To ask my DD to split money from Grannie with DS

[JaceLancs]

My ex MIL sent card and cheque to DD, but nothing has arrived for DS
It could have been lost in post, however she also has some dementia and frequently presents get mislaid/forgotten/sent on wrong dates etc
I am not in touch with her personally, and would not want to hurt her feelings anyway
DS could ask exh to intervene but doesn't like to, and has said he will settle for nothing.
I think this is unfair and they should share it
If another cheque or present arrives at some point then they could split that, depending on what it is

[LokiBear]

My great grandma always sent me money and never anything for my brothers. No other reason than I was her favourite I think. I hated it. She'd done the same with my dad and his brother when they were little, except my uncle was the 'favourite' so my dad got nothing. Completely different situation to yours, but I was always happy to share the money because I felt awful that I got something and my brothers didn't. I bet your dd will feel the same. Sharing seems the right thing to do.

[Thisishowyoudisappear]

Your children sound lovely. I think sharing is the way to go. Maybe you could then take them somewhere/do something as a treat to thank them for being so kind to each other, rather than you making up the money yourself, since they already know that only one cheque was sent.

[emeline]

If I had dementia, and I'd sent £ to one of my grandchildren, and then blanked the other one...I'd want somebody to tell me. Just smile and fgs, tell me so I can sort it out.

[Storytown]

Of course the DGC should accept the money, presumably the amount and gift are in line with what she usually likes to give, it's not like she's suddenly sent £100s to one child.

Personally, I would ask ex what he thinks we should do. Maybe he could speak to his mother, check her cheque book, point out the error and get it resolved that way. That's what my DPs would have done for both my sets of GPs. All the GPs, once they started with dementia would have wanted to continue to send gifts but were aware they needed help sometimes to get everything sent to the right places at the right times. Obviously it depends on the stage of her dementia but I don't think it's unreasonable for ex to talk to her about it. Also to check if the cheque has been lost in the post, in which case someone needs to make sure it's stopped at he bank.

If that wasn't possible, I'd either match it myself, ask Ex to do it or do it between us, depending on how much £30 is to each of us.

[JaceLancs]

It was £30
I will suggest they split it if another card doesn't arrive within next week or so - am sure DD will not object
If it was my family I would contact and explain situation tactfully
In past my sister sent cheque for a birthday which was not received and we just assumed she'd forgotten or decided not to gift so didn't mention - until she rang a few weeks later asking why if had not been cashed
My brother forgot to post me a card as well, then found it in his car weeks later when cleaning it
Re the dementia - it does fluctuate, when more with it she would be very upset to think she had forgotten DS and I would not wish to cause her distress
I would expect my exh to deal with it tactfully when he next sees her if and when he judged it appropriate

[SugarPlumTree]

Yes absolutely cash the cheque. My Mum has Dememtia and asked for me to arrange to give my DC some money this Christmas. I have run it by my Brother who is joint Attorney but under the rules for holding POA there is provision fir the Attorney to make gifts in accordance to the pattern the person set previously.

I would split or make up myself depending on amount.

[Olivo]

Oh, and this year Dc1 was delighted, when, having offered to share, a second cheque arrived for Dc2

[YonicSleighdriver]

"How sad this lady has dementure.

What help does she need/you give her? "

She is the mother of OP's ex-p. OP is not in touch with her. It is ex-p's responsibility to take his children to see his mother

Agree to split it or maybe use the money to buy something they'd both like (a board game?)

[skylark2]

Wouldn't she have put them in the same envelope if she'd sent to both?

Is DD older? My suspicion would be that the dementia is at work here and she either meant to write both cheques and forgot or has forgotten her second GC :(

[Olivo]

I have the same thing from an aunt who often forgets one birthday that is just after the other. We either split the amount or add it into the Other bank account ourselves.

[MrsMaker83]

Why are people diving in head first suggesting not accepting the money?

I have a relative with dementia and she is capable of sending xmas presents. Unless it was a ridiculous amount (which i imagine the op would have already mentioned if so) i really don't understand why people are commenting about this?

The OP is asking for advice re splitting money, not remarks about whether the person none of you actually know is capable of making decisions about sending gifts.

Op - i would encourage the children to share, its the kindest and fairest way.

[LizzieMint]

One of my relatives always sends money to my children but often forgets the last birthday in the year, which happens to be my DSs. It's a few days after my DDs, and she usually gets a £20 note in a card so if one doesn't arrive for DS, I just pretend it has and give him £20 myself. How much was the cheque for? Can you just match it yourself?

[waithorse]

What Flange said, exactly that. Poor lady isn't allowed to send dgc a Christmas present because she has dementia.

[Flangeshrub]

How patronising! Just because someone has a dementia diagnosis it doesn't mean they do not have capacity to make decisions about their finances. It can take 5 years plus before they need someone to make financial decisions on their behalf. The clients I work with would be devastated if their Christmas present wasn't cashed because of fears they didn't know what they were doing.

Split it.

[LePetitMarseillais]

Split without a doubt,had similar situations.

She may have intended that anyway but forgot to make it clear.

[attheendoftheday]

Dementia is not an all or nothing thing, people can have it to a greater or lesser extent. You certainly don't loose capacity to decide to send a cheque to your grandchildren on diagnosis!

I think it's fine to cash the cheque, and splitting seems a good idea.

[Floggingmolly]

How exactly do you propose that your ex "intervene"???

[itiswhatitiswhatitis]

I hardly think a Christmas card with a cheque in it too grandchildren warrants suggesting that this woman is being ripped off. People with dementia don't lose all capacity overnight and are still capable of wanting to send their grandchildren gifts in the early/moderate stages.

[Dancingincircles]

But I guess your exdh is doing that so no idea why I thought to mention it, sorry

[mrsfuzzy]

i agree with piper on the one hand, but i wouldn't split the money, as it could cause resentment, what are the ages of the dc and the amount? for the long short if is is a smallish amount would it be possible to give you ds the same amount ? but he sounds quite mature to to be too bothered about it any way, so good for him.

[Dancingincircles]

I wouldn't cash the cheque if she has dementia and I would probably take my DCs to go and visit her more often if her dementia is getting worse as she clearly wants to keep in touch with her grandchildren.

[Theboodythatrocked]

How sad this lady has dementure.

What help does she need/you give her?

Personally I wouldn't dream of taking money from someone with dementure as they are incapable of judgment.

Who helps her? Who is making sure she isn't being taken advantage of?

[Theas18]

If it's up to £10-20 I'd match it with the same for dS and just not even refer to it.

If it's more like £50-100 not cashing it seems the right thing.

I can't think of an amount that sharing it would enter my head ..

[PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange]

I really don't think you should cash the cheque at all. I think a lady with dementia does not know what she is doing.

My nan has dementia and apart from cards I would never take moniarty gifts from her, as she would forget and think she has been robbed.

[itiswhatitiswhatitis]

yes I would insist it was shared and say that should any further cheques arrive that too will be shared