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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that Hen 'do's' don't have to be weekends/weeks away?

62 replies

Niamhisnotarealname · 04/01/2015 13:10

My lovely best friend just cant seem to get her head around the fact that no-one wants to go away for a weekend/week for her Hen do.
We all have family's, kids and budgets to stick too.
My friend currently does not have children so therefore more disposable income than me but I also know for a fact that they are in a lot of debt for the wedding plus other things so also do not have all that much disposable income.
I understand she wants to do something special and different but I am not willing to take a weeks holiday from work or spend money going to stay somewhere for two -4 nights and waste money on getting pissed.

She keeps getting the hump when we say no to her repeated different ideas to try and get us to go away for the weekend/week.

Whats wrong with going out for a meal or a few drinks or both? or even if she wants to do something different to a spa or go karting or something. but just for the day?

I didn't even have a Hen do! i thought it was all a bit much of a muchness

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 04/01/2015 13:15

It's societal pressure innit Grin

I'm with you though and hate that it's become so normal. It's hard going on time and finances. I can see why she'd feel hard done by if that's what most of your social circle have done though.

You shouldn't have to but it might e worth researching something really original (red letter days maybe?) and pointing out it can be something special without going away or spending shit loads. Also people's budgets might be stretched further with a special day rather a holiday.

ilovesooty · 04/01/2015 13:18

I agree with you. However people seem to expect big lavish hen dos now.

MrsRayOfSunshine · 04/01/2015 13:20

I feel the same about these hen nights that go over whole weeks or weekends. I just don't see the point, I think it's mostly social pressure to be honest.

I didn't even have a hen night, to the disappointment of my single, child free friends, I must be such a bore to them!

I do like your idea of go karting or spa then a few drinks, but then I'd love any excuse to get to a spa for the day. Hope you can all agree on something you all will enjoy.

PrincessOfChina · 04/01/2015 13:22

It's lovely to have a day/evening out if all your friends are local. Otherwise, it's more practical to go away for a weekend to make the most of travel costs.

PrettyLittleMitty · 04/01/2015 13:23

I don't get why these brides-to-be expect everyone around them to go to such lengths for a hen do?? People need to take time off work, leave their families and spend way too much money when a simple meal and drinks would suffice. It's selfish imo.

harryhausen · 04/01/2015 13:26

Oh yes I agree.

When I got married, I'd moved away from lots of my long term friends (and hadn't met my new friends yet as I met them when I was pg). Most of them were scattered across the uk and had small children. They were all coming down for my wedding and I felt too guilty about asking them to come down twice for a hen weekend.

In the end I went out with gay bf, and had a great time!

12 months after my wedding I was invited on a 5 day hen do in Amsterdam. I found out I was pg so declined because of all the drinking. The bride tried to persuade me to go anyway but can you imagine being the only sober one for neat a week in Amsterdam !!

Original poster
Niamhisnotarealname · 04/01/2015 13:26

princess of china we are all fairly local. There's no one coming that would have to travel more than an hour on public transport.

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 04/01/2015 13:27

I think they've become grabby and extravagant and everyone is tired the cost/child care/annual leave aspect of "having" to go.

A day in a spa or one overnight stay for a hotel meal should be manageable if the guests aren't local. Anything more is emotional blackmail.

People are skint and have limited annual leave and might not get child care. Plus if a woman goes on a hen night, then its only fair that her partner gets to go on a stag night (maybe not for the same wedding) and before you know it, the annual family holiday budget has gone. It's just not funny anymore.

I mean the bride is getting a wedding, a posh dress and a honeymoon isn't she?

( sorry, I always get on my soapbox about hen nights, as you were)

Original poster
Niamhisnotarealname · 04/01/2015 13:29

I have to say, my DH has just said that it seems like she is over compensating. We do have doubts about the proposed DH to be. He seems like a lovely chap but cant seem to hold down a job for more than 5 minutes. he's studying design at uni but has failed his masters three times now but keeps re-trying.

Second question. do you think I should ask her whether she is sure she wants to go ahead or keep my nose out? Worried now.

OP posts:
HoggleHoggle · 04/01/2015 13:29

I agree, it's crazy and also selfish if you know everyone else had a ton of commitments elsewhere.

That being said, I usually expect that someone at least helps the bride with the 'do' so could someone do that for the bride? So it's in line with what everyone else can do but bride still feels special?

I just went for a meal for my hen do but it was all arranged for me and I think that's a lovely way to show you care.

Rikalaily · 04/01/2015 13:30

My hen do was held in my next door neighbours house, it was brill. Lots of food, booze and hilarious hen games. Crawled home at 5.30am, loved it!

Original poster
Niamhisnotarealname · 04/01/2015 13:33

Last night I did offer to organize something for her. She said that we will do it together. :/ I wish she would just give me a list of people and their phone numbers and I could organize something lovely that's just for the day/evening.

OP posts:
Mammanat222 · 04/01/2015 13:34

It's very selfish IMO.

