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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to ask how you would respond to this?

53 replies

kwerty · 10/12/2014 18:39

Another Christmas related one. We are quite a small family; DH and our DS and DD, in their twenties. who still come home for Christmas, although DS is working abroad and unable to join us this year. Then I have one sister who is married with no children. She and DBIL have spent Christmas with us every year for the last 25 years. We also hosted my parents but DF is dead now and DM very elderly and living in a home.
Out of those 25 years, DH and I have hosted at our house for at least 20 Christmases; we supplied all the food and drink, champagne and chocs. Occasionally DSIS would bring a pudding (though we usually had one ready), a bottle of wine or a box of crackers.Felt a bit peeved sometimes as we spent a great deal of money and time preparing and they would also take away lots of leftovers - turkey, ham, trifle, cake etc. , but tried not to let the feeling linger as it was Christmas and everyone else seemed to be happy. I usually did the majority of the cooking and all the clearing up, DH helped prepare and DC would muck in.
I got a txt the other day; 'We have a new dog and will be staying at home this Christmas.' Oh, OK, I thought, I can see you would want to stay at home, we will be over that way visiting DM, so it could work well. Scrolled down looking for 'do join us ', but no, what I saw was 'do drop in for nibbles if convenient'. Nibbles! Nibbles!
Sorry this is long. AIBU to feel miffed? I haven't responded yet, not sure what to say really.

OP posts:
TallulahTwinkletoes · 10/12/2014 18:46

Possibly they aren't thinking/aren't entertainers.

I imagine you were doing this because you enjoy the day and the atmosphere and not for what you get in return and I imagine they enjoy going to your house.

That said, YANBU. They should think and they should reciprocate.

Quitelikely · 10/12/2014 18:46

When I read the first half of your post I thought you were fed up that you had been hosting your sister for so long so I assumed you would be relieved that she wasn't coming? No?

So she has asked you for nibbles. Did you want a full buffet?

NorwaySpruce · 10/12/2014 18:46

Nibbles! Nibbles! Xmas Grin

Sounds as though they'd rather not have visitors at all really.

I'd be planning a quiet Christmas at home if I were you, with a visit to your mother at some point.

Just reply saying you might drop in if you get a chance, after visiting your mother.

TallulahTwinkletoes · 10/12/2014 18:48

Oooops... Important part.

Depending on how close you are to each other, I'd ask if they had plans for the day and if they fancied Xmas at their house this yr...

Original poster
kwerty · 10/12/2014 18:53

I actually feel a bit sad, I re-read my post and it does sound as though it was all an imposition but I feel that families should get together at Christmas, and we only have each other. Am I wrong to think that a full buffet, or better still a Christmas dinner might be offered. DD is my sister's goddaughter and both DC get on really well with DSIS and DBIL; Christmas day has always gone well with lios of chat and a friendly atmosphere. I just think she should have offered... (bloody nibbles!)

OP posts:
whois · 10/12/2014 19:00

Yeah I can see that it would be nice f they hosted, but they probably think you're so good at it!

Much better to be upfront "oh lovely relation who always turns up empty handed, please bring 6 bottles of this wine and make/buy the cranberry and bread sauce, oh, and pre make the red cabbage thanks so much love you bye xxx

Riverland · 10/12/2014 19:08

If I was hoping to combine a visit to my mother with a christmas meal at DS', I'd text and say " congrats on the dog, looking forward to meeting him! we'll come over to see ma on the (date), how about we come to you for lunch this year, about 2pm ish? "

Ball firmly in her court.

twizzleship · 10/12/2014 19:19

how rude of her - that's all she's got to say after spending the last 25 christmas's at yours?!!! Shock I'd play the cheeky mare at her own game and wind her up. nibbles indeed!

PicaK · 10/12/2014 20:12

How confident is she at hosting? You obviously create a lovely atmosphere every year which is enjoyed by all. Not everyone can do that. (I'm making massive assumption that they're not constantly entertaining.) Or maybe they just don't want to impose on you by demanding your time when you're seeing your mum?

JT05 · 10/12/2014 20:16

Make the most of it, change the tradition and enjoy your time with just your children. Establish this as the pattern for the future.
Invite yourself for Easter lunch!

Lifesalemon · 10/12/2014 20:26

It sounds quite rude to me not to invite you.
Are there any issues that could be making them reluctant hosts, cash shortage, rubbish cook etc.

mwalimu · 10/12/2014 20:35

id phone her and say OI! invite us for dinner you big meanie, whats going on?!

could you do that? sod the pussy footing around

LittleRedRidingHoodie · 10/12/2014 20:39

How about saying you always love spending the day together and would be up for bringing starter/dessert if she did lunch?

My sister is hosting this year so we've gone halves on buying it all from 'cool' maybe suggest that?

Purpleroxy · 10/12/2014 20:40

Are you sure it's not because they aren't entertainers? I hate entertaining, catering etc. Stressful. Are you sure they're not the same?

SpringBreaker · 10/12/2014 20:40

I would just have merrily replied "excellent, xmas dinner at yours then this year, what shall we bring" with a smile

Mousefinkle · 10/12/2014 20:47

"shall we have Christmas dinner at yours then? I'll bring the pud!" Thats what I'd do, taste of their own medicine. Nibbles indeed...

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 10/12/2014 21:15

Just text back 'are we having Christmas dinner at yours this year then?' and see what happens. Xmas Grin

eddielizzard · 10/12/2014 21:22

i agree - ah, christmas at yours! lovely! i'll finally get to relax. so looking forward...

HappenstanceMarmite · 10/12/2014 21:26

Another vote for "So what time shall we come round for lunch?"

Tough if she "doesn't like entertaining". She was happy enough to enjoy your hospitality for all those years. Her turn to be the grown up.

wheatfreetoast · 10/12/2014 21:33

yabu

WhaddayWant · 10/12/2014 21:40

Y Were BU to invite. Her around for 25 years and not tell her and her DH to contribute more and help clear up. After a few years they must just have assumed you didn't mind.

IF you want to go to hers for food then I would ask her. If not, I would at least send her a jokey text.

Original poster
kwerty · 10/12/2014 22:19

Thanks, all. I think I will go with just facing it head on; 'what time is lunch? sod the nibbles!'
DBIL is a very good cook; DSIS doesn't do cooking, but she wouldn't have to. Would only be three of us as DS away, so not that stressful really.
Thanks for treating me gently!

OP posts:
TimelyNameChangey · 10/12/2014 22:22

I tried that in a similar situation Kwerty...facing it cockily I mean and was roundly brushed off which hurt as like you, I've hosted too many times.

I am now seeing my sister in a different light.

Fallingovercliffs · 10/12/2014 22:37

I really wouldn't do that Kwerty. Just because you hosted the family Christmas up until now doesn't mean other family members would feel comfortable doing the same. And they may even be using the dog as an excuse to have Christmas on their own.

TimelyNameChangey · 10/12/2014 22:49

No that's right.

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