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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is neglect

66 replies

chakotay32 · 11/12/2014 21:27

My ex wife is saying she does not want our daughter 10, who has had emergency treatment twice in the last month for breathing difficulty and is asthmatic, to have the flu jab. The mother has said that there has been no letter from the doctors. When asked why she does not want DD to have the jab, she said "she is well right now and I don't want her to be sick over Christmas" I am horrified and don't know what I can do.

OP posts:
TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 11/12/2014 22:22

Take her for it yourself if her mother refuses after being given all the information and a visit to the doctors and it is suitable for her.

A friend of mine at school used to get seriously ill with flu every year,she had no general health problems but was incredibly slim like your daughter.With that combined with asthma I understand your concerns.

Normal asthma triggers don't really mean much by way of a reason to not need it either.Mine was fine for years,generally dormant or well controlled and normally triggered by aerosols(which are banned in my house so don't affect me) or at times attacks were caused by my sportyness in early teens.Mine flared up badly a month ago now due to a virus and has been pretty much constant with me now needing my blue inhaler daily after years of not needing one and also requiring 40mg of oral steroids daily and was nearly at the point of needing to go to hospital a couple of times,as it is I'm still flaring up due to another virus! So it can change and it can get worse and the possible complications of bronchitis or pneumonia are serious for any asthmatic!

Original poster
chakotay32 · 11/12/2014 22:24

Thanks guys lots of viable points raised and so time to evaluate

OP posts:
Original poster
chakotay32 · 11/12/2014 22:26

Thanks trip trap defo agree with your thoughts just see how Monday goes forst

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 11/12/2014 22:27

Of course it's not neglect. If you want to understand what neglect is, do some research, sadly there's plenty of information out there. If you have a list of things you aren't happy with, then I hope you're doing something about it. I hope, if your list is valid, you are listened to.

This one thing, however, is just a difference of opinion.

How much care of your DD do you do?

Original poster
chakotay32 · 11/12/2014 22:44

I have her 50% of the time and given a choice she would spend it with me where ever poss and YOUR POINT IS ?

OP posts:
MagicMojito · 11/12/2014 23:12

Bit harsh there on chipping OP Hmm
I'd get it done anyway if I were you. Dd1 has just had the nasal flu jab and all has been absolutely fine. It'd not a risk worth taking IMO.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 11/12/2014 23:21

If you have PR and have your dd 50% of the time then why don't you take her? It's as much responsibility to get it done as it is her mother's. Just let her know you've had it done in case she changes her mind.

MammaTJ · 11/12/2014 23:37

You have parental responsibility and rights, you can just take your DD and get it done!

Do it, don't argue or debate, take her and get it done!

Lucyandpoppy · 11/12/2014 23:40

Flu jab is not a live vaccine so no way she would catch flu from it.

Rosecottage888 · 11/12/2014 23:47

If you have 50/50 PR why can't you take her yourself? Why does it have to be her mum that takes her?

bloodyteenagers · 11/12/2014 23:48

Does she have any allergies?
Some areas this complicates things
Even with asthma.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 11/12/2014 23:50

Isn't it only egg allergy that's an issue? Either way,that can easily be discussed with a doctor

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 12/12/2014 00:06

WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING AT ME?

Lots of people do get ill after, from friends and family it has been about 50/50 this year. I wouldn't do it before Christmas now either.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 12/12/2014 00:09

Surely they already have something? It doesn't contain live virus and the nhs states the side effects are mild fever and an aching arm...

batteryhen · 12/12/2014 00:12

To be ill from the flu jab is one thing. To catch flu because you didn't have the flu jab is another. Flu is much much worse than just being ill for a few days following the vaccine. If she were mine I would give it to her. To say she shouldn't have it before Xmas as it might make her ill is ridiculous .

CupidStuntSurvivor · 12/12/2014 00:24

No. It's not neglect. It's you and your ex having a difference of opinion.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 12/12/2014 00:56

I agree you should take her yourself

It is your decision as much as it is her mothers and in this case I would think the medical professionals would agree with you anyway

MiscellaneousAssortment · 12/12/2014 01:44

Not neglect.

Take her yourself.

Simples :)

munchkinmaster · 12/12/2014 01:58

Flu jag is not live so it doesn't make you ill. They give it out in peak cough/cold season so lots of people tend to get ill by chance the week they get it.

Nasal spray is live so maybe that's different.

I second a chat with asthma/practice nurse re pros and cons.

No letter here, I got a text from gp about dd.

mathanxiety · 12/12/2014 01:58

Is there more going on here than just the flu jab?

What has 'given a choice she would spend it with me where ever poss' got to do with the flu jab?

Do you want to have your DD living with you the majority of the time?

If you are trying to build a case for that based on neglect by the mother, then you are going to have to go through the courts, get SS involved.

If you and the mother are in conflict over the DD's welfare, I recommend you both engage in family mediation. Struggles over children's welfare, no matter how well intentioned each party may be, are never in the best interests of the children. It is always far better if parents are able to sit down and talk through priorities and conflicts, acknowledge that each one has the child's best interests at heart (unless there is very strong evidence to the contrary you really will have to acknowledge this) and find a compromise.

National Family Mediation website. You might be able to find a family mediator in your local area who can help you deal with your concerns over DD's asthma care and whatever other concerns you have. The DD's asthma isn't going to go away and the sooner you and her mother are able to learn to talk productively about her care the better for all concerned. From your comments I gather there are other flashpoints, and I really urge you to choose mediation.

missingmumxox · 12/12/2014 02:07

As a nurse giving flu vaccine I wouldn't question you on this, I would give it.
If you told me your ex was against it, I would ask a 10 year old their feelings, and ask you to give us 2 mins alone getting another adult in to witness.

But I would not question Dads coming in otherwise,
Trust me I don't think she is negligent just misguided. But that just my opinion Smile

I am big fan of vaccinations but never would I force them as a nurse on patients... My own children don't care they are getting themGrin
What a lot of people forget is the very time we are doing the flu jab is cold and winter vomiting time and if they happen to get that or be incubating it when we give the jab... They blame the jab, I have had flu twice as a healthy 20 and then 30 something... Really not nice I struggled as both times I lived alone and I found it difficult even to get to a tap to get water

KnackeredMerrily · 12/12/2014 02:25

DecaffCoffee - you might not be entitled to it for free but many pharmacies sell the jab for around £10. In your situation might be worth it Flowers

To other people - you do not catch the flu from a vaccine! It is a dead vaccine. You can get a couple of minor flu symptoms for around 24 hours, so no where close enough to dealy it for the sake of Christmas Hmm.

It isn't immediately effective so you can get the flu after you have the jab but all these really poorly people have had a coincidental cold, or a very short bout of the vaccination sniffles.

The peak of flu season is January so still plenty of time to get it done if you're thinking about it.

KnackeredMerrily · 12/12/2014 02:27

*delay

Babiecakes11 · 12/12/2014 06:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 12/12/2014 06:42

In your shoes I would take her to get it done. Ask the nurse about the nasal spray that is pain free and few side effects. Your ex may be cross but you can say you wanted to protect DD's health. No professional would disagree with your actions.