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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to ask how you would respond to this?

53 replies

kwerty · 10/12/2014 18:39

Another Christmas related one. We are quite a small family; DH and our DS and DD, in their twenties. who still come home for Christmas, although DS is working abroad and unable to join us this year. Then I have one sister who is married with no children. She and DBIL have spent Christmas with us every year for the last 25 years. We also hosted my parents but DF is dead now and DM very elderly and living in a home.
Out of those 25 years, DH and I have hosted at our house for at least 20 Christmases; we supplied all the food and drink, champagne and chocs. Occasionally DSIS would bring a pudding (though we usually had one ready), a bottle of wine or a box of crackers.Felt a bit peeved sometimes as we spent a great deal of money and time preparing and they would also take away lots of leftovers - turkey, ham, trifle, cake etc. , but tried not to let the feeling linger as it was Christmas and everyone else seemed to be happy. I usually did the majority of the cooking and all the clearing up, DH helped prepare and DC would muck in.
I got a txt the other day; 'We have a new dog and will be staying at home this Christmas.' Oh, OK, I thought, I can see you would want to stay at home, we will be over that way visiting DM, so it could work well. Scrolled down looking for 'do join us ', but no, what I saw was 'do drop in for nibbles if convenient'. Nibbles! Nibbles!
Sorry this is long. AIBU to feel miffed? I haven't responded yet, not sure what to say really.

OP posts:
DuchessDisaster · 11/12/2014 00:11

Well now, I think that after 25 years you are the 'Gold Standard' as regards Christmas entertaining and your sister feels that she probably couldn't come anywhere near the hospitality and food you have provided, so the best she can offer is 'nibbles

TallulahTwinkletoes · 11/12/2014 05:53

Let us know how it goes Grin

Thumbnutstwitchingonanopenfire · 11/12/2014 05:57

Bit of a "taker" then, your sister?

I'd probably say something along the lines of "20 years of lunch we've given you, with doggy bags as well, and all you can offer us is nibbles? No thanks, we'll not bother. Have fun with your dog."

But then I'm a mean old bag.

britishbakeoffblues · 11/12/2014 06:48

Nibbles for the dog......dinner for the humans!

BooDidIScareYou · 11/12/2014 06:58

Maybe 'nibbles' is the dog's name and you're about to receive another text inviting you to Christmas lunch?

YANBU btw. I do wonder, are you better off financially than they are (or do they think you are for some reason)? I have seen this before where family seem to think its ok not to bring much / reciprocate invites as 'they can afford it much more than we can'. Just a thought.

Stealthpolarbear · 11/12/2014 07:09

Desperately trying to work out an autocorrect for nibbles!
But anyway sibu. Their turn to host

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 11/12/2014 07:35

Strange how on all the threads where people have invited themselves round for dinner the response is that this is extremely rude behaviour.....but that is what people here are actually suggesting that the OP do!

YABU. You obviously enjoy hosting, your DSis obviously doesn't. So why force them?
You sound entitled here.

And if you wanted a contribution to dinner you should have tackled it 19 years ago, not just complained about it behind her back and let the resentment bottle up.

MinceSpy · 11/12/2014 07:46

You and your Dsis sound like me and my Dsis. You are natural host she isn't, it's just the way it is. Time to start some new traditions and enjoy a,smaller event.

LegoSuperstar · 11/12/2014 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpringBreaker · 11/12/2014 08:18

If you are uncomfortable hosting, then dont keep bloody going to other people if invited. Its rude not to reciprocate.

PurpleWithRed · 11/12/2014 08:22

I would respond like you - inner seething and seeking the wisdom of Mumsnet. I would then fester for a bit and occupy the moral high ground, rant loudly to DH about what I was going to say to Dsis, and finally phone her up and or go round and have an actual conversation with her to see what she really wants and take it from there.

Texting is the devils own tool when it comes to this kind of thing.

tabulahrasa · 11/12/2014 08:23

Are you close? It seems weird that you didn't know your sister was getting a dog?

fluffyraggies · 11/12/2014 08:33

I was going to ask if you are close to your sister too OP.

To be brutally honest (as we can here Grin) I wonder if, although they have loved their xmas' at yours up to now, they fancy having an xmas alone?

Maybe the dog is a catalyst for this?

