridges there, but I already covered that in the life would be easier if you turned up. It's just part of the calculation of which you'd prefer.

A wedding is an odd occasion, you don't actually get to spend much time with the participants, they're off dividing it between all the invitees, unlike a small dinner where you get to be with the participant the whole day.

Why does it really matter if someone turns up to your wedding, you'll barely see them on the day anyway?

everygalaxy · 15/01/2015 14:20

LoblollyBoy You might be right - just realised that my one friend who decided not to come the wedding hasn't spoke to me since, didn't like the wedding photos and we didn't swap Christmas cards this year - maybe that is it then Sad

FelicityGubbins · 15/01/2015 14:44

I'm still friends with people that didn't come to my wedding, I'm still friends with people whos wedding I didn't attend, I'm not friends with some people who did come to my wedding and I'm not friends with some people whos wedding I did attend.
Weddings have nothing to do with ranking friendships Hmm sometimes you can attend, sometimes you can't! If her decision to not attend your wedding affects your friendship with her then that's your attitude, not hers.

PurpleSwift · 15/01/2015 14:59

Well I di t think it's unrrasonable but I'd be miffed if I was your friend and personally I'd absolutely be going to a the wedding over a birthday party

LoblollyBoy · 15/01/2015 15:15

Ah, Felicity the rule says nothing about the weddings you do attend! But good to hear that you've broken it for those that weren't attended, it's an unhappy rule that ought not to hold true.

Cooki3Monst3r · 15/01/2015 16:03

Ok, I'm going to get controversial here hides behind sofa but, I have to say I think this demonstrates one of the pitfalls of large, over-inflated, expensive weddings.

I would have been deeply hurt and offended if one of the people invited to our wedding hadn't come. But that's because we only invited our immediate families and our few best friends.

Anyone who would put a birthday party over coming to our wedding just isn't the sort of friend I'd invite to such a meaningful, intimate, personal life event.

I don't mean this in a 'if I'm not top of the list, you can't be my friend'. I mean that we all have friends whose profound happiness isn't necessarily of great meaning and importance to us. And then we have friends who we love dearly and are like family. These are the friends we invited.

momb · 15/01/2015 16:10

If they had already accepted the invitation to the birthday or it had been planned for a while then of course they couldn't retract the acceptance because they had a better offer.
Slightly mad of you to expect them to tbh.
It's basic etiquette. Overrides wedding specialness and friendship. You just don't do it.

Cooki3Monst3r · 15/01/2015 16:12

Surely that depends on who the first invite came from? I'm close to most of my family and I wouldn't think twice about having to have the conversation about "really sorry, but think we're going to have to skip your b'day" conversation.

I'd do this for a best friend. But not for someone I used to work with for example (unless they happened to be my best friend).

Original poster
itosh · 15/01/2015 16:19

Thank you for all your responses. I think the term bridezilla gets thrown around far too often and I don't agree MidniteScribbler that telling a friend you are disappointed is bridezilla, more just a natural feeling

OP posts:
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