Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

moving in together when you both have DC?

38 replies

christmaspuddingoverload · 27/12/2014 16:14

Aibu to wonder how people manage unless you live in enormous houses?

We've been talking about it. Due to age/ sex our DC will all need their own rooms. We can just about manage to do that here if we use the study, but it's tiny which feels little unfair to the DC who will end up with it as a bedroom!

As to how we will combine 2 houses worth of possessions....Shock

OP posts:
1981 · 27/12/2014 16:21

Due to age/ sex our DC will all need their own rooms.

Are you sure you aren't confusing NEED with "want" or "prefer"?

We can just about manage to do that here if we use the study, but it's tiny which feels little unfair to the DC who will end up with it as a bedroom!

So you do have space. Frankly no one I know has room to turn a study into a bedroom, so you're already living with more space than any of my peers. A tiny room never killed anyone. In fact, many of my friends had to share a room until they moved out - one of my best childhood friends was one of 4 girls, and they had 2 bunk beds (so, 4 in one room).

No ideal, but either you earn more and buy a bigger place or make do.

marioluigi · 27/12/2014 16:51

I lived in a 4 bed (3dc and me) he lived in a 2 bed (him and 2dc eow). They moved in with us, turning one of my living rooms into a pretty cool weekend bedroom for his 2 , but still a functioning second living room. Yes mine have their own rooms, his don't, but it works just fine.

Original poster
christmaspuddingoverload · 27/12/2014 16:55

None of them have ever shared a room before, we are trying to make blending our families as easy on them as it can be I and I think it wouldn't be fair to force them to share now, plus the age gaps are such it wouldn't really work. I understand many children share with several siblings but ours never have and I think would find that plus the other upheaval really hard.

Study is rather a grand name for what is a tiny 6x5 box room, it's basically just a home for my pc, printer and assorted paperwork as well as other junk. It is tiny and I don't know how it would work as a bedroom.

I can't move til my youngest is 18, not that we could afford anywhere bigger than this locally anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
christmaspuddingoverload · 27/12/2014 16:59

His DC will be here 5 nights out of every 14 so will need their own rooms, and are different sexes so can't share.

OP posts:
Purplepoodle · 27/12/2014 17:00

Do you both have yours dc full time?

1981 · 27/12/2014 17:02

are different sexes so can't share

Is this a black/white thing now?

Both me and DH shared with other-gender siblings whilst growing up. I'm not saying we were teenagers or anything but it's not a case of "can't", as such, as it's "not ideal" or "not encouraged these days", surely? My DH and I turned out normal - neither of us liked it Grin but if space is limited?

mytartanscarf · 27/12/2014 17:04

I think insisting children share rooms, either with their own sibling or a step sibling - when they haven't before - is selfish and puts the parents' desire for a new relationship over the wellbeing of the child.

So I think the OP is perfectly reasonable to hesitate over this.

Original poster
christmaspuddingoverload · 27/12/2014 17:04

Mine are here 12 nights out of 14, his 5/14 as mentioned but that might increase to 6/7 in the next couple of years.

OP posts:
Artandco · 27/12/2014 17:08

The age gap can't be that bad surely? If yours are under 18 and assume his aren't newborn.

As far as I know there's only x2 possible genders also..!

So in x3 bed house, girls in one, boys in one, you and partner in other. Any small child under 4 years shares bedroom with you and partner.

Any extra bedroom bedrooms a bonus.

The study room keep as study so any older child not sleeping can use in evenings with laptop.

KentExpecting · 27/12/2014 17:11

This means that the box room only gets used as a bedroom 5 nights out of 14. That's fine! It's hard if it's every night, but I wouldn't worry about the DC 'being treated unfairly' if it's only a third of the time! Make sure the room goes to whichever child has the bigger room at their resident parents' or something like that...

Re: combining belongings. Buy lots of bin liners and be very, very strict with yourself. You need to get rid of stuff.

marioluigi · 27/12/2014 17:12

I agree with the not sharing actually. Mine all had their own rooms and we could fit his in (eow and sharing, like they do at their mum's). No way would I have made mine double up or lose their bedroom so I can definitely see where you're coming from if that's the case.

Artandco · 27/12/2014 17:23

ok this makes me feel super shit now. We only have one bedroom so dh,I and x2 children share. We aren't even mixing families or adding extras, it works well, we all like it, and no other option anyway.

