moving in together when you both have DC?

[christmaspuddingoverload]

Aibu to wonder how people manage unless you live in enormous houses?

We've been talking about it. Due to age/ sex our DC will all need their own rooms. We can just about manage to do that here if we use the study, but it's tiny which feels little unfair to the DC who will end up with it as a bedroom!

As to how we will combine 2 houses worth of possessions....

[wannabestressfree]

I have been with my partner five years and we still live apart due to having five children between us 21,19,17,13,10 (4 boys and a girl) and not having enough space or money to buy a large house :(. If you can make it work good luck to you. We just can't seem to do it.

[shadowdancer]

When I was about 9 my parents made two small bedrooms into 3 tiny ones so that my brother and I could have one each and although there was not much space we loved having space which was our own. I think you could make a really fab room for the wee one, what is he in to? A little room could still be a really cool pirate hideout/lego den/space ship, a bit of imagination (I mean Google) and he won't feel like he's got the raw deal!

[skylark2]

Can you get a high bed in the tiny room? It's a good way to maximise space, especially the ones which have a desk and chair underneath rather than piles of storage space (which a child only there for a few days a month probably won't need).

[JeanSeberg]

Can you not just continue to enjoy things as they are? I can't see any benefit to the kids in the proposed new set up.

[saoirse31]

I tend to feel sorry for children in these situations tbh. .. I wouldn't like someone I might not particularly like moving into my home and bringing their family too- but kids are just supposed to put up with it.

but for op, definitely do use spare room so they each habe own room.

[christmaspuddingoverload]

Just to explain re youngest - I know fussing over putting a 4yo in a tiny bedroom may seem odd, but he is used to a fairly large double room of his own at both his parents houses currently. We don't want him to feel shortchanged by us moving in together and ending up with by far the smallest room. Hopefully doing it all out for him will make it seem cooler than a bigger room, or at least no worse.

[christmaspuddingoverload]

We do have enough rooms (if we use the tiny box room) to give all DC their own rooms. I was worried about using that room because it I so much smaller, but I think we will just have to be creative and maybe build a cabin type bed with storage to make the most of the space available. Once the eldest leaves home (although I suspect that wont be for 5-7 years at least!) we can always give the youngest a bigger room, which would work well.

[Sonoma]

What mytartanscarf said. People who are up in arms - totally different situation with siblings or children who have grown up together. I think OP is right to be cautious.

[Madmum24]

Personally, I'd wait until the older ones have found homes of their own so that there will be enough rooms for everyone that lives with you. The only reason to hurry is to make things nicer for the parents, but if that's not going to make things more difficult for the children, then it would be selfish.

^This

[WooWooOwl]

It's weird that people are banging on about your dc sharing when you've already said it won't work for your family.

I agree with you, I'd never make children share rooms in your situation. If it was likely to cause even a little bit of resentment, then it shouldn't be done. This is the parents relationship, and the feelings of children aren't so worthless and disposable that they should be dismissed just so that the parents get what they want (not need).

Personally, I'd wait until the older ones have found homes of their own so that there will be enough rooms for everyone that lives with you. The only reason to hurry is to make things nicer for the parents, but if that's not going to make things more difficult for the children, then it would be selfish.

[erin99]

Put the youngest in together. By the time they "need" their own rooms, the oldest is likely to be moving out. Ifthat doesn't happen, same sex teens may have to share, which is not ideal, or you might be able to look at dividing the master bedroom into 2 smaller ones and you and DP taking the second room or something.

In large families DC aren't guaranteed their own room, it's not always ideal but you do the best you can. What works best now (eg sibling pairs sharing) might be different from a couple of years down the line, when the family dynamic is different and 2 teen stepsisters sharing might be perfectly ok. Just sort out the best solution for now and be prepared to adapt. My mum was one of 4 with one big bedroom and a boxroom. They took turns with the boxroom. My friend is one of 4 boys and they ended up with the oldest and youngest sharing, and the middle 2 together. That worked much better than the typical thing of splitting them by age, so don't get too hung up on the age difference.

[PhaedraIsMyName]

It is not enforced as such in the owner occupied sector although over crowding might be taken in to account as part of general welfare issues. In the public rented sector it may justify rehousing. In the private sector there is an obligation on landlords not to allow a house to be overcrowded. If it is the tenant who is causing it (rather than landlord packing too many people in) landlord may well decide to end the tenancy.

"Sharing" is not always a good thing.

