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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To allow cats in bedroom when DP isn't here?

59 replies

Celestria · 08/12/2014 09:13

DP and I had a row last night. We have been together a year and a half. I have two cats, one a dainty wee long hair and another that's a gorgeous brute of a bengal. I adore them both.

I don't live with my DP. He maintains he can't live with me because he can't say anything about my kids or cats without me jumping down his throat. He also says I have no respect for him because when he isn't staying, I have the cats on the bed.

Way I see it, I LIKE having the cats on the bed. I like listening to their purrs and settling off to sleep. I am respectful in that when he stays the cats go into the kitchen. When he isn't here I do what I want to do. He is my BF, not my husband. AIBU?

OP posts:
Fudgeface123 · 08/12/2014 09:17

Sounds like there's more to this than just the cats on the bed. YANBU though, it's your home, your choice.

Something will have to change though if you're in it for the long term Xmas Hmm

UncleT · 08/12/2014 09:19

Yeah no.... He can piss right off. As already stated though, there's probably more going on here.

Hatespiders · 08/12/2014 09:20

Of course YANBU!
He doesn't even live with you, he's just a visitor. If he doesn't like cats on the bed, and he finds talking about your DC a problem, is he the right man for you? How dare he control what you do with your cats when he's not even there?
We have 3 Siamese, and they're naughty. They wee on everything and climb up the curtains. My dh adores them (he has a favourite, which is a bit unfair!) and wouldn't dream of telling me to change the cats' routine. He spoils them rotten and would be gutted if anything happened to them (especially his favourite!)
Find a man who loves cats and children. You'll be a lot more relaxed and happy.

LegoAdventCalendar · 08/12/2014 09:22

Sounds like a controlling dick. I'd not only never live with but also dump him. It's your home and your kids. You do what YOU want in it and with them. He doesn't get a say. No respect for him because you don't do what he tells you in your home when he's not there? Get this man away from your kids! He is trying to wear you down so he can control you and your kids.

When a person shows you who they are, believe them!

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 08/12/2014 09:27

Well that would be a massive issue for me as I'm very allergic to cats, so would be having a huge asthma attack every time I stayed over! But even in those circs I agree, your house your rules.

flicktuck · 08/12/2014 09:30

Has he got an allergy? If not YANBU

Whatsthewhatsthebody · 08/12/2014 09:32

Run for the hills. He wants to criticise your kids and cats and control you.

Seriously kick him out of your life now while you still can.

How dare he tell you how to live your lives.

Do your children like him? Guessing not much.

TarkaTheOtter · 08/12/2014 09:34

He can't tell you what to do in your own home but I wouldn't want to sleep in a bed where cats had slept either so I can understand where he is coming from. Unless you are washing the sheets before he stays over, they must smell of cat right?

Whatsthewhatsthebody · 08/12/2014 09:37

Na our cats sleep on our bed and nothing smells. Cats Te cleaner than most people.

This isn't about cats anyway it's about control.

Get rid.

gamerchick · 08/12/2014 09:38

You are not compatible with each other.

Thank god you don't live together really.

HadleyHemingway · 08/12/2014 09:40

Controlling twat. Imagine if you did live with him. How shit would that be?

NotTodaySatan · 08/12/2014 09:43

Your house, your rules. Tell him to jog on.

That said, cats/dogs on the bed is pretty gross. I wouldn't sleep in a bed a cat had been laid on so I wouldn't start a relationship with someone who did. It's basic incompatibility.

Winterbells · 08/12/2014 09:46

Yanbu.

I love when my cat sleeps on the bed, especially now it's cold because she gets under the duvet and puts her little head on the pillow and it's adorable!

TSSDNCOP · 08/12/2014 09:46

My husband prefers the cats and the kid to me.

lemisscared · 08/12/2014 09:48

He should be your ex bf with an attitude like that, you have to be respectful??? Fuck that right off! Your cats sound lovely by the way!

Maroonie · 08/12/2014 09:52

I would hate cats in the bedroom, and if my boyfriend would rather have a cat in his bed than me then that's all id need to know!

