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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is neglect

66 replies

chakotay32 · 11/12/2014 21:27

My ex wife is saying she does not want our daughter 10, who has had emergency treatment twice in the last month for breathing difficulty and is asthmatic, to have the flu jab. The mother has said that there has been no letter from the doctors. When asked why she does not want DD to have the jab, she said "she is well right now and I don't want her to be sick over Christmas" I am horrified and don't know what I can do.

OP posts:
TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 11/12/2014 21:29

Where on earth is the logic in her reason?Surely the point is to prevent illness?What does she think is going to happen if she has the flu jab?

IloveOreossx · 11/12/2014 21:30

You cant do anything unfortunately for you, its not neglect either.

IloveOreossx · 11/12/2014 21:30

I agree with you though. She should have the jab.

Original poster
chakotay32 · 11/12/2014 21:30

That's what I said I am going to our doctors on Monday to ask their advice

OP posts:
ThisFenceIsComfy · 11/12/2014 21:32

It's not neglect. It isn't the most well thought out decision though, granted.

SoonToBeSix · 11/12/2014 21:32

If you have parental responsibility you can take her to get her flu jab.

WorraLiberty · 11/12/2014 21:34

What SoonToBeSix said. As long as your DD is ok with it.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 11/12/2014 21:35

Perhaps you could give her some info about the jab and the importance of protecting your daughter due to her health problems?

It's not technically neglect but as a parent I understand seeing it as such and would find it neglectful in a family sense if I was in your shoes,not the legal sense though.

Not all asthmatics are invited for free flu jabs btw,don't know if it's different in kids though,so it's possible she hasn't had a letter.That said,I haven't had a letter and am due mine and although I do have asthma it's more because I am a carer that I am entitled as the criteria usually states severe asthma (for adults at least,again I don't know about kids)

mytartanscarf · 11/12/2014 21:35

I don't think it is neglect sorry - I was advised to have the flu jab but won't after seeing how ill it made friends.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 11/12/2014 21:37

Could you book an appointment with the asthma nurse to discuss the pros and cons of the flu jab, with specific regards to your daughters asthma? Then all of you discuss it together and make an informed decision, based on facts.
You just going in there calling her neglectful is going to start things off on the wrong foot. Flu jabs are optional, and it is up to both of you to decide what is best for your child. She is not neglectful to refuse the jab necessarily, and you are not unreasonable to want her to have it.

I think the best option is to do as I suggest above, and get proper (calm) medical opinion on what is the best option for her, and decide between you both when you have all the relevant medical facts and information.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 11/12/2014 21:38

It doesn't make everyone ill mytartanscarf I've only known one person to suffer after.My dad will get a couple of days of sniffles but for an 85 year old with COPD I think that's pretty good going! If you have a virus when you have it though it appears it can knock you for six!

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks · 11/12/2014 21:39

*book the appointment and attend all of you together, not just you on your own.

thismumismad · 11/12/2014 21:39

I nor my son got a letter this year but as we are both asthmatic and I was blue lighted earlier this year I bloody well made sure we both got it. I and my son 14 felt like shit for a day and had a sore arm for three days, but that was all.

TempusFuckit · 11/12/2014 21:39

Echoing PP who say it's daft but not neglect.

And also, both asthmatic I and 3-year-old DS were jabbed two weeks ago without any side effects, to even up any anecdotal evidence

paleviewofhills · 11/12/2014 21:42

No, it isn't neglect, and tbh you won't get the outcome you want with your ex by going in all guns blazing and accusing her of such.

However I can understand why you feel the way you do. You could, if you have PR, take your dd to have the jab yourself but frankly I'd advise against this.

You and your ex need to sit down with a healthcare professional and discuss the pros and cons.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 11/12/2014 21:45

Here's the possible side effects.Nothing to worry about and it won't make you ill.I'm guessing those who have been ill have already actually caught something (my dad included I would guess as it doesn't cause snuffles!).There are no active viruses in the jab

www.nhs.uk/conditions/vaccinations/pages/flu-vaccine-side-effects.aspx

NickiFury · 11/12/2014 21:46

Do you have PR? I imagine you do. I would be taking her myself as her parent.

WoodliceCollection · 11/12/2014 21:50

Where I live, only 3 and 4 year olds (and the elderly, pregnant etc) were offered it, so it's quite possible that the GP hasn't offered. If you're that fussed, take her to get it at the chemist and pay for it yourself? It's definitely not neglect- maybe failing to vaccinate for serious childhood illnesses is, though I think many people would disagree with me on that, but flu quite honestly the vaccine is not sufficiently effective to insist everyone who could suffer has it. If the NHS had offered it and your ex had rejected it, you might have an argument, but it sounds like they don't offer it for older kids in your area, so obviously they don't think it's neglect either.

SoonToBeSix · 11/12/2014 21:52

Woodlice you are incorrect countrywide anyone with asthma is offered a flu jab regardless of age. Also you cannot buy a flu jab at a chemist for a child.

SoonToBeSix · 11/12/2014 21:53

Also Woodlice I am shocked at your ignorance do you genuinely believe flu is not a serious illness to a child with asthma?

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 11/12/2014 21:58

Flu is serious,especially with asthma.Any virus or infection can set asthma off or cause complications,flu even more so.

I wasn't aware that everyone with asthma is invited though,guidance I read the other day said severe asthma (adults) but it would make sense if it wasn't!

I just to stop being ill to have mine,a month of varying viruses/infections so far and yes that has affected my asthma greatly!

Sidge · 11/12/2014 22:03

We can't afford to send letters where I work - we have over 2000 eligible patients. The postage would bankrupt us!

Not all asthmatics are eligible. And children 2-17 get nasal flu vaccine, no needles this year.

CockBollocks · 11/12/2014 22:10

Do you know the triggers for her asthma? Could that also be the reason for her decision.

I'm amazed tbh at her decision, I have spent many nights in hospital with ds, the most scary when he got pneumonia and was blue lighted into hdu. He went downhill so rapidly it was incredible - Flu could kill him and I would never risk it.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 11/12/2014 22:10

My partner has CF, and I gave him swine flu (definitely was, as they tested him at admission) one year where he was then hospitalised for two weeks, with the first spent in isolation. I had had what I thought was flu beforehand but was not tested so it might not have been my fault. I am not his carer though, so would I qualify for a flu jab or not?

Original poster
chakotay32 · 11/12/2014 22:10

I'm worried as I know how serious flu can be and she has no more meat on her than a sparrows kneecap. It's the blasé attitude to her care from her mother that has wound me up and not just on this issue. I am basically told to butt out whenever I mention anything like this. I am her parent too and yes I do have PR as we were married before we had her.

OP posts: