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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my DD to split money from Grannie with DS

30 replies

JaceLancs · 28/12/2014 23:56

My ex MIL sent card and cheque to DD, but nothing has arrived for DS
It could have been lost in post, however she also has some dementia and frequently presents get mislaid/forgotten/sent on wrong dates etc
I am not in touch with her personally, and would not want to hurt her feelings anyway
DS could ask exh to intervene but doesn't like to, and has said he will settle for nothing.
I think this is unfair and they should share it
If another cheque or present arrives at some point then they could split that, depending on what it is

OP posts:

MrsTawdry · 28/12/2014 23:57

How old are DC? How much money is it?

MuttonCadet · 28/12/2014 23:58

How much are you talking? If it's not a big amount I'd be inclined to leave it and mention to exDP

manicinsomniac · 28/12/2014 23:58

I wouldn't force her to share but I would be very upset if she didn't offer to/insist on doing so off her own bat. How old is she?

needaholidaynow · 28/12/2014 23:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Frogme · 29/12/2014 00:01

I think that is a good plan. I'd be upset if my child didn't think that was a good idea too

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 29/12/2014 00:03

yes I would insist it was shared and say that should any further cheques arrive that too will be shared

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 29/12/2014 00:19

I really don't think you should cash the cheque at all. I think a lady with dementia does not know what she is doing.

My nan has dementia and apart from cards I would never take moniarty gifts from her, as she would forget and think she has been robbed.

Theas18 · 29/12/2014 00:31

If it's up to £10-20 I'd match it with the same for dS and just not even refer to it.

If it's more like £50-100 not cashing it seems the right thing.

I can't think of an amount that sharing it would enter my head ..

Theboodythatrocked · 29/12/2014 00:35

How sad this lady has dementure.

What help does she need/you give her?

Personally I wouldn't dream of taking money from someone with dementure as they are incapable of judgment.

Who helps her? Who is making sure she isn't being taken advantage of?

Dancingincircles · 29/12/2014 00:36

I wouldn't cash the cheque if she has dementia and I would probably take my DCs to go and visit her more often if her dementia is getting worse as she clearly wants to keep in touch with her grandchildren.

mrsfuzzy · 29/12/2014 00:37

i agree with piper on the one hand, but i wouldn't split the money, as it could cause resentment, what are the ages of the dc and the amount? for the long short if is is a smallish amount would it be possible to give you ds the same amount ? but he sounds quite mature to to be too bothered about it any way, so good for him.

Dancingincircles · 29/12/2014 00:37

But I guess your exdh is doing that so no idea why I thought to mention it, sorry

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 29/12/2014 00:39

I hardly think a Christmas card with a cheque in it too grandchildren warrants suggesting that this woman is being ripped off. People with dementia don't lose all capacity overnight and are still capable of wanting to send their grandchildren gifts in the early/moderate stages.

Floggingmolly · 29/12/2014 00:42

How exactly do you propose that your ex "intervene"???

attheendoftheday · 29/12/2014 08:21

Dementia is not an all or nothing thing, people can have it to a greater or lesser extent. You certainly don't loose capacity to decide to send a cheque to your grandchildren on diagnosis!

I think it's fine to cash the cheque, and splitting seems a good idea.

LePetitMarseillais · 29/12/2014 08:24

Split without a doubt,had similar situations.

She may have intended that anyway but forgot to make it clear.

Flangeshrub · 29/12/2014 08:46

How patronising! Just because someone has a dementia diagnosis it doesn't mean they do not have capacity to make decisions about their finances. It can take 5 years plus before they need someone to make financial decisions on their behalf. The clients I work with would be devastated if their Christmas present wasn't cashed because of fears they didn't know what they were doing.

Split it.

waithorse · 29/12/2014 08:50

What Flange said, exactly that. Poor lady isn't allowed to send dgc a Christmas present because she has dementia.

LizzieMint · 29/12/2014 08:53

One of my relatives always sends money to my children but often forgets the last birthday in the year, which happens to be my DSs. It's a few days after my DDs, and she usually gets a £20 note in a card so if one doesn't arrive for DS, I just pretend it has and give him £20 myself. How much was the cheque for? Can you just match it yourself?

MrsMaker83 · 29/12/2014 08:55

Why are people diving in head first suggesting not accepting the money?

I have a relative with dementia and she is capable of sending xmas presents. Unless it was a ridiculous amount (which i imagine the op would have already mentioned if so) i really don't understand why people are commenting about this?

The OP is asking for advice re splitting money, not remarks about whether the person none of you actually know is capable of making decisions about sending gifts.

Op - i would encourage the children to share, its the kindest and fairest way.

Olivo · 29/12/2014 08:56

I have the same thing from an aunt who often forgets one birthday that is just after the other. We either split the amount or add it into the Other bank account ourselves.

skylark2 · 29/12/2014 08:56

Wouldn't she have put them in the same envelope if she'd sent to both?

Is DD older? My suspicion would be that the dementia is at work here and she either meant to write both cheques and forgot or has forgotten her second GC :(

YonicSleighdriver · 29/12/2014 08:56

"How sad this lady has dementure.

What help does she need/you give her? "

She is the mother of OP's ex-p. OP is not in touch with her. It is ex-p's responsibility to take his children to see his mother

Agree to split it or maybe use the money to buy something they'd both like (a board game?)

Olivo · 29/12/2014 08:57

Oh, and this year Dc1 was delighted, when, having offered to share, a second cheque arrived for Dc2

SugarPlumTree · 29/12/2014 08:59

Yes absolutely cash the cheque. My Mum has Dememtia and asked for me to arrange to give my DC some money this Christmas. I have run it by my Brother who is joint Attorney but under the rules for holding POA there is provision fir the Attorney to make gifts in accordance to the pattern the person set previously.

I would split or make up myself depending on amount.

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