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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that Hen 'do's' don't have to be weekends/weeks away?

62 replies

Niamhisnotarealname · 04/01/2015 13:10

My lovely best friend just cant seem to get her head around the fact that no-one wants to go away for a weekend/week for her Hen do.
We all have family's, kids and budgets to stick too.
My friend currently does not have children so therefore more disposable income than me but I also know for a fact that they are in a lot of debt for the wedding plus other things so also do not have all that much disposable income.
I understand she wants to do something special and different but I am not willing to take a weeks holiday from work or spend money going to stay somewhere for two -4 nights and waste money on getting pissed.

She keeps getting the hump when we say no to her repeated different ideas to try and get us to go away for the weekend/week.

Whats wrong with going out for a meal or a few drinks or both? or even if she wants to do something different to a spa or go karting or something. but just for the day?

I didn't even have a Hen do! i thought it was all a bit much of a muchness

OP posts:
WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 04/01/2015 16:06

I've never been to a weekend hen do, they've always just been a meal/drinks out, never been invited to a far away one, or one involving a lot of expense. Didn't have one at all myself. In fact out of about 40 weddings that I've been to I can only think of one or two where I've been invited to a hen night at all, also I have been to hen nights several times where I haven't been invited to the wedding, these have been colleagues. I'm in my 40s, so the peak time in my life for weddings was around 20 years ago, maybe things have changed, but it always used to be just for friends/family that lived locally rather than getting people to travel when they'll be doing so again for the wedding.

wheresthelight · 04/01/2015 16:42

I had a friend who did this (she isn't a friend anymore). she booked her wedding miles away from where everyone lived (including her and now dh) whichever fine but it was in very popular holiday Town at Christmas and the hotel rooms were £140 per person per night with b&b not being much cheaper and then expected us all to drive bloody miles to a completely different city for a hen do Weekend that included a mega expensive spa day followed by upmarket restaurant and bars with everyone expected to stay at the Hilton at over £100 a night.

at the time she was a good friend and although I went to the wedding and the hen weekend I also refused to go to the spa as I simply couldn't afford it and also couldn't get the day off work. I didn't drive so had to get a train so also missed the meal. her and everyone else treated me like a complete pariah for not going and she has barely spoken to me since

Birdsgottafly · 04/01/2015 16:48

It sounds as though she needs a few new friends, who are in the same position or frame as mind as her.

I've always loved the chance of a weekend/overnight break, once mine were over five.

My youngest is 17, so not a problem anymore.

I didn't cut down as much as some women do on socialising, though. I know some women who stop going "out" and want to stick to house celebrations etc once they become Mums.

That's fine as long as it works for you and your partner, but in all the cases I know, the partner doesn't stop.

She may be getting annoyed because every suggestion is being written off by people who are supposed to be her friends.

I'd do my best to put myself out for a friend, would she be happy if it was only overnight?

Storytown · 04/01/2015 16:50

I went to the Toby Grill with my DM, DGM, DSis and a handful of friends. We had at least two bottles of wine.

It really wasn't that long ago......25 years.

Original poster
Niamhisnotarealname · 04/01/2015 16:52

no, none of us have had weekend hen do's those of us that bothered at all were meals out and drinks or a piss up or a BBQ depending on the time of year!

I honestly don't know who she knows who has done the weekend/week thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Niamhisnotarealname · 04/01/2015 16:56

i told her right at the beginning ( and about 6 others agreed with me) that i didn't want to go away for more than two nights maximum due to cost and being away from family and having to take holiday from work and find childcare.

She then starts making suggestions of two night places even further away ( think going from 80 miles to the seaside to 300 to scotland!)

I actually have a horrible feeling my DH is right and she is overcompensating for something.

OP posts:
YoullLikeItNotaLot · 04/01/2015 16:59

Do you know, I'd tell her what your budget was and say "if you can find something for that amount of money, fair play to you we'll do that" - let her see that it's a practicality issue rather than you not wanting yo do something nice.

I agree with you by the way.

wheresthelight · 04/01/2015 17:03

can someone not take it out of her hands and arrange it? I didn't think the bride was supposed to arrange her own hen do?

for mine my sister hired a pub in our town and arranged a huge buffet and we had a one nighter which was fantastic and everyone enjoyed. a few people travelled and we just arranged for them to stay with other friends

Original poster
Niamhisnotarealname · 04/01/2015 17:07

wheresthelight I have offered. Three times now. I don't know the full list of people she will want to come and so I'm stuck really. I don't know all her work friends and things otherwise I would just do it.

She wants to do it 'together'

OP posts:
NoLongerJustAShopGirl · 04/01/2015 17:20

I arranged my own hen do as I don't drink.

we had afternoon tea at the local 5 star hotel. It was lovely - they threw in free Champagne for the girls when they heard it was a hen do - and some exotic alcohol free cocktails for me too. Still gets mentioned as a grand day out 15 years on...

Original poster
Niamhisnotarealname · 04/01/2015 17:22

something like this www.galleriesofjustice.org.uk/afterdark/medieval-sheriffs-banquet/ would be super and right up her/our street.

I have sent it to her.

OP posts:
TillyGotTangled · 04/01/2015 17:27

My best friend is getting married next year and although it will be a week away foreign for the hen do, of the 6 of us going (5 bridesmaids and the bride) we can at least all afford it.

