to resent my DP's successful career?

[tostaky]

while i am stuck at home with 3 young children?
For him all the exciting opportunities, eurostar day trip, champagne and interesting discussions. ...
For me, the terrible twos, the homeworks, the tantrums, the cooking/washing/cleaning...

I am very very happy for him and he deserves his success as he works like mad.... but I just feel like a lower level human being left to deal with with the mondain things while the world pass me by...
Go back to work when DC3 is at school? of course it will have to be part time... which means reduced responsibilities...

YANBU to think his life is more exciting, it probably is especially if you are not a natural home-bird (I am not).

YABU to not have considered how to solve this before you had three children and are a SAHM! You don't just accidentally have three, accidentally not get married and accidentally just accept a part-time job as your lot. These are all family decisions and family choices and if you don't like them, now is the time to do something different (obviously can't not have the children but you can start to work).

Even worse, you won't benefit from family prosperity supporting him to work all those years if you are not married. So, you are right to be worried.

Everyone saying- but three children's childcare is a lot, yes, um, that's why I didn't have a third child, can't afford nursery costs. Sad but there we are, I don't want to scupper my career and go into debt at this time point. My friend who has a great career spaced her children out so only one was in nursery at any one time. You are right it is too expensive and politically this is very wrong, but we can only work within the system that exists and for us that has meant fewer children than if I was really wealthy and could buy in lots of help/afford fees.

YANBU.

I love my children but I could not have stayed at home with them. Six weeks into maternity leave I was out with dd2 in her pram looking for volunteering I could do.

YAbu to think this is the way you need to live though.

YANBU and YABU. Resentment is a very unhelpful emotion - so use that resentment to build something that is just for you, even if you have to start small.

Agree, YADNBU but don't play victim -marry and a job ideally, asap.

Hey op, you ok? I'm a sahm too. It's ok to have chosen it once you know and later on wonder where you are and how it came to quite the point you are at.

There's rather a lot of "buck up" "sort it aaat" advice but not much empathy.

PM me if you wish.

I think the problem is often exacerbated by the way sahms are viewed generally.
I think if it was a positive, active choice that all parents had access to, instead of being seen as the choice of the wealthy or the benefit reliant, sahms wouldn't have to apologise or justify what they do!
I've never had to justify being a wohm. Ever. But frequently fielded rude and often downright ignorant inquisitions about my status as a sahm. Stay at home Mums are seemingly fair game for criticism and judgement. The comment word factory made, about wanting to be fulfilled as a woman and not just a parent, is interesting. And again, the subtle subtext, albeit expressed implicitly, is that sahms aren't fulfilled as women. That they have a sort of half life in the shadows, taking screaming toddlers around in pushchairs, gazing wistfully into office windows and wondering when they can be themselves again. It's the underlying negativity. It's there. It exists. Parenting Is undervalued and unappreciated. It's seen as a problem to outsource. Which is fine if that's what you prefer and you have a choice.
I outsource and am happy with that.
But I don't feel more fulfilled, because my worth as a human isn't tied up in what my employer pays me.

Agree, Meech that it's part societal. Sahms should be valued for what they do. But op is saying this all herself. I'd have written your post a few yrs ago but now it is I who loojs wistfully through windows. Am shocked how quickly my confisenxe has slipped, my self-worth eroded. Things that now seem impossible i took in my stride. I apeak as someone with 2 masters and a fairly senior level career behind me.

I'd have written your post a few yrs ago but now it is I who loojs wistfully through windows. Am shocked how quickly my confisenxe has slipped, my self-worth eroded. Things that now seem impossible i took in my stride. I apeak as someone with 2 masters and a fairly senior level career behind me

There is something very sad about this. I saw the exact same thing with my own mum, unfortunately, and she regretted it bitterly. I think it's the main reason why DSis and I have always been careful to ensure that we have maintained and developed our own careers.

I don't think people are failing to empathise with the OP, so much as trying to point out that her life doesn't have to be like this.

If you want a career of your own, please find a way to go out and pursue one. Don't leave it until it's too late, like my poor mum.

oh yeh just to clarify, im in no way saying you have no value OP. You are enormously valuable. The family is a successful economic unit but you are giving more than you're receiving. The silent army isn't in it.

If you want to work, then get a job. Having 3 kids doesn't preclude also having a career.

In your position, OP, I would sit down with your DP and make a plan for your return to work. Having a SAHP works best for some families with small children, but not all. I would have HATED to be a SAHP and would have been utterly rubbish at it.

I can understand how your feel OP. I think that you have to stop thinking of the children as entirely your responsibility as they are your DP's children as much as yours. It shouldn't be the case that one person has to entirely give up their career so the other person can build theirs.

Yy to this being a wider societal problem.

OP, I hope you find this thread useful rather than abrupt or hurtful.
I don't think that there is a one-size-fits-all solution, but there is a solution for every family that works for everybody.
It does not sound like you've found that yet.

And yes, don't let resentment fester.

Op, are you ok?

Can I just reiterate what others have said. get a job or get married ideally both you are in an extremely vulnerable position. My bf was a sahm for 19yrs . She was the perfect 'wife' as well as mother to their 5 children . A charmed life, huge house, 3 foreign holidays a year... enabled his glittering career and equally massive pension pot. In may this year he left her without warning having met his 'soul mate' on one of his overseas business trips. She has nothing, no pension to show for 19 yrs hard graft holding the fought. He has agreed she can stay in his house until the children leave home (8 yrs) then shes homeless. He only has to pay her maintenance. Thats it. Nothing else. To pour salt on the wound he married OW 3 months after leaving despite 'no believing in it'. After living this nightmare with my bf for 6 months I want to write in 10 ft high letters to anyone planning children : If he/she loves you and is committed enough to make a baby then , whilst our cohabitation laws are what they are, do not begin to consider it without a marriage cert. unless you have an equal income thats not going to end when dcs arrive.