Am i right in thinking it's just you, DH and your daughter this year then? Why not book something different for the 3 of you? A nice hotel?

Or just have a very small but xtra luxurious xmas together? Less work for you.

FishWithABicycle · 11/12/2014 08:54

It wouldn't be at all sensible for them to host a big Xmas kneesup with a new dog in the house.

I think if you wanted the burden of hosting family Christmas to be shared, the time to say so was many years ago. Now that mould has become thoroughly and rigidly set the only thing to do is smash it completely. Not wanting to project my own family dynamics onto yours bit if we were in a rut of always doing Christmas hosted by my dsis, who would have everything down to a fine art of highly practiced perfection, I would certainly not be in hurry to offer to host myself when I finally found a reason to say "not this year".

Traditions don't have to be fixed - take this opportunity to be completely different this year.

HappenstanceMarmite · 11/12/2014 08:57

It doesn't matter if she's uncomfortable hosting, thinks you do it so much better, or just don't want to this year. To not take her turn is bloody rude.

^ this ^

And this...

If you are uncomfortable hosting, then dont keep bloody going to other people if invited. Its rude not to reciprocate.

FishWithABicycle · 11/12/2014 09:03

I disagree. If you are expecting someone else to take their turn then inviting them to yours every year for 20+ years, without ever saying "oi it's your turn next year" is unreasonable. DSis is not a mind reader.

MehsMum · 11/12/2014 09:48

Various posters have said, Oooh perhaps OP's sister isn't an entertainer, finds it stressful, etc.

Bugger that, frankly. Entertaining IS stressful, even for those who do it a lot and who can cook. It's not reasonable to expect someone to produce Christmas dinner for 20 years out of 25, and wimp out of doing yourself just the once. It's called taking advantage.

YANBU, OP. I'd go for, 'Be lovely to see you! What time is lunch? Can I bring the crackers or the pud?'

And next time you host, make it clear beforehand that your DSis is expected to bring X bottles of wine, a trifle and the post-lunch chocolates.

youareallbonkers · 11/12/2014 09:59

Why host Christmas and invite people if you are just going to feel resentful? I think I'd have stopped after a couple of years if I felt that way.

LegoSuperstar · 11/12/2014 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stormingateacup · 11/12/2014 16:36

Your sister is not a mind reader. If you've never expressed dissatisfaction at your 20 years of hosting, how is she supposed to know? She probably thinks you enjoy it!

Fallingovercliffs · 11/12/2014 16:42

I enjoy cooking and having people around for dinner. My sister would be a nervous wreck if she had to cook Christmas dinner for a crowd.
I have an aunt who has been coming to my mum's for Christmas for about 40 years. She is not a confident cook and again, would panic for weeks and totally over buy and over cater if she had to host Christmas lunch. It wouldn't even cross any of our minds to expect her to. We love her and like seeing her on Christmas day and she is kind and an important part of our family.
I think it would be totally unfair to force your sister to have you all for Christmas lunch.

KERALA1 · 11/12/2014 16:48

With you op detest takers that accept repeated hospitality and never reciprocate. No excuses grabby scrounging behaviour

KERALA1 · 11/12/2014 16:58

Obviously not the elderly etc but able bodies guests of same generation need to share the load (and it is a load). Even if they "can't" host need to make up for it by decent contribution like Turkey or all wine etc

Original poster
kwerty · 11/12/2014 18:25

Lego, that's it precisely! I don't think I have given the impression that I was seething with resentment at hosting so often; in a way it was convenient as children usually prefer to be at home with toys etc, and we do have a slightly bigger house, though there were never more than 8 of us. Nor do I mind that DSIS wants to be at home with her new dog (she only just got dog so txt was telling me that too), it's just that being so small a family I think it is important to get together and I feel I have been dismissed! We will be in her locality visiting DM on Christmas morning (an hour's drive away from our home) so it would be perfect to have lunch at her's and then leave her to enjoy the dog. But no; flippin' NIBBLES are on offer! As I said, DBIL does the cooking; he is a very good cook.

OP posts:
Original poster
kwerty · 11/12/2014 18:30

Fish I wasn't expecting her to take a turn; I fully expected them to come to us. It was the fact that we were dismissed that stung...and the bloody nibbles..

OP posts: