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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to resent my DP's successful career?

66 replies

tostaky · 22/11/2014 09:05

while i am stuck at home with 3 young children?
For him all the exciting opportunities, eurostar day trip, champagne and interesting discussions. ...
For me, the terrible twos, the homeworks, the tantrums, the cooking/washing/cleaning...

I am very very happy for him and he deserves his success as he works like mad.... but I just feel like a lower level human being left to deal with with the mondain things while the world pass me by...
Go back to work when DC3 is at school? of course it will have to be part time... which means reduced responsibilities...

OP posts:

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 22/11/2014 09:10

You feel like a lower human being left to deal with the mundane things?

The world isn't passing you by, you're raising your children.

Look for part time work now if you're feeling dissatisfied.

DoughnutSelfie · 22/11/2014 09:12

Lots of mothers work full time, it doesn't have to be part time only

Talk to him about planning your return to work, with the concomitant redistribution of child care and housework responsibilities

canweseethebunnies · 22/11/2014 09:13

Yanbu. But they won't be small forever and you will have opportunities in the future (that's what I'm telling myself at the moment, anyway )

Kerberos · 22/11/2014 09:15

Talk to your DH. If starting or returning to a career is important to you then you can find a way of making it work together. Doesn't have to be all you carrying the home stuff.

WooWooOwl · 22/11/2014 09:17

I think lots of women would feel bored an maybe a bit frustrated at always living the same mundane routine in your position, but you are choosing to feel resentful of your DHs career, and that's not really fair.

You made a choice to be a SAHP and have your DHs job fund that, so you are actually in a very fortunate position. You don't have to work part time when you go back, although it probably will make your life easier, but your children won't always be young and in need of a parent around a lot of the time. This time in your life will pass, and when it does you will probably miss it.

Surreyblah · 22/11/2014 09:18

If you are not married, being at home means you are in a very vulnerable position financially, it'd make sense to get working again sooner rather than later. Your DP might have to request flexibility from his employer to support this.

Surreyblah · 22/11/2014 09:19

Owoo, the DP is also fortunate, he can pursue his career, travel, progress, with everything covered at home.

bbcessex · 22/11/2014 09:21

Lots of mums don't feel the same, and love the change of lifestyle that having young children brings, or never had the career enjoyment anyway. .but for me, I think the way you feel is quite normal; that's certainly how I felt when my children were very small and my husband still had his 'normal' life. I was quite resentful, to be honest (although I knew that was irrational).

My children are older now, and I've been back in the work / travel / fulfilment (through my job) vein for years - so it does change.

I agree with DoughnutSelfie - have a plan - other than financial, there's no real reason why all work-related sacrifices have to fall on your shoulders.

MeMyselfAnd1 · 22/11/2014 09:21

Honestly.... There are women that would be happy at home, with children and a house with flowers. There are women who want that and a career.

If you are career oriented, you are never going to be happy staying at home, that is not saying that you don't enjoy the time spent with your children, you obviously love them very much, but in the same way that many women derive a lot of satisfaction from tending the garden or baking glorious cakes, some others have passions that are outside the home.

If you are one of the latter, my advice is to go back to work as soon as possible to avoid this career gap ruining the chances further to go back to a job area you loved. The children will be fine, honest, and believe me I would rather work part time when they are teenagers than when they are toddlers, that's when they need you the most.

Got99problems · 22/11/2014 09:22

Would you want to swap? Be at work all day, and sometimes have to be away overnight, while your DP was at home with the kids? Personally I know I would be just as resentful then, thinking that DP gets to spend all his time with the DC while I work all hours to support him! Its easy to resent people who have different life experiences to you, but there are pros and cons to any situation.

Parker231 · 22/11/2014 09:22

Are you on maternity leave now? Go back to work at the end of your leave and work like mad - it worked for me as I have a career I enjoy and a DH, who although also has a good career, is proud of my achievements. One of my favourite moments was overhearing of the DT's trying to explain to his friend what his mummy's job was!

MrsDermotOLeary · 22/11/2014 09:22

I felt a bit like this with my husband's job. He travelled a lot, lots of meals out and evening drinks etc. I worked part time whilst juggling three small children (two at school).

Then he was massively injured. He now can't work. Nor can I since he needs care. He can no longer drive so I do all that, taking him to his many appointments.

I'm terrified about the future. We have no income, we are living on savings. It's been nearly 2 years. He's improving slowly but it will take years.

You are very fortunate.

Hoppinggreen · 22/11/2014 09:23

I know how you feel OP ( or used to)
I remember being exhausted having dealt with 2 pukey kids all night and receiving an email from DH with photos of him on a beach and a posh restaurant etc in Thailand!!!
I realised that he would actually rather have been with us at home and it wouldn't help me if he sat in his hotel room having a shit time - he had to travel so he might as well enjoy it. Also, I've travelled for business myself and it's not as good as it looks/sounds.

