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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To put someone else's child in time out?

58 replies

Allisgood1 · 26/12/2014 23:21

Hypothetical question.

Dd1 (6) is having a sleepover tomorrow night. Only 3 kids plus her and only 2 of those actually staying the night.

One of the children is...lets just say spirited. When I had her to stay in the summer she literally destroyed my house. I caught her throwing toys out of drawers all over the playroom, emptying dd wardrobe and dresser, and rolling all the toilet roll on the floor. She also opened the front door and left the house around 8am with dd in tow (DH luckily saw this and brought them back in).

Call me crazy but we've invite her to said sleepover as that was 6 months ago (and kids mature, right?!). Anyway, my plan tomorrow eve is to sit all kids down and tell them the "rules", I.e. "Don't destroy my house". Strike 1 will be time out and strike 2 is you're going home.

AIBU or is that fair enough?

OP posts:

FATEdestiny · 26/12/2014 23:24

You are substitute parent so yes, you use time out.

lemisscared · 26/12/2014 23:25

good luck with that

IWannaHoldYourHand · 26/12/2014 23:26

I've never given either of my DC a time out, so on that basis I'd be irritated.

Did you speak to her parents about her behaviour?

Only1scoop · 26/12/2014 23:28

I've never had to use time out so dd wouldn't have a clue. Presuming the challenging dc is used to that.... maybe lay down the rules.

Think I'd just cancel

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 26/12/2014 23:29

Good luck.

IWannaHoldYourHand · 26/12/2014 23:29

I forgot to add...

If you don't tell the childs parents then YABU, if you do and they agree, then YANBU.

AliMonkey · 26/12/2014 23:30

Your house your rules - but when they have friends over and tend to be over excited I am a little more generous before I wade in with appropriate telling off. But would not put up with any of the behaviour you describe above.

Floralnomad · 26/12/2014 23:31

I wouldn't , I'd just tell them upfront that any bad behaviour and you call the parents to collect them. I would also tell the parents that that is what you intend to do .

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 26/12/2014 23:32

I don't do 'time out' as I don't agree with it really, but if I had a child that feral and you were prepared to have them sleep over you'd get a medal, wine, chocolate pretty much free run at doing whatever you would do with your is, bar beating them/locking in the under stair cupboard type stuff.

Original poster

Allisgood1 · 26/12/2014 23:32

I will be informing all parents at drop off. Having them at 5 and putting them to bed at 9:30 or so. I know I'm crazy. I wish I could cancel!

OP posts:

WhirlyTwirlySnowflakes · 26/12/2014 23:37

We don't do time out with our kids so they would see sitting somewhere for 6 (?) minute as a big deal.

On the other hand they wouldn't misbehave at someone else's house.

If the child has firm for misbehaviour I'd am warn that they'd get one chance and then their parents would be called - and I'd stick to it.

I'd warn the parent that that's what would happen too.

Other people's children don't behave badly in my house, I quash all cheekiness/bad behaviour at the very first sign and they all tend to fall in line.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 26/12/2014 23:38

Hasn't DD been throwing up?

I fail to see how/why parents would be offended by you disciplining their children while they're in your care. Any of those patents could feel free nit to leave their children in my care... Also explains the behaviour of some children these days.

WorraLiberty · 26/12/2014 23:55

Of course that's fair enough.

But you should also be supervising so the room wrecking and escaping cant happen.

Obviously you've read your own DD the riot act regarding leaving the house again too?

If so, hopefully it will go better this time.

I still think it's a very young age for a sleepover though, but maybe that's because I didn't start sleeping over at my friend's house until I was about 10yrs old.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 26/12/2014 23:59

I would't do time out with someone else's child.
But I would tell them the house rules, and tell them breaking the rules means getting dropped home go their parents.

RonaldMcDonald · 27/12/2014 00:07

i think and have always thought that 'time out' in its usual form is
balls

if necessary give her the time she needs to regain her composure..do that whilst you are in the same room for containment
make it clear that you would like to understand what is going on with her

perhaps consider a diary where you look at all the things that piss you off and get her to do the same in some form
you can learn a lot for this and so might she
use 'i feel' o 'was wondering' language...when discussing

callamia · 27/12/2014 00:08

I think there's a difference between calming down time and 'time-out' as punishment. I'd be fine with some calm down time out, perhaps for all the children, but time-out as punishment might be a bit weird.

If another parent told me this at the point of drop-off, I'd be a bit . But I'd also hope that is done a decent enough job on my own child so that they wouldn't get themselves into trouble (please note: my child is too young for sleepovers. I may be naive). I remember being told to pipe fine at sleepovers as a child - I assume I was a bit giggly and loud at 2am... but a quick reminder to shush was sufficient for us.

DeWee · 27/12/2014 00:46

I think you sound a bit formal sitting them down and telling them this.

One of mine at that age (who would have been absolutely fine behaviour) would probably have burst into tears at the thought of being in trouble and insisted on going home if this had been done to her. That would have been a good start!

One warning then you're home sounds fine, but I wouldn't sit them down and tell them that as such. Firstly some children will then see if you mean it. So you're actually inviting them to see what they can do, and secondly you can't list all the possible things a 6yo might think up, so they may say "but you didn't say we couldn't do...." And also because 6yos are terrible tell tales, and you could be in the position of constant "A isn't playing nicely... are you going to send them home" type comments.

And the last thing is that my reaction to the pulling stuff out wouldn't have been "literally destroying my home" because it isn't. It would have been, "right you have 10 minutes to tidy it up before I phone your mum and ask her to pick you up" the first time.
Plus She also opened the front door and left the house around 8am with dd in tow I would assume your dd was at least complicit in this, and if it was my dc I would have regarded my dd as more guilty because they would know that I didn't allow this, whereas their dc may well be allowed round to the neighbours etc.

MokunMokun · 27/12/2014 01:59

I think you need to watch them more carefully

passthedouche · 27/12/2014 02:48

I wouldn't be leaving my DC at that age for a sleepover, and certainly not with someone who would put them in time-out! I think all you can do is be with them and play with them - if the rowdy kid is getting out of hand then steer the play into a different direction so they aren't singled out and made to feel bad. They are bound to be excited and a little nutty. If, however, her behaviour is upsetting the others and you just can't make it work, then I would call her parents and tell them it really isn't working out and X is struggling. They are way too young though imo.

saoirse31 · 27/12/2014 03:16

seems unnecessarily young for sleepovers. timeouts r weird anyway. supervise properly and you'll have no problens

CheerfulYank · 27/12/2014 03:35

Sounds fair to me.

GingerbreadPudding · 27/12/2014 05:54

I think it sounds fine - she will be used to some form of time out at school even if it's not done at home. I'm a bit worried about how two of them could just wander outside without being noticed and also how she could have done all that without being noticed - maybe your children don't need much watching but most 6 year olds do.

Ijustdontknowwhattodowithmysel · 27/12/2014 06:13

For the people that don't agree with time outs or NAIGHTY steps, what do you do instead? we have a friend who NEVER disciplines her child and she is fucking horrible and keeps hitting mine. Have just decided not to see as mine eventually lashes back and I then put her on the naighty step and she is then MASSIVELY confused "but heidi never got told off" etc

zzzzz · 27/12/2014 06:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mehitabel6 · 27/12/2014 06:56

I wouldn't do time out. I would sit them down at the start and tell them the rules. Say that you expect them to be kept. You will give one warning if they are broken and the second time you will phone the parents to take them home. Carry through. Warn the parents that it might well happen as they drop off. (I would just refuse to have her for a sleepover!)

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