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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He won't get married

64 replies

windingbrook · 20/12/2014 22:45

DP is a widow, has two (adult) children, I have two children.

His late wife made him promise he'd never marry due to his children's inheritance (they were fairly young when she died)

Who do you think is U? I'd like to be married he will buy me a ring but it's not the same.

OP posts:

Slutbucket · 21/12/2014 07:03

Why get married? Because she wants to? Also as said earlier if for any reason he becomes incapacitated she will not be next of kin.

musicalendorphins2 · 21/12/2014 07:12

Why doesn't he give his adult kids the properties now?

pinkr · 21/12/2014 07:15

Because he'll want to live off the property in retirement perhaps. If his kids are married and they divorce etc his property would be counted as an asset that his children's partners could claim on

musicalendorphins2 · 21/12/2014 07:47

Oh hmmm. I see. When my mother married for the 3rd time, they had pre nups saying what was his was his, what was hers was hers, and in the case of him passing away, my mother could live in or rent out the house, (his house, she sold hers) but not sell it. They divorced in the end anyways, but she had told me when she married him that if he died, she would move out as it wouldn't be fair to his children. I am not in the UK, but it seems like it could be written in a way that would work?

BatteryPoweredHen · 21/12/2014 07:57

I say this frequently, there is no such concept as next of kin in the UK, married or not.

Purplepoodle · 21/12/2014 08:23

Could you both go and get legal advice together to see if there is anyway you can ring fence his current assets so they go to the children even if you marry?

FamiliesShareGerms · 21/12/2014 08:27

You can get legal advice to protect assets - eg putting them into trust

BalloonSlayer · 21/12/2014 08:27

I would suggest you draw up a will so that his DCs will get what's his and your DCs will get what's yours.

Of course if you die first he'll have to move out of your kids' house. . . but he can't have it all ways.

InternetFOREVER · 21/12/2014 08:29

Being married and inheritance aren't necessarily connected. Would you be happy to get married, but have his share of your joint property left to his children (with you having a life interest on it, so you could live in your house, etc, until your death?). As you have your own children I'd recommend that your will stated the same. If you'd be happy with this, and he isn't, is it definitely his promise to his wife that is stopping him from marrying you?

Fanfeckintastic · 21/12/2014 08:29

But he doesn't want to get married, that should be respected and if it's a deal breaker then OP can be free to find someone who does want to get married. It's a much better alternative than forcing him.

JessieMcJessie · 21/12/2014 08:30

Batterypoweredhen that is not quite right. There is no fixed legal definition of next of kin. However it is common for hospitals etc to ask people to nominate someone as their next of kin when they are admitted, in which case you can have anyone you want. However in the case of a sudden death or illness so incapacitating that the person cannot communicate their wishes (believe me because I have direct experience of this as explained above) public authorities will generally treat spouses and blood relatives with priority over cohabitees in terms of providing information and support. For the OP it may be fine as long as her DP's children confirm to the authorities that she is to be included; in my Mum's the problem arose because her DP's sisters chose to belittle their long relationship and preferred to exclude her, with tensions running very high due to the shock of the tragedy.

pinkr · 21/12/2014 08:36

All the putting hood half into trust etc stuff is nonsense though. It can be contested after death and as wife she can override the dc etc.

Happened to the mil...her dad left equal shares of the property to his new wife and his two children. The wife refused to move/sell and contested. Eventually she got to stay in the house. Ill feeling all round as her kids will inherit everything that should have come to mil

WannaBe · 21/12/2014 08:38

Utterly selfish to make someone promise to not marry again after your death. These are adult children, inheritance would not be a guarantee if she'd stayed alive but he can change his will in any event.

misskangaandroo2014 · 21/12/2014 09:28

You need to write a will. DH will get nothing from his Dad (all goes to stepmum) DH is fine with this, but it has all been carefully drawn out in a will as well. By not leaving a will then OP's DP is going to leave OP at risk because everything of his (including assests since wife died) will pass to children as NOK. At least, that's why my DH's dad wrote a will, to avoid stepmum being potentially left with nothing.

fatherpeeweestairmaster · 21/12/2014 09:46

She wasn't BU to want to protect her children's inheritance but I think she was being a bit U to dictate her husband's future life choices - if a man insisted that his widow couldn't marry again after his death, there would be cries of, 'WTF, is this 1514?'

I'd take legal advice to ensure their inheritance isn't changed by any marriage; surely it's not an unusual situation? But if he won't discuss it, or refuses to go, then it might be a different issue you need to tackle.

Chunderella · 21/12/2014 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

windingbrook · 21/12/2014 10:05

Thanks for replies.

His DS lives in one property and he rents the other out.

I think he wants the children to have all the inheritance. This is what was tactically agreed.

My house isn't technically mine as I rent it but the tenancy is in my name. Dp pays towards this though.

OP posts:

HeraldAngelSinging · 21/12/2014 11:26

What is the matter with people who don't make Wills? We should all draw up a Will as soon as we can. We are allowed to change it whenever we like. If we marry, a previous Will will be null and void so we should make new Wills after marriage. There's nothing wrong (in a second marriage especially) in saying that you want your portion of a house ownership (or whatever) to go to your children (or X) when you die with your spouse allowed to live in it until he/she dies.

If you want automatic transfer of your house portion to go to your spouse, sign the contract as Joint Tenants. If you want to leave your portion to whom you like, sign the contract as Tenants in Common.

A Will is not just for house owners. You might have a car or some posh sort of equipment or savings or a collection of something. A Will would deal with who gets what from a list that you can draw up to go with it.

Been there and done it. If you have no Will - make one! If it's going to be simple (eg "I leave everything to my DD and DS equally split"), you can get an on line form or one from W H Smith. Please make a Will because it would save arguments and nastiness between those left behind.

Oldraver · 21/12/2014 11:57

I am in a similar position to that of the OP's DP. I have recently redone my will but was told even if I did marry I could protect my DC's 'inheritance'

Original poster

windingbrook · 21/12/2014 12:00

We both have wills so not sure ego that rant was aimed at.

OP posts:

LittleDonkeyLeftie · 21/12/2014 12:04

This is just an excuse OP. A solicitor will be able to draw up a will that protects the DC.

Sorry

Fairenuff · 21/12/2014 12:06

OP I don't understand your problem. Legal advice would sort out the finance situation. Does he just not want to marry you? If this obstacle were sorted, would he marry you?

I don't understand how he could let this stop him if he did actually want to get married. I think it's an excuse. Sorry.

HellKitty · 21/12/2014 12:06

Me and DP are each there next of kin when/if we go to A&E - which has been a lot this year!

We are getting married next year and he wants to protect MY DCs so that if I die first they get what would be left to him when he goes. If that makes sense? It did in my head.

Original poster

windingbrook · 21/12/2014 12:10

I suppose I just wanted to talk. I feel alone with it all.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 21/12/2014 12:14

What does he say though OP, when you ask if he would want to get married it the money was sorted?

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