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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to cook anything....?

61 replies

Mrshumptydumpty · 03/01/2015 20:25

I suppose I just want to know peoples thoughts....

DH and I have been together 10 years. We have two small kids ( pre school and KS1).

Ever since I have known DH he has never really cooked anything. I mean I cannot think of one single meal he has actually cooked.

In the early days of our relationship I did not really notice or mind as I loved cooking both for him and others and it was obvious he had no idea so we just fell into me always cooking.

The only meal he has ever presented me with was a jacket potato with salad on the side, however I later found out his neighbour cooked it for him before I arrived!!

If I am ill or away he/ we just don't eat. For example I had to work over Xmas so DH has the kids, he fed them crap all day long, eg crackers for lunch, biscuits, crisps etc.

As time has gone on this has become a problem as to be honest I am just sick sorry and tired of cooking day in day out. We have one very fussy eater too and I'm vegetarian so sometimes I end up doing three variations on a meal which is far from enjoyable.

The thing is in other ways he is more than contributing his fair share, he works very long hours and earns a six figure salary so we have a very nice home and financial security. He single handedly renovated our last house in his spare time. But this issues is now bugging me.

Just want others perspective on how unusual this situation is!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrshumptydumpty · 03/01/2015 20:27

Also just to mention I do work ( professional job) three days a week and also do voluntary work one day a week for half a day so I am not a SAHM.

OP posts:
CocktailQueen · 03/01/2015 20:28

Jeez that would irritate me too. How difficult is it to cook? If you can read, you can cook. Get him a cookery book? Teach him? Something so basic should be shared IMO - what if you broke your leg and were out of action, ur in hospital?

I do the vast majority of cooking in our house because I work at home and am here more often than dh, but dh can cook, eg at weekends.

Original poster
Mrshumptydumpty · 03/01/2015 20:29

I think the problem is he simply doesn't want to though, in the same way I would not want to do DIY or to work 60 hours per week.

OP posts:
dingit · 03/01/2015 20:30

My dh rarely cooks. His cooking is a takeaway Smile he works long hours, does loads of other stuff at home and earns a six figure salary.

motherinferior · 03/01/2015 20:31

That is spectacularly pathetic IMO.

My partner didn't really cook when I met him. Fifteen years on he's a rather good cook. And no, I didn't teach him. I did get quite cross though...

motherinferior · 03/01/2015 20:32

I fail to see what a six figure salary has to do with being a culinary incompetent.

Artandco · 03/01/2015 20:34

Sounds a lazy ass to me. Your both busy full time imo. So you need to sit him down and discuss that from now on he needs to be doing at least 50% cooking

snowgirl1 · 03/01/2015 20:35

My DH didn't really cook - he would heat things I instructed him to, i.e. "we're having soup and toast for supper, please could you do it?", but every meal he need to be told what we were eating and what he needed to do. Last Christmas I tried the 'Hello Fresh' service just to shake up what we ate a little bit. They send you the recipe cards and all the ingredients you need and most recipes take 30 - 40 minutes. DH now cooks these (in turn with me) just fine - seems like he just lacks inspiration and needs to be told what to cook and have everything (ingredients) to hand. Might be worth trying something like that?

surroundedbyblondes · 03/01/2015 20:36

Watching with interest. DH and I have had another row today on the exact same subject.

Original poster
Mrshumptydumpty · 03/01/2015 20:36

Mother inferior yes I get what you mean, but it's relevant IMO as I think it does demonstrate he is more than pulling his weight in other areas.

I do see that these days men are expected to want and be able to cook but should this be across the board. Like should I be expected to do DIY and decorating etc ( I am crap at these things and hate being asked to try doing them for what it's worth).

OP posts:
mrsmugoo · 03/01/2015 20:38

Yubu expecting your DH to cook but yanbu to expect him to take an occasional turn at providing food for the family, even if he's not cooked it himself.

My DH can't -won't- cook either. If he's responsible for providing food for us he brings a takeaway home. I don't care how the food gets prepared, as long as I don't have to do it every single day!

TravelinColour · 03/01/2015 20:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Mrshumptydumpty · 03/01/2015 20:40

Travel I take it that was a joke comment as obviously we cannot afford to employ a chef.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 03/01/2015 20:41

Decorating and DIY are optional (believe me - we keep thinking vaguely we must get around to doing some). Putting food on the table, day after sodding day, is not. Dinner has to happen. I would absolutely hate it if I had to produce it every day.

Original poster
Mrshumptydumpty · 03/01/2015 20:42

I no longer attempts to prepare a meal from scratch on my work day, we now have a ready meal. He does buy the odd takeaway if I suggest it and we do eat out although not frequently ( maybe once a month).

OP posts:
motherinferior · 03/01/2015 20:43

And what happens if you go away? Not being able to feed your kids is a bit crap (my dad was like that).

PiSeas · 03/01/2015 20:44

When DH and I got together he couldn't cook at all. I had learned to cook at 9. I love it, however I insisted he learned the basics at least in case I was ill/had baby. I taught him the basics.
He came from a long line of 'women looking after him' but I put my foot down. I needed to know he could provide for any DCs if I wasn't around.
He is now a great cook and now insists on cooking a few nights a week. My DS is 4 and I've already got him in the kitchen peeling and mixing and pushing the buttons for laundry.

YonicSleighdriver · 03/01/2015 20:44

Will he not even heat a ready meal?

Those from COOK are pretty nutritious.

BrianButterfield · 03/01/2015 20:44

I think it's really shit to not even provide a meal - there are so many ways food can get on the table that involve little or no skill that someone who can't or won't heat up a ready meal or ready-prepared stuff is being quite wilful. You can walk into Tesco - or better, M&S (smaller shops for those who hate shopping!) and get a main course, veg and sides that require nothing more than putting in the oven. Anyone able bodied should be able to do that at least.

I get annoyed because I have found myself cooking most of the time when we used to split it, but at least I know DH can cook and will when needed.

DoItTooJulia · 03/01/2015 20:45

It's crap that he can't make anything at all for when you're ill or whatever.

He needs to sort that out! But I totally get it about the he works/does diy/other stuff, but the cooking is soooo relentless. From the thought about what to cook, to the shopping for it, preparing it etc.

Perhaps you need to help him build a simple repertoire and agree on a certain night being simple tea night. Beans on toast is easy enough after all!

TravelinColour · 03/01/2015 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleBearPad · 03/01/2015 20:47

At an absolute minimum he should be able to feed his children if you are out or ill.

To be honest he should be able to cook and do it willingly at least some of the time. His salary doesn't excuse him from some domestic tasks.

Original poster
Mrshumptydumpty · 03/01/2015 20:47

Tonic honestly he even seems to struggle with ready meals!! For example I occasionally take the kids away to my Mums and I leave him ready meals to eat while I am gone. More often than not they will still be there when. I get back.

It's really odd!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrshumptydumpty · 03/01/2015 20:50

He has said he 'trusts' my cooking and can be funny about eating out, some places he will not go to for example as he doesn't think the food is prepared right/ hygienically. So maybe he just doesn't believe he can actually prepare food safely.

Thanks for all the replies they are giving me lots of food for thought!!

OP posts:
Karoleann · 03/01/2015 20:50

DH cooks once a year on valentine's day. He will make beans on toast for the children (or burn the occasional fish finger).

Its fine, I'm a much better cook than him, he's the breadwinner and see it as my job. It works for us. He contributes in lots of other ways...its really not an issue in our relationship.