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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He won't get married

64 replies

windingbrook · 20/12/2014 22:45

DP is a widow, has two (adult) children, I have two children.

His late wife made him promise he'd never marry due to his children's inheritance (they were fairly young when she died)

Who do you think is U? I'd like to be married he will buy me a ring but it's not the same.

OP posts:

annielouisa · 20/12/2014 22:49

I don't know who is being U but I think you will struggle competing with a dead DW who wants to protect her DC.

Frogme · 20/12/2014 22:50

That was what concerned me when DH and I were writing our wills. I totally understand where she was coming from.

I think that if there is some way to legally protect "her half" of the assets they had together, for their children, then you may have a chance of persuading him to marry you, guilt free. I think you need legal advice to do that.

Good luck.

Fairenuff · 20/12/2014 22:53

Surely that can all be drawn up in his will. Has he taken legal advice?

Or do you think that he doesn't actually want to marry again?

Original poster

windingbrook · 20/12/2014 22:54

Annie she's been dead a long time now but I know what you mean.

He hasn't changed his will yet, keeps saying he will. No pun intended.

OP posts:

Silverdaisy · 20/12/2014 22:57

Ouch, this is difficult. She wanted to make sure her children would get security. Hope you don't mind me asking, but roughly how old are your children

Original poster

windingbrook · 20/12/2014 22:58

Both in their 30s.

OP posts:

CheeseBuster · 20/12/2014 23:01

I think YABU.

Silverdaisy · 20/12/2014 23:07

Thought you were going to say pre-school. Are you living together yet? If you are then what would happen if you broke up, would you be in a position to find some where else?

Original poster

windingbrook · 20/12/2014 23:11

We live in my house.

OP posts:

Calloh · 20/12/2014 23:14

I understand that this must be hard for you but I think YABU.

I worry about this too. If I die I want my husband to fall in love again and be happy but I worry that if his assets are mixed with his new partners then that may lead to a sharing of my children's inheritance from me (basically my life insurance money).

My husband gets my life insurance money as he will need it to help with child care costs etc. my life insurance is a significant amount of money. I think that should I die, and be unable to give my children all the support and love that I want to give them - then this is all that I have left to give them, if you see what I mean. Although it is left to him it is to be used for their benefit.

So if he buys a bigger house with this money for them but his new wife moves in and contributes to the house then she can expect some of it to be hers but then my children will perhaps lose out. But then it's not fair on her to not be able to have a share in a house's gain in value, and should my husband then die it's not fair on her if she has to move out, not fair on my children if she doesn't.

Is there anyway you can keep your assets entirely separate. Maybe live in one house but own another, one is yours one is his? Something like that?

titchy · 20/12/2014 23:15

So you both have adult children? You live in your house that you own? Don't get married then! If you died first he could claim you should have provided for him in your will which could mean your kids don't get all your house.

Calloh · 20/12/2014 23:15

Cross post. I see you live in your house. I don't quite see then how a marriage would effect his children?

Frogme · 20/12/2014 23:15

So have you expressly said to him that you are ok for her half to go to his children. What has he said? Have you discussed any options at all?

Silverdaisy · 20/12/2014 23:17

I seems like excuses then, sorry. Getting married is not everything, but it obviously you would like to marry him.

Original poster

windingbrook · 20/12/2014 23:17

I'm not sure about her half. She's been dead for over a decade - I don't think anything has been halved, so to speak. The assets he owns are property - small amount of cash relatively speaking but mostly property.

OP posts:

Frogme · 20/12/2014 23:21

If he has property then half of that should be his children's from his wife half. You could debate whether it is half the value now or half of what it was worth then, but I understand why he wants to protect his children's inheritance. It's a minefield. Legal advice is the only solution.

Original poster

windingbrook · 20/12/2014 23:27

But at the moment it's all his children's.

OP posts:

Frogme · 20/12/2014 23:40

You can't really blame him tbh. If he wants them to have it all then that's up to him. I like to think I'd do the same for my kids and would appreciate DH doing the same although I would understand if it was just my half he was protecting as I realise he does have to continue his own life and live the ways he wants to.
He lives with you. Perhaps he doesn't see any advantage to marriage, just complications.

Calloh · 20/12/2014 23:47

It may just be simpler to not marry? He loves you, he gives you a ring but legally you have no hold on each other's property.

I am assuming you do not want more children together?

I don't think pre-nups actually count for anything do they? Otherwise maybe you could get one drawn up to keep everything separate and that way he would still be honouring his dead wife's wishes.

SorchaN · 20/12/2014 23:48

A decent lawyer could sort out a will that would be fair to his late wife's wishes. But to be honest it sounds like an excuse to me, especially as he hasn't sorted out his will. I think you might need to ask a few searching questions.

SolidGoldBrass · 20/12/2014 23:52

Given that you have adult children and own a house, why are you so fussed about getting married? It's only really important to marry if you have (or want to have) babies and need to make yourself legally/financially secure.

maddening · 21/12/2014 00:21

Why doesn't he put the house he owns in trust for the dc, you protect your house for your dc by way of nuptials and get married with no concerns of your interest in the property (she can't have expected the cash to not be used for his life) any cash you have now and going forward belongs in your marriage and you together can get a buy to let to protect his property interests as your house is tied for your dc

Fanfeckintastic · 21/12/2014 01:11

Why would you get married?

JessieMcJessie · 21/12/2014 01:31

To those who ask "why would they get married?", here's a reason: if anything happens to OP's partner she will not be next of kin. We had this situation in my family in the most horrendous way- my Mum's partner of 8 years was killed in an accident (for which someone else was to blame, leading to a criminal trial) and the police and other authorities refused to give her any information at all, dealing only with his sisters, from whom he was estranged and who chose not to engage with her. (He had no kids of his own).

pinkr · 21/12/2014 06:57

Oh dear. I feel for you. My dad is in the same position. My mum passed about twelve years ago. He is adamant he'll never marry again. He lives with his partner. I'm sure she'd want to but he just won't andi know he'll never ever change his mind. You might just need to accept it.
For what it's worth he's told me if anything happens to him what I've to give her etc.

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