To expect DH to cook anything....?

[Mrshumptydumpty]

I suppose I just want to know peoples thoughts....

DH and I have been together 10 years. We have two small kids ( pre school and KS1).

Ever since I have known DH he has never really cooked anything. I mean I cannot think of one single meal he has actually cooked.

In the early days of our relationship I did not really notice or mind as I loved cooking both for him and others and it was obvious he had no idea so we just fell into me always cooking.

The only meal he has ever presented me with was a jacket potato with salad on the side, however I later found out his neighbour cooked it for him before I arrived!!

If I am ill or away he/ we just don't eat. For example I had to work over Xmas so DH has the kids, he fed them crap all day long, eg crackers for lunch, biscuits, crisps etc.

As time has gone on this has become a problem as to be honest I am just sick sorry and tired of cooking day in day out. We have one very fussy eater too and I'm vegetarian so sometimes I end up doing three variations on a meal which is far from enjoyable.

The thing is in other ways he is more than contributing his fair share, he works very long hours and earns a six figure salary so we have a very nice home and financial security. He single handedly renovated our last house in his spare time. But this issues is now bugging me.

Just want others perspective on how unusual this situation is!!!

Humpty if your income allows i'd get it all from Cook/Waitrose, put in freezer and serve with fresh veg/salad. When/if he questions your grocery bill just tell him the alternative (he cooks sometimes)!

Another one here with a DH who can't/won't cook.

Like your DH he does pull his weight in other areas, probably more so than I do in some ways, he's quit energetic about getting stuff done around the house.

I let it go.

One difference is that when I'm out/away, DH always orders take-aways. Our DS has a better than I would've liked knowledge of take-away options. Not ideal but not the end of the world.

I also work 3-4 days pw and carefully plan our week's meals so I have extra easy options for days I will be out of the house for longer.

Personally i think YANBU. My Exdp wouldn't/couldn't cook. But he didn't earn a great wage or do anything much so ultimately he ended up being my ex!

The feeding the kids crap when you're not there would seriously piss me off. But the more you post, the more I wonder whether he actually has some 'issues' around food (the trusting your cooking, etc). I wonder if this is about more than just 'can't cook won't cook'...

It doesn't sound like classic lazy incompetent male (a la so many painful mumsnet threads these days) as he clearly does other stuff around the house. Would he respond to a kind of step by step guide? I.e. boil kettle, tip boiled water into saucepan, add 1 cup pasta, boil for ten mins type thing? Or would he be resistant? Sorry I don't really have any other suggestions but you're definitely not being unreasonable. The situation you describe would wind me up no end.

My DH cooks bacon and fried egg sandwiches (with lots of black bits, smoke and a blackened pan - heat always on far too high) for breakfast occasionally, he has cooked a blackened oven pizza once and did pasta which was mushy served with a stir in sauce and (you guessed it) blackened fried onions.

He made it clear from the day we met he would never cook and i'm okay with that. in fact i hate being cooked for. I like to plan my meals so nothing overlaps and i really enjoy cooking.

It is a bit of a pain that if i'm not there he couldn't feed the children but he just takes them out. Sometimes they just have chocolate for lunch. So i always leave food ready to re-heat. The problem is DS would never eat anything easy to prepare, so there is no point him even learning something basic as unless it's a 'proper' dinner it would be wasted (DS doesn't eat Beans, Egg, Toast, Jacket potato, pasta, noodles, rice, chips, anything dry like oven cooked stuff and loads more).

YANBU. He fed the kids crackers/biscuits - he can't even slice some cheese and serve with a bit of bread?!

It is a big issue as it puts a burden on you every day. I had a boyfriend who stayed 3 nights a week for a couple of months and I always had to plan/cook the meals and I found it a huge burden - it felt like an extra child in the house. It's partly the planning/decision aspect for me. Can he not even select a ready meal and bung in microwave/oven? Does he care for you in other ways - make you a cup of tea, give you a lie in sometimes at weekends etc?

Have just thought of my typical example of what happens if I ask him to cook!!!

So a few months back I was out and kids with DH. I suggested boiled eggs for lunch with bread soldiers. Explained eggs would need ten minutes to be hard boiled.

Knowing DH as I do I said ' what I would do is boil in the kettle and use that water as it will be a bit easier'

Got two missed calls at lunch time, called back, DH really peed off as my egg boiling instructions were incorrect, the eggs wouldn't cook, totally baffled I ask him to explain step by step what he had done.

It turns out he did boil the kettle, and them get this, stood the eggs in said booking water for ten minutes waiting for them to cook. He did not actually boil them!!!!! He repeated this twice before concluding my instructions were wrong and tried ringing me to check.

This is a man who runs a very successful company and employs over fifty people, understands complex tax and employment stuff, generally very competent!! This is what I struggle with.

Sorry not boil in the actual kettle, boil kettle and use that water....

What did he do before he married you??

Not being able to do a jacket potato is pretty feeble!

chilli, cottage pie, sausage & mash all pretty easy I would have thought.

i don't go out to work, husband works full time & he still cooks at weekends to give me a break!

I fucking hate cooking. Food doesnt interest me, i would happily live on toast and bacon. But i'm a single parent and someone needs to feed the kids. I left home not knowing how to boil an egg. But necessity meant i had to learn. I have books and the internet. He should know a few quick basic dinners just to give you a break and incase anything happens and he is on his own with DCs. But then he may just be eternally lazy in that department knowing you will always feed everyone. I know i am very lazy about cooking but at least i do it.