<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&ei=pfCfVLmeJ8y8UYKmgLAL&url=dera.ioe.ac.uk/5073/1/138631.pdf&ved=0CCoQFjAD&usg=AFQjCNEydL2mNlkvt9xY3JnS1ALFMFd_EQ&sig2=EgX6qvda6revEFtxinkRFw" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&ei=pfCfVLmeJ8y8UYKmgLAL&url=dera.ioe.ac.uk/5073/1/138631.pdf&ved=0CCoQFjAD&usg=AFQjCNEydL2mNlkvt9xY3JnS1ALFMFd_EQ&sig2=EgX6qvda6revEFtxinkRFw

[Madmum24]

The "shouldn't be sharing" is a guideline, but used as a rule for assessing and ascertaining no. of bedrooms needed by LA when awarding housing benefit.

OP I think you are very wise to be wary in this scenario. This is completely different from siblings who have always shared. Some of mine share, but I would not want to even consider them sharing in a blended scenario flashbacks of my own childhood blended family

How do the children feel about this? Have they been consulted?

[SoonToBeSix]

Op you are way over thinking this. Sharing can be good for dc's it teaches them valuable skills for life, to compromise and not be selfish.
Also a box room for a four year old I fail to understand the issue?

[PhaedraIsMyName]

No it's not just for adopted/ fostered children. Of course short term holiday accommodation doesn't count.

It's not clear to me whether OP owns or rents. If she rents and this combined household makes the house overcrowded she will be breaching the tenancy agreement as well as overcrowding rules. Ultimately landlord could end the tenancy.

[clam]

"2 children of opposite sex should not be sharing unless 1 or both are under 10."
Actually, isn't the key word there, "should?" Meaning that's advisory, rather than a compulsory edict? And how could it possibly be legally enforced, in homes all around the country, which are simply not big enough for the families occupying them?

[clam]

Different sexes too, I ought to add.

[clam]

I thought that was for adopted/fostered children?

My kids have had their own rooms since they were around 5 or 6, but they still sometimes choose to share (Christmas Eve for instance, so they can open their stockings together - they're now 16 and 18 ). They also share on holidays. Is that not OK? not that I care, to be honest.

[PhaedraIsMyName]

Is this a black/white thing now?

Yes. There are statutory definitions of overcrowding. Not sure of the English one but Scottish one is from an act of 1987 which itself was a renewal of earlier legislation. 2 children of opposite sex should not be sharing unless 1 or both are under 10.

[Artandco]

Wanna - well it may have to continue. We live in a very expensive area. To increase to x2 bed it's another £500+ a month which we don't really have spare. A 3 bed would be £1000+ more a month

[Blondeshavemorefun]

if you both had own place/rent then surely the combined income/rent will be enough to get a bigger place?

agree not ideal to make children share but its life, but if you have a spare study then would let eldest have it on their own, may be small but they get privacy

[christmaspuddingoverload]

I totally don't mean this as a dig at people whose DC share rooms. I appreciate we're in a fortunate position - my parents both shared rooms (and beds) with siblings until adulthood. I know several families where DC very happily share rooms - but as has been said, this isn't a situation our DC have always been in with siblings they've always known.

The age range of DC is 4-17, so pretty wide. We will have to put the youngest in the smallest room but will redecorate etc to try and make it feel less like a junk room. Both DC have quite large double rooms at their dads and their mums, I'm just very aware my box room is tiny.

[wannabestressfree]

Art I think it's fair to say your circumstances are fairly unusual and aren't exactly sustainable. You won't be able to do it with teens.

[Islander79]

My DP and I are moving in together next week and decided when looking for a place (renting) to pay the extra couple of hundred a month (!) for a 4 bed place to make sure all our DC have their own rooms. And they're all boys!

We will not have much money to do a lot outside the home but we wanted his boys, who are with us half time, to feel they had equal status with my son, who is here full time. And he has ASD and his room is a sensory room, so not ideal to share as full of equipment and not many toys!

I get that if you own it must be much harder to make that kind of decision. And we may regret the financial commitment later but especially at the beginning it just seems the best idea.

(Disclaimer - didn't have my own room as a kid until my brother moved out when I was a teenager. Don't think it is an inalienable right or anything, but DO think it will help manage any difficulties 'blending' if everyone has their own space...)

[marioluigi]

Sorry if that offended - my point was changing what was already in place - I didn't want to do that.