to resent my DP's successful career?

[tostaky]

while i am stuck at home with 3 young children?
For him all the exciting opportunities, eurostar day trip, champagne and interesting discussions. ...
For me, the terrible twos, the homeworks, the tantrums, the cooking/washing/cleaning...

I am very very happy for him and he deserves his success as he works like mad.... but I just feel like a lower level human being left to deal with with the mondain things while the world pass me by...
Go back to work when DC3 is at school? of course it will have to be part time... which means reduced responsibilities...

Just seen he's not your husband. Either get a job or a marriage certificate ASAP.

It all depends on whether it was a genuine 'choice' though, doesn't it?

YANBU

Children are a joint responsibility and if you want to work, you should be able to as well. What did you do pre-DC? What would you like to do now? Waiting until youngest DC in school and maybe going PT sounds very defeatist.

I recommend you tell him that you are vulnerable financially, at his mercy. He could end the relationship and you'd be hoping he stumped up for maintenance. Mind you, he has things to lose to. The family he has, he could lose it if he doesn't value it so it works both ways.

I pointed this out to my x many times but nothing changed. He wouldn't make me less vulnerable, wouldn't support me when I wanted to work, just didn't value you me. He only realised he'd cocked up massively when it was all just far too late and I'm glad now he was SO crap, if he only been a bit crap, I wouldn't be free of it all now.

oh, yeh.

Tell him you need to get married (if you love him, if not, split up obviously)
If marriage isn't on the cards then you need to be supported getting your own job and you need to get your own mortgage etc.

NO fair decent man will be unable to acknowledge that you have no property, no career, no pension, no income, no savings (?) and you have not one but three dependants ! Having been out of the workplace for a while you are very vulnerable and if he's an intelligent person he'll know that already. whether or not he CARES is your issue. If he won't make changes willingly then your life is probably going to end up being without him not with him.

I totally get what you mean.

But don'tbelieve work/champagne/Eurostar is all that glamorous. In reality it means pleasing your boss, networking with colleagues, trying to impress clients...you cannot really relax and enjoy it, as even on the Eurostar or in a restaurant with fizzy... You are actually working.

IMO corporate do's and trips sound better than they are.

I worked in that environment for long enough to know that.

Being a SAHM works for us as a family. I now work part time, no proper career, but that is fine with me. Most days.

Some days I feel overwhelmed by the mundane repetitive tasks that go on and on.

But I love spending time with my kids, having the luxury of having a doggie (and walking her).

To be fair, I was close to a burn out when the kids were small, it is HARD WORK. And at times boring. When they got older the balance shifted. Life became easier for me, and harder for DH.

Also DH is sad to always miss assembly, school play, sports day etc.

Don't make the mistake of idealising DH's work. He probably has to suck up yo bastard bosses and clients

And your life will get easier.

What work did you do before kids?

Just saw not married?!

In that case get a job, or get married.

Please.

Why should you be financially vulnerable and him holding all the cards (and money)

Whilst I don't want my DH's career ( I've tried it) and all it entails, I do want things for myself outside family life.

I want fulfilling work and to be successful in my own right.

So no, YANBU.

Yep if you really aren't married you need to fix that asap. He could walk out and leave you with nothing.

I'm currently on Maternity and hate the fact that DH gets to go to work every morning.

I find my days of being at home are repetitive and I don't feel like I have a life as such. I'm just a slave to my baby.

I can't wait to get back to work and feel like I as a person, have a purpose that doesn't involve just the baby and the house.

My DH only admitted a few years ago that every day he was grateful that he was 'allowed' to leave the house while I looked after new baby while on maternity leave.

I appreciate that work's dos are not necessarily 'fun', but having adult company and conversation, engaging your brain and the challenge that comes with a fulfilling job is very different from being at home with young children. Not better, not worse, but different and sadly it rarely is a proper 'choice' of who does what: finances will dictate what many people have to do and the still pervasive assumption that mum will stop work/reduce her hours. Oh, and of course that 'woman are more suited to look after children' and 'children need their mothers more than their fathers'. Both said by my father

mrsd hope things improve for you.

I think I had the grass is always greener thing when I was on maternity leave. Didn't really suit being a SAHM but once I was back at work, missed her like mad.....

Do you have any time together? I wonder if you resent him not being around more rather than his actual career?

oh yeh, my dad still raises his eyebrows at young men pushing buggies. By young that might be 43. Younger than him anyway. it's a bit like wearing a dress down the main street to him

If you resent he has a career then find your own. Thousands of women work and parent at the same time. Why does it have to be part time, childcare is more readily available then ever.