Fudgalisious · 22/11/2014 09:24

I know where your coming from, although I don't resent my dp, I'm incredible proud of him and happy of the opportunities he is being given but I do listen to him and feel a pang of jealousy/wistfulness that it could have been me sometimes. I've this year started a degree with the OU in the hope that when the children are older and need me less I will be able to get some sort of career that will fit with the family needs until then I just keep telling myself how important it is for me to keep things ticking over at home.

MrsDermotOLeary · 22/11/2014 09:25

Sorry, that sounds a bit harsh. I'm not having a go. It's only with the benefit of hindsight I can see how lucky I was to be able to stay at home with the children and work only very part time.

I'd give anything to have him back at work.

CQ · 22/11/2014 09:26

YANBU - I completely understand your resentment and frustration. I find it easier to justify to myself when I look at us as a team.

DH would not be able to have his high flying career, lovely home and a family life if I was not doing all the domestic stuff.

I would not be able to go shopping without worrying about money, have lunch with friends, go for long dog walks etc if he was not earning such a great salary. And I like being at home when the kids get home from school.

Having said that, I feel like my brain is dying and I am currently enrolled on the next CAB training course to start doing some volunteering which will stretch me in a way that the charity shops can't.

Ultimately I'm hoping it will give me the skills and confidence to go back to work once the kids are independent. And get me out of the house once DH retires

MeMyselfAnd1 · 22/11/2014 09:26

Oh dear, just noticed you said DP! No brainer, go back to work. If you are resenting him already, chances are you will split. The last thing you want is to find yourself alone with three children without an income to help you cope on your own (or staying in an unhappy marriage out of fear of being poor) Yeah, I know that I shouldn't making grim predictions but...

You either cure that resentment, get married (law doesn't protect you at all in your current status), or get back to work.

LittleBearPad · 22/11/2014 09:27

Go back to work if you want to. It would probably be easier part time but full time works for lots of families too. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

PacificDogwood · 22/11/2014 09:27

YAsoNBU.

Sit down with your DP and make a 5 year or 10 year plan.
Something that involves sharing responsibility for childcare and has your career development planned in.

If you don't your resentment might fester and grow legs.

Some people are well suited to staying at home and looking after young children and I think it is a hugely important and massively undervalued role.
But some people are NOT suited to it (I wasn't) - no point in pretending otherwise.

Childcare costs are family costs - not yours.
I shudder to think what we have paid for childcare we were happy with over the last 11 years , but it has allowed me to not go around the bend and to not feel resentful.

I am sure my children would like me to be at home all the time, but that's just not how it is for us.

You MUST talk about this. I agree you are very vulnerable and have no security if you are not married to your DP. What about a pension for you? Do you have other ways of saving?

NK5BM3 · 22/11/2014 09:27

Yanbu but if you want a fulfilling career (Sounds like it if you are feeling jealous of your dp) then it's best you start looking for a job now or seek to get back to your old place. Best update your cv and see if there are opportunities to retrain whilst you have the opportunity to do so (maybe 1x a week and the kids can go to daycare for that day).

I work ft. I went back to work after 6 months mat leave for both kids and dare I say they are both v well adjusted kids. There is nothing wrong with being a working mother especially if it makes you happy.

Happy mummy=happy family

sejt · 22/11/2014 09:31

nyanbu

are you married? if you split up u might not get maintenance, depending on him, i don't know him obviously. ( i didn't. you can't push water up hill. I get some now but for a long long long time I didn't. He had/hsa a great job btw.)

if your p is a decent man and you're married then tell him you need to start working at least part time and he will support that. If he just wants a slave at home becuase the figures add up (that was my x) then you're stuffed really.

Happy mother = happy family, YY.

poshfrock · 22/11/2014 09:32

Actually I think you are being very unreasonable. Presumably the decision to have 3 children and for you to stay at home was a joint one and you weren't forced into it? We have 4 kids and I've always worked full time. I have a good career which has pretty much kept pace with my husband's and in fact I now earn slightly more than him. We've always shared childcare and household responsibilities. Maybe your husband would like to be at home with the kids? Maybe he sees the travel as tiresome when he'd rather be at home with you and the children but it's the payoff for earning good money (which I assume he must do if he's supporting 5 of you on one salary )? Not sure I could "resent" someone whose work allows me the choice of staying at home to raise my children when so many women just don't have that choice.

Preciousbane · 22/11/2014 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fredfredsausagehead1 · 22/11/2014 09:33

I so feel like this all the time too!

Snapespotions · 22/11/2014 09:34

Go back to work when DC3 is at school? of course it will have to be part time... which means reduced responsibilities...

Why would it have to be part time? If you want a career, why don't you go back to work now?

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