BUT

Of the 5 bridesmaids she has 2 strict Christians who don't drink and lead generally "clean" lives and 3 (like her) who very much like, erm, drinking. I imagine a week away isn't going to end well as it is just such a huge disparity in ideals.

I am trying very hard to gently persuade her that perhaps two smaller hen dos would suit a bit better so no-one (on either side) is ramroaded into their idea of a hell for a week.

TillyGotTangled · 04/01/2015 17:28

This year I just realised Grin

wheresthelight · 04/01/2015 17:38

Not sure what more you can do other than tell her straight that you cannot entertain such a distance as she is aware and she needs to reign it in or unfortunately you can't be there.

peggysue82 · 04/01/2015 17:48

I agree with the other person who suggested discussing your budgets with her. Agree a set amount and if she can find something for that then great...if not have some alternative options on hand that you think she might be happy with. I had my hen do in the south of France which a few people declined to come to due to the expected cost...as it turned out it didn't cost us much more than if we had gone away in the UK. I understood though that not everyone would be able to come and there was a great group of us in the end... As an alternative for the people who couldn't make it I had a local night out to a cheesy nightclub a couple of weeks before the wedding. If it's what your friend really wants then as her friend you really should try your best to make it the hen do she is hoping for. If money is a bit tight then could u look at staying in a hostel? My friends and I have had a few times away in some now and although at first I was less than enthusiastic about it they were really great, plus your only really there for a few hours kip in reality. Or I can highly recommend The Rettalack near Padstow...great houses suitable for a group with hottub and near Newquay for a hen do night out! Wink

HenriettaTurkey · 04/01/2015 17:55

My hen night was great fun & not mega expensive! My friends came over beforehand and we all got ready together, then headed to the races. Tickets were about a tenner.

Back to mine for chilli in the evening then back out for cocktails. All welcome to sleep over after - cue much misbehaviour & hilarity!

It was brilliant and people were completely in control of their own budgets.

newyearsresolutionsnotforme · 04/01/2015 20:46

I think it's fair enough for a bride or groom to want to do what they want so long as they accept that people can and will turn down the invites whether it's a weekend away, spa weekend or chilled out curry.

I know for my sister they all love the weekend hen dos which usually involve going places like centre parks. They do have a night of drinking but mostly it's spa places they've been. They all use it to get away together and relish the next Hen do. Mine tend to go for one nighters which sometimes end up just as expensive ><

Your friend does sound like she's looking to overcompensate or perhaps distract from something. You can get some great rates using the Hen do websites, whether it's for a day or weekend- our friend may want to google 'hen do's uk, there's a couple there. Also if you've got time, one of my sister's friend's used Groupon to have a good time away. They all got cheap cottage rental for the weekend using it so it worked out really cheap.

Bluetonic123 · 04/01/2015 21:06

I have lost a friend because she took offence to the fact that I couldn't afford 4 days away in Barcelona with a load of people I barely know but could afford to go to Glastonbury. She didn't see to understand that spending that much money on something you want to do and have budgeted for is not the same as being able to summon up the same amount of money for something you don't want to do.

A good friend of mine who recently got married had a day and night out with an overnight stay and brunch the next day but split it into parts and people attended what they wanted to / could afford.

As she is a really good friend and I had the cash I went to all of it but various people just came for the meal or the day time activities and it was nice as there was no pressure.

newyearsresolutionsnotforme · 04/01/2015 21:11

Bluetonic123 Sounds like the first friend wasn't a very good one in the first place. Any decent friend wouldn't mind at all, they may be sad you can't be there but not angry.

Bluetonic123 · 04/01/2015 23:07

No she wasn't really. Her hen do was going to cost £370 for fights and accommodation and obviously there would be spending money too, as well as the need to take time off work.

OwlinaTree · 05/01/2015 03:11

Hen do friend has probably 'had' to go on loads of expensive weekend hen dos and is a bit upset no one wants to go away for hers.

AmericasTorturedBrow · 05/01/2015 03:15

You know I've only been on hen nights out, or a weekend organized in London (where we all live so no transport or accommodation) which a variety of activities everyone could pick and choose. DH and I were broke and foolishly young when we wed so just had a big joint night on the piss with all our friends.

Only weekend away we've done was a joint bachelor do (gay couple) which was awesome but only a 1.5hr drive and 2 nights away

FitzgeraldProtagonist · 05/01/2015 07:03

It seems men go away on these things more than women. And not only that but willingly, with excitement and without guilt at cost. The bride waves away groom for four days in Prague whilst her friends only want to go to the locals boozer-would give me hump a bit. But a guest and bride would find cost/childcare totally prohibitive. Thus wouldn't go.

NewYearNewBrie · 05/01/2015 09:19

YANBU. I don't even want a hen do. I hate going out and drinking! I don't want to see male strippers - if I marry DP, thats what he's there for. I don't want to make cocktails - I don't like them. I think willy straws are tacky. What the hell are you meant to do for a week?!

monkeytroubles · 05/01/2015 09:21

I agree it's all gotten a bit out of hand. Stag do's are going the same way too. It used to be a hen/stag night somewhere local, then the done thing seemed to be a weekend away in London or another major city in the UK, now it's up to a week abroad. I think people need to realise that by asking someone to commit to a week long hen do in an expensive European city and the like, you might well be asking them to sacrifice their family holiday that year. If DH gets invited to a stag do that's a long weekend in Prague, for instance, the same year as go to Barcelona for 4 nights on a hen do then we couldn't afford to take the kids on holiday in the same year.

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