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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed about my mother's visit?

33 replies

disappointeddaughter · 29/12/2014 15:47

Mother lives about 6 hours away. She's visiting for the holidays. Only sees her grandchild for this 2 week period once a year.

She's spent most of her time here so far watching some shit on her laptop with her headphones in.

You'd think she'd want to play with her grandchild wouldn't you?

OP posts:
VitalStollenFix · 29/12/2014 15:49

you would.
talk to her.
perhaps suggest activities you can all do together.

CalleighDoodle · 29/12/2014 15:49

How rude of her. Can you arrangevsome activities?

Writerwannabe83 · 29/12/2014 15:50

How old is the child?

Writerwannabe83 · 29/12/2014 15:51

And do you mean that out of the 52 weeks in the year they only have contact with each other for two of them?

Original poster
disappointeddaughter · 29/12/2014 15:55

Child is nearly 3, and yes, she only sees her for this time in the year, we do skype throughout the year too.

Child has loads of new toys etc with it just being xmas, I thought she'd be sat playing with her and showing a real interest, but no.

OP posts:
LadyLuck10 · 29/12/2014 15:57

How long does she spend with your dd everyday?

Stripyhoglets · 29/12/2014 15:58

Don't let he stay two weeks next year, if she's not interested then get her in and out in 3 days max. I wouldn't want someone hanging round my house who wasn't actually interested in interacting at all!

Writerwannabe83 · 29/12/2014 16:05

I just don't think some people are particularly interested in children or they struggle to know how to interact with very young children. I imagine that some older people would feel 'silly' playing child games with a toddler. You may find in the next few years as your child gets older and can have conversations that your mother shows more interest.

Is there any reason why they don't see each other more often?

It probably can't help that they don't have a relationship as such due to not seeing or knowing each other. Does she seem bonded to your daughter? Does she ask about her a lot and demonstrate affection during conversations etc?

If it helps, my FIL lives 20 doors away and doesn't really have much to do with my DS. He will pop round maybe 1-2 times a fortnight but there's no extreme interest. DS is just a baby though (9m/o) so I'm putting it down to that Grin

All you can do us not take it personally and hope that as your daughter gets a bit older your mother will feel more able to
Interact with her and then a better relationship will form.

Original poster
disappointeddaughter · 29/12/2014 16:10

She's staying here for two weeks, all day everyday, in our spare room, she bangs on and on about my daughter all year, loves her to bits etc. We don't see each other often because she lives so far away and it's expensive to travel.

She's all 'I used to colour in with you for hours as a kid' bla bla bla.. well there's loads of drawing stuff and nothing. She's not old, she's only 58.

OP posts:
TallulahTwinkletoes · 29/12/2014 16:15

Hmmm, my mum does this. I probably go and see her once a month/every few months for a day. She'll moan she doesn't see dd enough but spends the entire time on candy crush.

You need to talk to her. Was she like this on previous visits?

MyballsareSandy · 29/12/2014 16:16

Jesus she sounds like one of my teens! I'd also be very disappointed if this was my mum.

Original poster
disappointeddaughter · 29/12/2014 16:21

Not to this extent on previous visits.

Yesterday I actually sat on my laptop for most of the day, (kind of a test if you will) and let the toddler just play to her hearts content and make a huge mess with all her new stuff. I thought if I left her to it my mum would join in with her and play with her. She didn't. (we had a day in as it's freezing out and we didn't need any shopping or to go out).

Do I really have to have a conversation with her about this? Isn't it fucking obvious? I'm afraid if I say anything it will come out all angry and aggressive - I'm quite upset/mad about it to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
disappointeddaughter · 29/12/2014 17:56

I'll probably just burst in a few days.

OP posts:
TallulahTwinkletoes · 29/12/2014 18:32

Could you get DC to ask her to play? Or say to DC 'how about we play a little game with grandma now'. Something simple to drive your point home...

MaryWestmacott · 29/12/2014 18:35

You need to get out if the house together, any parks or national trust properties or attractions near you to go let your dd run around and take granny for a visit?

CelesteToTheDance · 29/12/2014 18:40

Kids are really boring within five minutes for many people, there's only so much conversation you can have with a three year old. Some people can entertain children for hours on end, your mothers not one of them. She sounds bad company considering she's glued to her computer but if you have nothing planned and are ignoring her until she pays your kid attention then she's probably very bored and making the effort to stay out of your way because she doesn't want to be in your way, messing up your routine, interefering etc.... She doesn't know that you expect her to play Mary Poppins and it wouldn't help if she did because she's not that person.

WooWooOwl · 29/12/2014 18:46

Three year old children aren't interesting to everyone, even grandparents. The fact that your mother isn't really interested in paying with children's toys doesn't mean she doesn't love her grandchild.

I think you're being unfair to be angry about this. I could understand disappointment that your child isn't getting as much entertainment as you'd hoped for, but you have no reason to be angry.

MaryWestmacott · 29/12/2014 18:57

Are you a bit annoyed as well as she's gone on about what a great, involved and very engaged mother she was (was the "colouring in for hours" comment a dig at you letting dd just play by herself/putting cbeebies on sometimes?), and coupled with her going on about how much she wants to see your dd throughout the year, but clearly now that's just said because she thinks she should say that and feel that way?

Jodie1982 · 29/12/2014 19:24

Just tell her, "stop being so unsociable, let's do some colouring in with DD' don't be scared of saying anything, she's your mum. My Brother would come n visit me n kids, and most of the day he'd be hooked up to my WiFi on Facebook or Dating Sites, hardly interacting with his Nieces n nephews, I told him off n he hardly visits now. Oooops

SaucyJack · 29/12/2014 19:29

Would switching off the Wi-Fi help?

Bowchickawowow · 29/12/2014 19:30

My mum doesn't play with my DS's and she never played with me either. She claims in the late 70s / early 80s people just let their children get on with things and didn't feel the need to endlessly entertain their children...! We used to play things that were essentially housework eg she would give me extra pastry to
Play with when she was cooking, or she would give me a sheet to make a den while she ironed and folded the rest of the sheets. She will take the DS's out, I would suggest you go out somewhere together. Playing with small children for more than about 20 minutes can be mind numbing. I like being around my children but I canmt say I enjoy all their nutty games!

Ruperta · 29/12/2014 19:35

My mum would do this (she actually sit in the bedroom watching TV programmes on her iPad)& she is no better when we go out. She just isn't very good at interacting with children. She comes from

Original poster
disappointeddaughter · 29/12/2014 19:47

Perhaps you're right. Maybe she's just not as interested as she makes out.

OP posts:
drudgetrudy · 29/12/2014 19:56

YANBU to be disappointed-she doesn't seem to be making much effort with either you or your daughter. In fact she's being a bit rude.

Is there any explanation for this-is she pre-occupied with any problem or feeling depressed?

christinarossetti · 29/12/2014 19:59

My mother is a bit like this. Most of her relationship with her grandchildren is in her head.

It's very disappointing and irritating.