Yet people have this ' oh I couldn't possibly let my child share breathing space with another person attitude'. ' what suffering that would cause'. ' poor children'.

mytartanscarf · 27/12/2014 17:27

There is a huge difference, Art in what your children have always been used to and having a situation suddenly sprung on them especially when it comes hand-in-hand with a major upheaval (which a parent moving in with somebody who is not the child's parent is.)

Divorce and step parenting are VERY common now and that's fine - but something happening regularly doesn't mean it isn't traumatic.

This isn't about sharing bedrooms - it's about a situation that's already difficult being made worse (from the child's perspective.)

marioluigi · 27/12/2014 17:27

Sorry if that offended - my point was changing what was already in place - I didn't want to do that.

Islander79 · 27/12/2014 17:36

My DP and I are moving in together next week and decided when looking for a place (renting) to pay the extra couple of hundred a month (!) for a 4 bed place to make sure all our DC have their own rooms. And they're all boys!

We will not have much money to do a lot outside the home but we wanted his boys, who are with us half time, to feel they had equal status with my son, who is here full time. And he has ASD and his room is a sensory room, so not ideal to share as full of equipment and not many toys!

I get that if you own it must be much harder to make that kind of decision. And we may regret the financial commitment later but especially at the beginning it just seems the best idea.

(Disclaimer - didn't have my own room as a kid until my brother moved out when I was a teenager. Don't think it is an inalienable right or anything, but DO think it will help manage any difficulties 'blending' if everyone has their own space...)

wannabestressfree · 27/12/2014 17:50

Art I think it's fair to say your circumstances are fairly unusual and aren't exactly sustainable. You won't be able to do it with teens.

Original poster
christmaspuddingoverload · 27/12/2014 18:21

I totally don't mean this as a dig at people whose DC share rooms. I appreciate we're in a fortunate position - my parents both shared rooms (and beds) with siblings until adulthood. I know several families where DC very happily share rooms - but as has been said, this isn't a situation our DC have always been in with siblings they've always known.

The age range of DC is 4-17, so pretty wide. We will have to put the youngest in the smallest room but will redecorate etc to try and make it feel less like a junk room. Both DC have quite large double rooms at their dads and their mums, I'm just very aware my box room is tiny.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 27/12/2014 20:18

if you both had own place/rent then surely the combined income/rent will be enough to get a bigger place?

agree not ideal to make children share but its life, but if you have a spare study then would let eldest have it on their own, may be small but they get privacy

Artandco · 28/12/2014 11:08

Wanna - well it may have to continue. We live in a very expensive area. To increase to x2 bed it's another £500+ a month which we don't really have spare. A 3 bed would be £1000+ more a month

PhaedraIsMyName · 28/12/2014 11:31

Is this a black/white thing now?

Yes. There are statutory definitions of overcrowding. Not sure of the English one but Scottish one is from an act of 1987 which itself was a renewal of earlier legislation. 2 children of opposite sex should not be sharing unless 1 or both are under 10.

clam · 28/12/2014 11:39

I thought that was for adopted/fostered children?

My kids have had their own rooms since they were around 5 or 6, but they still sometimes choose to share (Christmas Eve for instance, so they can open their stockings together - they're now 16 and 18 Blush ). They also share on holidays. Is that not OK? not that I care, to be honest.

clam · 28/12/2014 11:40

Different sexes too, I ought to add.

clam · 28/12/2014 11:43

"2 children of opposite sex should not be sharing unless 1 or both are under 10."
Actually, isn't the key word there, "should?" Meaning that's advisory, rather than a compulsory edict? And how could it possibly be legally enforced, in homes all around the country, which are simply not big enough for the families occupying them?

PhaedraIsMyName · 28/12/2014 11:45

No it's not just for adopted/ fostered children. Of course short term holiday accommodation doesn't count.

It's not clear to me whether OP owns or rents. If she rents and this combined household makes the house overcrowded she will be breaching the tenancy agreement as well as overcrowding rules. Ultimately landlord could end the tenancy.

SoonToBeSix · 28/12/2014 11:46

Op you are way over thinking this. Sharing can be good for dc's it teaches them valuable skills for life, to compromise and not be selfish.
Also a box room for a four year old I fail to understand the issue?