Had an invite to Las Vegas for a friends Hen do (actually went to Vegas with her a few years back when I could afford it!!). So it's about £700 for a 5 night trip and then a month later the wedding "weekend" will be in Cornwall [we're in London] so I'd be looking at another few hundred pounds.

£1K + on someone else's 'celebration' is insane at the best of times but considering I'll have a virtual newborn (DD will be 3 months when I would be expected to go to Vegas) it just seems incredibly selfish.

To be fair my friends did caveat her invite to me by saying she guesses I won't make the Hen do but she'd love for me to make the wedding so at least she had some appreciation to my situation.

OP, why not suggest to your friend that if she really wants to go away she finds someone (Mum / sister / friend) who does have the spare cash and has a low key holiday, then a local Hen do when she gets back?

HoggleHoggle · 04/01/2015 13:38

Gah, she sounds controlling! Sorry Sad

Lovely that you offered though.

Fwiw, I didn't go to a hen do recently even though I was a bridesmaid. It was a long weekend in a massive party capital and I have a ds who was under a year at that point. Luckily the bride completely understood, I was really relieved.

Chucklecheeks · 04/01/2015 13:49

I don't believe the issue is where she wants to for her hen do, that's her choice. The issue is getting the hump when people can't afford/ don't want to go.

Alisvolatpropiis · 04/01/2015 13:52

YANBU.

I had my hen do earlier this year, it was in the city that I and the majority of the attendees lived in. Those who did travel had free accommodation at my house.

It's just meant to be a fun night to me, not a massive money spending thing.

rosiecg · 04/01/2015 13:57

I've fallen out with a friend over this. She (the bride) wasn't even the one planning the hen do, it was her maid of honour. When I said that I couldn't afford to go away for the whole weekend I was told that at the very least I should put some money into their drinks kitty to make up for it.

I ended up putting a tenner into a card for the bride and wrote a message inside saying sorry I can't be there etc. Anyway the others must have been bitching about me all weekend cos when they got back my friend the bride messaged me saying not to bother coming to the wedding either.

GRR. Such a shame. Haven't seen her in 2 years now as she refuses to see me!

specialsubject · 04/01/2015 14:03

perhaps you could say 'doing this will mean we'll end up in debt, which is not a very smart thing to do for a party'.

as for rosies post - good riddance to that one! Clearly your friendship was only worth money to her.

Primrose123 · 04/01/2015 14:14

I think some of these hen things have gone out of control! When I got married, it was more usual to have a hen night, and that was it. I wasn't into heavy drinking, and my best friend was living away, so I planned a nice meal out with some of the women I worked with. In my office, though, I worked with men and we were good friends. They were most put out that they had not been invited to my hen 'do', and asked why they couldn't come. I couldn't come up with a good reason, and really wanted them there, so they came too, and we all had a great time.

Does your friend want a big thing OP? Could you persuade her to go for a day to a spa or something? I agree it's ridiculous to spend a fortune on this sort of thing.

HoggleHoggle · 04/01/2015 14:16

rosie that's bloody awful!

Original poster
Niamhisnotarealname · 04/01/2015 14:29

I don't think she even knows what she wants. All she seems to want is for it to be this amazing life changing holiday basically which isn't going to happen.

I have text her asking her to send me a list of the people she wants to be invited and their phone numbers and I'll organize something nice.

I don't think she will because as someone pointed out above, she is a bit controlling. However if she leaves it to late, knowing my friend the way I know her she will end up with a meal in a pub with only half the people she wanted there because she wont have given anyone enough notice.

The offer is there, if I were here I would be biting my hand off!

OP posts:
DaisyFlowerChain · 04/01/2015 15:08

I hate them, very selfish and me me me.

Weddings should be paid for by the couple but nowadays they don't pay for the hen/stag do's and recoup the wedding and honeymoon costs via the means of a crappy poem.

I long for the return of the weddings where it's about the vows rather than the bride.

TiggerLillies · 04/01/2015 15:49

Yikes at rosiecg's friends!
I had an afternoon tea, most of my friends (married before me) had more extravagant events but even then only lasting the day. They're mostly married with kids and I couldn't stand the thought of people not being able to afford to come.

I'd have sympathy if she herself had to pay lots to attend hen nights /weekends over the years but as a late bride she'll just have to face the reality of the situation and be practical.

Original poster
Niamhisnotarealname · 04/01/2015 15:51

late bride tiggerlillies ? we are 28 not 48! lol

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 04/01/2015 15:55

Yanbu. Although, before you all had kids, did you have weekend hen do's? My friend is getting married next year- she is a lovely person and always makes a huge effort for her friends- including attending a number of weekend hen dos in various locations. Now it is her turn, none of her friends want to know- some reasons are legitimate, but some are just excuses. It's heartbreaking and she's reevaluating her friendships. Her hen do isn't even very extravagant - options to stay just for the day, or 1or 2 nights and is very cheap. It's horrible!

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