Does he not have a laptop/ phone/ computer? Nowadays you can type anything in and get recipes/ method. If he can't do that to get step by step instructions if needed that's ridiculous

As an aside, my 4 year old followed recipe for banana and cinnamon muffins today. He Did everything apart from the actual oven part. He's 4!

I hate cooking. Its partly that I know im not that good at it and partly that im not that bothered. If I lived alone I would rarely eat a proper cooked meal. DH does the proper cooking and I do the heating up of food but I hate doing it and get him to at every opportunity. I would teach him a few meals such as scrambled eggs, beans on toast etc. So the kids wont starve if you're out. Then I'd buy more of the ready to cook prepared stuff (our local butcher does all sorts of stuff that basically just needs heating) and I'd have take out more often for when you want a break.

Some people really have no aptitude for cooking and no interest in it. However, an adult who can't/won't ever do so much as heat up a ready meal when that adult shares a home with children who need to be fed, is being selfish and lazy. I will let him off if he always washes up, though.

DH doesn't cook, but when I am at work DC will have cereal or toast for breakfast. With fruit.

Then a sandwich with fruit, yogurt and crisps.

He doesn't need to cook, but he needs to be able to give the DC a balanced diet.

Is nt working 60 hours a week and renovating a house a sufficient contribution ?

NOrth- not really. Both dh and I work 60+ hours a week, and maintain the house. If we both refused to cook both us and our children wouldn't eat..

He needs to be able to feed meals to the children, even if he chooses to eat crap.

Fwiw my DH earns much more than me but is more than happy to cook.

Most peculiar. I taught myself to cook because after 18 years of DM's punitive casseroles and the scant rations of boarding school, I wanted meals to be a pleasure, not just fuel.

Don't know if anyone else has said this, I get your point about DIY and the other thing you don't like doing OP but always the point of cooking is that it has to be done at least once every day. Every single day. People don't have to do DIY or even work in their job every single day (usually).

The point about feeding your children crap is also extremely important. Is he not ashamed?

I don't think you have told us yet what your dh says when you talk to him about this. Surely he could learn two meals say, even if he doesnt' want to. We all have to do things we don't want to do.

As others have said, it's perfectly possible to put a reasonably healthy meal on the table without having any cooking skills (either microwaved ready meal or salad/bread/cold meat/cheese). An adult capable of using a computer, driving a car and holding down a job has no excuse for only feeding DC biscuits and crisps.
If OP was the sort who was nagging him to learn to cook properly ie lots of fussing and chopping and fancy ingredients, and objecting if he was only up for doing salad or a ready meal then it would be a bit more get-over-yourself. But I am getting slight hints of a man who thinks that food preparation is women's work and therefore deliberately messes it up when it's his turn so he won';t get asked to do it again.

DH has always been a terrible cook - too many years of MIL fussing over him and her belief that cooking is "wimmin's work". We are working on expanding his repertoire in the kitchen, and can now at least do simple pasta dishes (mostly pasta with a jar/defrosted batch of my sauce and a bit extra veg), jacket potatoes, etc. If I left it all to him we'd live on chicken burgers, oven chips and beans. He doesn't enjoy it, but neither do I and I do the majority of the cooking here.

He does realise that he needs to be able to feed the DC proper food if I am not here, so he is trying to get better. The DIY issue is a non argument in this house - he does most of it simply because I do most of the cooking but I am more than capable of doing that myself. I've started cooking with 3yo DS1 because I'm determined that my DC will not be helpless in the kitchen (much to MILs horror!)

My DH used to be like this, but not quite as bad. Never really bothered me pre-DC because he is much more domesticated than me in other ways. But recently our work and childcare arrangements have changed and he is responsible for feeding the children after school 4 days a week. Even he realised he would have to cook proper meals for them. They are fairly basic but he does it (and DD1 helps if he decides to do something a bit more ambitious that involves following a recipe). I provided him with some basic menus to start with. Most involve just grilling some meat or fish and serving with rice or pasta and some veg (often salad veg or other veg that require limited prep) but he was also able to follow basic recipes like spag Bol, so long as I was around to answer questions the first time. I can't say he now enjoys cooking, but I think is quite proud that he can manage.

You have some options.

You could teach him to cook and buy him some basic cook books.

You could tell him to teach himself to cook - it isn't difficult.

You could batch cook and freeze, either together, so he learns how to do it, or do it all on your weekday that you are not working.

It depends on whether the problem is just the provision of meals, or if you feel it is a relationship/division of domestic labour problem.

He should be ashamed that he cannot even boil an egg or heat up a can of beans for the kids.

My husband would do those at a push. He doesn't cook. I do that. However, he can and does make good and nutritious sandwiches. Yours should at least be able and willing to do that.

I suggest a book called "Nosh for Students" If he needs a beginner's idiot's guide. I bought it from Amazon a couple of years ago for my eldest daughter when she left fo university with limited cooking experience. She has found it very good. It does nothing fancy, assumes no knowledge and needs only mugs, spoons, basic cutlery and the odd saucepan or frying pan as equipment. He only needs to be able to read to manage th recipes and I assume he can do that.