GoodboyBindleFeatherstone · 08/12/2014 09:55

He should be exBF. Seriously. He clearly has no respect for you and his attitude towards your children is worrying.

petswinprizes · 08/12/2014 09:56

YABU to have cats in the bed imho, but if you want them and you have clean sheets each time he stays it's up to you.
And whatsthewhat the cats that sleep in your bed DO smell. They all smell. It's not a nice smell if you don't have/like cats, but probably not as bad as the smell from my rancid dog when he rolls in crap.

AmyElliotDunne · 08/12/2014 10:01

I don't think cats smell (except their fishy breath!) but tbh if someone wanted to let their dog sleep in a bed that I was also expecting to sleep in I would be horrified, so if he's not a cat person I can see why he might object. I don't let my cat sleep on my bed as I have seen the odd flea jumping about in his own bed and I don't want them in mine!

As for the kid thing, perhaps he has a point - you've been together a while now, if he is expected to spend time with you all and adopt some sort of parental role while he's with you, then having some say in how your DCs behave is actually only fair. If you are not open to discussing that with him and you do 'jump down his throat' when he tries to mention anything to do with them, then you won't be able to have a successful relationship.

Being in a step-parent situation requires a lot of compromise and patience, so if you want any kind of future with him, you have to allow him to be involved with discussions regarding your family, otherwise he will remain an outsider.

We don't know anything about this man or the rest of your relationship, so it really depends what you want from him. If you are happy for him to continue being a guest, a boyfriend who you spend time with and who is a separate entity from your family then fine, carry on putting the cat first and keeping him at arms length from the children.

If you actually want him to move in and become part of your family then he will need to feel like it is his home, which means he has some say over who/what sleeps in his bed and he feels that you can both have open and honest conversations about things that bother you without anyone kicking off.

Original poster
Celestria · 08/12/2014 10:03

Only my bengal really sleeps ON the bed, not in it. Bengals have really minimal shedding because of their pelt like fur and he always smells lovely. They are pretty much indoor cats.

And I'd actually prefer my DP in my bed (with cat on the end of it!) however he chooses when he stays with me and when he does I respect his wishes not to have animals in the bedroom.

Yes there is loads more to it but I'm not drip feeding and I can't be bothered going on about it all. My children actually adore him.

OP posts:
londonrach · 08/12/2014 10:09

Your house your rules. However if he has an allergy yabu. Whatsthe your cats will smell to a non cat owner and other cat owners, but that doesnt matter as its your bed your rules. when i had a cat he wasnt allowed in the bedroom (only room he wasnt allowed in and work tops), but we enjoyed loads of hugs on the sofa. He used to wait outside the bedroom door in the morning. He very very bright and understand the rules although i suspect he also trained us as he got his breakfast before us in the morning. I do suspect he occasionally went in the bedroom (the smell gave him away) but we usually kept the door shut.

Original poster
Celestria · 08/12/2014 10:10

With the children, I left him to watch them for the first time ever about three weeks ago. I only went to the shop to get some lunch stuff. When I came back he was in a mood. I asked him what was wrong and he told me my 6 and 4 year old boys had been completely ignoring him. I said I would speak to them and asked him how he handled it. He said he ignored them. I asked him if he counted them down like I do and he said no because 'they aren't babies'. He seemed to be of the opinion that they should immediately do exactly what he says. And yes, I wasn't happy they were ignoring him, but they have never known him in an authoritarian position. I did speak to them but he wasn't happy and maintains that I am hard on my older girls and soft on my boys.

A week ago, I asked my girls if they felt I was harder on them than the boys. I never mentioned why I was asking. Both my girls said I barely tell them off at all but regularly tell the boys off and that 'I was the best mummy in the world'

The next time my DP brought it up, I told him that the girls didn't feel that was the case and as they were happy, I didn't feel the need to look at my parenting skills.

If I told you about our relationship from start to finish, you would tell me to leave him like a shot. We aren't compatible in a live together and blended family sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
Celestria · 08/12/2014 10:12

Anyone who owns bengals will know they are incredibly mischievous and strong willed. Part of what I adore about my boy. He does go on the work tops though I put him down. And he jumps back up. And I put him down. And repeat.

OP posts:
Original poster
Celestria · 08/12/2014 10:12

Oh and sorry, forgot to answer. He doesn't have an allergy.

OP posts:
FuckYouChristmasAndThatClaus · 08/12/2014 10:14

Now I have cat envy Xmas Envy

Get another cat and get rid of the bf.