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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He won't get married

64 replies

windingbrook · 20/12/2014 22:45

DP is a widow, has two (adult) children, I have two children.

His late wife made him promise he'd never marry due to his children's inheritance (they were fairly young when she died)

Who do you think is U? I'd like to be married he will buy me a ring but it's not the same.

OP posts:

oswellkettleblack · 21/12/2014 12:15

The bottom line is he doesn't want to get married. :(.

Original poster

windingbrook · 21/12/2014 12:27

We haven't really talked about it other than him saying he promised his wife he wouldn't.

OP posts:

LostTeacher · 21/12/2014 12:31

I'm not sure he's being difficult.

My mum and her DP were going to get married and so she went to her solicitor about writing her will (her house is owned outright thanks to my late Father, who obviously asked that my mother made sure that my siblings and I inherit everything).

The solicitor said that technically he could draw something up allowing her DP to live in the house but not inherit it or some such, but that it was still possible for her DP to contest the will and the advice he gave to my mum was to not get married.

He said that was the only definite way to ensure that her DP had no claim on the house.

Izzy24 · 21/12/2014 13:16

I think those who say 'he just doesn't want to get married' underestimate how widowers left with young children can feel, even years afterwards. So very many different reasons for being reluctant to marry again and many of them all to do with the past and not the present or the future.

elephantspoo · 21/12/2014 13:45

OP - If DP made a promise to a previous partner, and you have no reason to believe he did not love and was sincere when she died, I see a clear obligation upon him to at least meet the moral implications of the his promise.

A compromise would be to effectively separate DSCs inheritances out at this time (trust funds etc.) so that the intent of the promise were followed. I don't see you as having a right to question or alter the baggage of his previous relationship.

Izzy24 · 21/12/2014 13:52

Of course she can talk to him about this.

Izzy24 · 21/12/2014 13:54

Sorry sent before finished:
Discussing it doesn't mean failing to respect the past .

Original poster

windingbrook · 21/12/2014 13:56

I don't want to question the past, it's just that it's an area of contention, that's all.

If he were to die I'd be entitled to nothing and I don't just mean money, finances, but just generally it would be like I never existed which is uncomfortable.

OP posts:

Izzy24 · 21/12/2014 14:04

Completely understand where you are coming from OP. Not an easy place to be.

WooWooOwl · 21/12/2014 14:25

If he wanted to get married to you then he would be looking into things so that he could marry you as well as protecting his dcs inheritance. I think you need to accept that he doesn't want to marry, and that's a perfectly valid choice.

It's quite common for widows and widowers to not want to marry again, despite having loving and committed relationships and I think that's completely understandable.

If your DP were to die, you will have whatever he chooses to leave you, isn't that enough?

Original poster

windingbrook · 21/12/2014 14:33

WooWoo I won't get left anything but it's nothing to do with the money. Just to say I was his wife.

OP posts:

VitalStollenFix · 21/12/2014 14:33

If he wanted to marry you, he would. If he promised his wife that he wouldn't marry in order that the children would inherit then that's so easily sorted. He can write a will leaving everything that is his alone from before you to them. you can assure him that you will not contest it. You can write a will leaving what is yours to whoever you want. Everything that you have acquired as a couple you can leave to each other or to whoever you want.

It seems to me that he is using this promise as an excuse because he does not want to marry you.

That's his right, but you have the right also to say that you are not willing to accept that and to end the relationship, if being married is non negotiable to you.

At the very least, you should ensure that what you have together is protected.

Izzy24 · 21/12/2014 15:05

Am now very happily married but it took a long time for DH to feel ok about this. The circumstances in which widows and widowers lose their loved ones can have very painful, complicated, long-lasting effects.

I don't see that OP's situation necessarily means her partner doesn't want to marry her at all.

WooWooOwl · 21/12/2014 15:12

That could be one of the reasons he doesn't want to get married unfortunately winding.

It could be that no matter how much he loves you, he still thinks of his wife as his wife and it's difficult for him to get his head round thinking of anyone else having that title in his life. Even though she died, he has still been referring to her and thinking of her as his wife in all the time that has passed since.

I might be totally off the mark because everyone's different, but I am a widow too and I don't feel like my husband stopped being my husband when he died. I might feel differently a decade or two down the line, but I might not, even if I do meet someone wonderful.

I don't mean to say anything upsetting, just trying to offer another perspective. You really need to talk to him to find out how he feels.

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