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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put someone else's child in time out?

58 replies

Allisgood1 · 26/12/2014 23:21

Hypothetical question.

Dd1 (6) is having a sleepover tomorrow night. Only 3 kids plus her and only 2 of those actually staying the night.

One of the children is...lets just say spirited. When I had her to stay in the summer she literally destroyed my house. I caught her throwing toys out of drawers all over the playroom, emptying dd wardrobe and dresser, and rolling all the toilet roll on the floor. She also opened the front door and left the house around 8am with dd in tow (DH luckily saw this and brought them back in).

Call me crazy but we've invite her to said sleepover as that was 6 months ago (and kids mature, right?!). Anyway, my plan tomorrow eve is to sit all kids down and tell them the "rules", I.e. "Don't destroy my house". Strike 1 will be time out and strike 2 is you're going home.

AIBU or is that fair enough?

OP posts:
WhirlyTwirlySnowflakes · 27/12/2014 09:40

Ijustdon'tknow not doing time out doesn't equal 'never disciplines children'!!

My kids are generally considered to be very well behaved and we've never done time out, naughty step or sticker charts which are all fairly recent parenting innovations.

We have clear rules and expectations of behaviour from our children. If they misbehave there are are consequences. My husband and I are consistent in how we apply discipline.

We never threaten a consequence we aren't prepared to carry out and the children know that consequences will be put in action if they step out of line.

I don't shout very often but I am considered by my friends to be pretty strict. Both our DC have fairly strong personalities, if we hadn't been consistently firm with them they'd be very difficult now I think.

WhirlyTwirlySnowflakes · 27/12/2014 09:42

Gingerbread not all school use time out - ours doesn't.

FunkyBoldRibena · 27/12/2014 09:42

I give visiting kids the rules at the start. Any rules broken and the party ends there. It's their choice.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/12/2014 09:48

Your mad inviting her, she does not sound like she has had much discipline, I would expect an nt 6 year old not to do things like that, even ds nearly 3 Is learning not to touch certain things and not to break, he is put on the sad face (laminated picture of a sad face) for 2 mins. My dd who is 7 and has ASD and dev delays would not behave like that! Yes speak to her parents, Mabey if it's too much invite her for tea instead.

makapakasdirtysponge · 27/12/2014 09:49

I disagree with time outs/naughty step and wouldn't use them as punishment for my own DC. I would be annoyed to find out another adult had done it without my knowledge.

I think it will also be meaningless and very difficult to execute on a child who is not familiar with the time out system so from that point of view YABU.

I was a v well behaved child and my parents never used time out on me. There are other (I would say better) ways of discipline.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/12/2014 09:50

Tgat a a good idea mehitable, set the rules at the beginning, if tgey are broken call the girls parents to collect her, infòrm them beforehand of this so they will be available!

SavoyCabbage · 27/12/2014 11:02

I'm generally quite strict but I wouldn't put a child on a sleepover in time out.

Plan some fun activities to keep them too busy to get up to mischief.

MrsTawdry · 27/12/2014 11:38

Why have a sleepover for such young children at all? And at this time of year especially...they're mostly over-tired by all the excitement anyway! If you don't like the way this child behaves then you're foolish for asking her and as for "strike one" and all that...sounds twattish to me. If you spoke to my child like that I'd be unhappy.

6 is too young.

Original poster
Allisgood1 · 27/12/2014 12:18

I think actually instead of timeout I can do "you have 10 minutes to clean this up....by yourself" to whomever destroyed things.

Just to clarify:

-we know all children and their parents very very well. They've all been round before (although only once for disaster child).

-we caught previous child "in the act" before on all occasions. DH caught them just as they had walked out the door. We do keep a v close eye when this child is round because we know what she's like. She does similar in her home and she does NOT get away with it. Her dad most definitely punishes her (have seen this), not sure about her mum but pretty sure they don't let her get away with it.