Unless he forced you to quit work and have three children then resenting him is wrong as he is the only earner funding you to stay home and not work.

" Add message | Report | Message poster Got99problems Sat 22-Nov-14 09:22:16
Would you want to swap? Be at work all day, and sometimes have to be away overnight, while your DP was at home with the kids? Personally I know I would be just as resentful then, thinking that DP gets to spend all his time with the DC while I work all hours to support him! Its easy to resent people who have different life experiences to you, but there are pros and cons to any situation."

This was the situation I was in as my youngest turned 2- working full time with overnight stays at least once a week. It was fine. It suited me and it may suit op

Love the way so many people think you can just go back to work full time with 3 young kids. So many jobs and professions are totally inflexible and do not cover standard 9 to 5 hours. So the cost of child care then rockets as you need evening/nighttime/weekend cover. Plus the added strain of commuting, running the household even though you aren't there, finding cover when kids are ill- if your income is eaten up by paying for people to look after your kids then it's a bit of a no brainer really. Lots of people don't have access to wider family help with childcare. Yes in an ideal world both working parents take full responsibility for child rearing but really.....

So YANBU to resent the home drudgery OP, but take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in your situation.

Would you resent him even if his work was less glamorous, ie, it paid the same money & number of hours, but involved, say, manual work or no travel?

If so, then you probably do just really miss and want that world of work.

If not then it sounds like you're abit jealous of the 'glamour' aspect of it, as being a sahm with very small dc is hardly glam!

I understand where you're coming from; I think I'd be the same. (U as that is). My dh however, has a more outdoors, manual job, and I don't envy him at all. being a lazy cow myself

yes, truth is, you'd be lucky to earn £8 an hour after a few years out of the work place with 3 young dependants. That's why he needs to support her going to work. The childcare cost will very likely outweigh the earning potential and that will be a real litmus test of your future with him. If he supports that 'deficit' then he cares about your happiness and respects your right to a life outside of the home. If it all just boils down to the bottom line of income > childcare, then you know where you stand really.

OP I hope your p gets it, values you, the family life he could lose. My x didn't and so we left (for other reasons to). if what you want doesn't matter to him, adn if he doesn't care that you're financially very vulnerable and at his mercy then you know where you stand. that's valuable info

I went back to work when ds was 10 weeks as dh cannot work due to disability so it was me working or us both living off benefits. I love working and would absolutely do my nut in as a sahm.
If he is earning so much in a high flying career he can afford to pay for childcare so you have the option of working if you want to.

What would make you happy? Maybe that isn't work. Maybe it's time to go for a run. See friends. Do something creative.

What do you want?

If you want a career you're going to have to go out and get it.

I have 2 children now teenagers and have aways worked. I have a very well paid job and friends say- oh you are so lucky- no I am hard working and I made a choice. It was my choice made freely and I don't regret it. We are lucky to have a choice- many women don't. Being educated and professional gave me a choice- either staying at home or working would have been my choice. I now have friends who have part time jobs (they cant get full time) earning a pittance as it was the only job that they could get after being at home and who are very frustrated by life. I am not lucky- I made a choice. I had to make sacrifices- SAHM have to make different sacrifices. At 1 point my childcare was more than I took home (only for a few months) but if I had stopped I would have lost a career that I had worked very hard for. There is no glory in being either a working mum or a stay at home mum. Decide what you want and then work a way out to get it. It is a partnership- you are both in this together.

If your dh is successful then can you afford a nanny and you could return to work?

I also think you should stop looking at the negative aspects of his career. Imagine how much more difficult your life would be if he wasn't successful? He is providing for his family and you do have choices. If you don't want to be a sahm then don't be!

To echo others - job, or marriage, ASAP.

You are in an extremely vulnerable position.

I'd be telling your DP, either we get married now, or you are going to be looking at going part time so both of us are equally financially protected should we split.

Right now, he's getting to build that great career and the future increased earning power and pension it brings on the back of YOUR sacrificing all the same things to raise the kids. No loss to him - if you split it's hardly going to be a case of 'well I raised the kids, they're my thing, you can't see them.' However, legally it will VERY much be a case of 'well the career is mine, all proceeds from that are mine... no I'm not going to finance you getting back into work/taking more of the house etc... we're not married, there's no onus on me to do that.'

Get married.