-all the kids coming have spent the night here at least once before

-perhaps I shouldn't have invited spirited child but she is actually a very spunky little girl who brings my very shy one out of her shell, and mostly not in a naughty way.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 27/12/2014 14:23

MrsT what the hell is wrong with one strike and your out, perfectly reasonable to me, she is 6 not 16 months and at school. I am sure they won't let her do all that at school.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/12/2014 14:24

No I woukd not invite a child who behaved like tgat for a sleepover, Mabey in the afternoon for tea woukd be great. And plan a few activities to keep them occupied.

wobblyweebles · 27/12/2014 14:30

I would discipline her in whatever ways you discipline your own child.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/12/2014 15:00

Yes what is wrong with just sitting them down somewhere to calm down, your not spanking them! I would have got her to help tidy up!

Chandon · 27/12/2014 15:03

I don't punish other people's children, it can really backfire when the child tells their parents an embellished version of being "punished"

How well do you know the parents?

APlaceInTheWinter · 27/12/2014 15:25

I wouldn't use time out and I also wouldn't make the DC tidy up by herself. If the room is messy then I get all the DCs to tidy up together as although one can be messier than another, I think generally they get overexcited and can be encouraged on to greater naughtiness by each other so it's shared responsibility unless one child throws a toy (after repeated tellings not to throw stuff) and manages to break a musical instrument in which case I hold them personally responsible and send them home

Original poster
Allisgood1 · 27/12/2014 15:27

We are friends with the parents. I'm friendly enough to tell them what I'm going to do. But I've decided time out isn't the right thing, tidy up on her own (I didn't do that last time, they tidied together which created more silliness) will have more of a consequence. I'm planning to rent a movie on iTunes anyway and have them coming late (tea time) so there is purposely not a lot of disaster making time!

OP posts:
Original poster
Allisgood1 · 27/12/2014 15:28

Oh! And there is no sugar or sugar related products in their "midnight feast" Smile

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 27/12/2014 15:31

Yes that's a good idea, you sound like you know the parents well, yes I would tell them how you will discipline their dd if she does misbehave, beforehand. Yes you do have to punish, if you see them doing something bad. Back in the day, when you went round to kids houses to play, parents would punish you if you misbehaved, it does not matter that you are not their child, you did something wrong. None of this mollycoddling. Let the parents know that you will discipline, if it gets too out of hand, you will call them to collect her.

Purplepoodle · 27/12/2014 15:40

Ok she was naughty but wasn't anything that can't be put right. Explain rules, if they pull stuff out again then make them tidy up and they have to stay in sitting room where you can keep a close eye. At time there's nothing dafter than a few 6 year old together.

overmydeadbody · 27/12/2014 15:49

Your house your rules I say.

I have no problem with dealing with any child's misbehaviour, and I tell all childrne the rules before hand. Nothing wrong with that.

Children like boundaries, I think you are right to tell them all the boundaries from the start.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/12/2014 18:22

I agree over, at 6 they are old enough to understand. If you have a child over, the parents have to understand that they are loco parentis and trust the parents with their judgements, including discipline, if they are precious about it, don't have your child over at others houses.

Aeroflotgirl · 27/12/2014 18:23

Yes there is nothing wrong with making a child clean up their mess, actions have consequences, espacially if you have seen that child make that mess, too right they clean it up on their own with you supervising.

BertieBotts · 27/12/2014 18:31

I'm totally with DeWee here.

TBH I wouldn't even make a big deal of "You have to clean up by yourself!" - just get them all to clean it up together unless you specifically saw that child doing it.

Don't complicate it by thinking up set punishments and schemes and rules, just supervise and deal with whatever comes up.

There's a difference between boundaries (good) and endless sets of rules (a challenge to a spirited 6yo).

TooHasty · 27/12/2014 18:42

'She also opened the front door and left the house around 8am with dd in tow '

so both of them left the house and it is the other girls fault because...

KnackeredMerrily · 27/12/2014 18:46

What's in a sugar free feast?

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