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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

'his' and 'my' money?

65 replies

cocktailshakerr · 08/11/2014 11:06

I've read a few threads lately where people talk about their finances as 'his' money and 'my' money...AIBU to think when you're married and have kids it should all be equal? Surely it's just family money?

It really shocks me that people can be in a marriage where one of them is considerably better off than the other one.

Recently my friend came out for a birthday meal and said her DH hadn't come because he couldn't afford it. What?!!
I will add that in their relationship money was all shared equally when she was the lower earner but now that she earns more than him, they now have separate money....ermm I wonder who's idea that was?! lol

DH and I just share money, there's no 'well I paid for such a such' or 'you owe me so much money', it's just all shared and we wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm sure one of the marriage vows is ''all that I have I share with you''?

OP posts:

ticktactoegivemeago · 08/11/2014 11:09

I don't get it either. All our money is shared, it's family money. We have online access to both accounts to move money around as and when it's needed.

It works for some people though but I'll never actually understand it.

AnythingNotEverything · 08/11/2014 11:11

I don't get it either. Equal access to leisure time and leisure money are fundamental in a healthy relationship for me.

Looks like a lack of trust of one partner valuing their contribution higher than the other. You have to be equals at home, even if you're skills aren't equally well paid.

Perfectlypurple · 08/11/2014 11:11

Our money is mostly shared. We each have an amount each month that's our own and the rest goes in the joint account.

Writerwannabe83 · 08/11/2014 11:11

Me and DH work out what all the household monthly expenditure is (bills, mortgage, shopping, pet insurance, mobile phone, petrol costs, car tax and insurance etc) and whatever the cost is we each put in half the amount - this is our joint account and covers everything practical.

Whatever is left of his wage and my wage is merged together and then split in two to give us equal money to spend on ourselves in whatever way we wish.

Wowthishurtsalot · 08/11/2014 11:12

I don't get it either but still our money is separate at Dh's insistence

MagicMojito · 08/11/2014 11:12

I think that different set ups work for different people. I couldn't live like that but I can totally see why other people may prefare to live that way. Different strokes and all that

purplemurple1 · 08/11/2014 11:13

We earn similar amounts, do equal childcare, pay equal amounts into the joint account and then spend our left overs as we want too. Oh has an expensive hobby which he would prefer to do than go out. So sometimes I can afford things that he can't and vice versa.
Yabu to think everyone has to arrange their finances in the way that works for you.

Lucked · 08/11/2014 11:14

I find it truly odd as well more like housemates with benefits rather than a family.

Original poster

cocktailshakerr · 08/11/2014 11:14

That's exactly what we do ticktactoegivemeago. Some bills come out of my account, some out of his, if one account is getting low I'll move money from the other.

OP posts:

needaholidaynow · 08/11/2014 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jubilantia · 08/11/2014 11:19

Just because you have your money and my money, it doesn't mean you don't share or that you 'owe' each other money. DH and I have Y and M money and have no problem with it because at a higher level, it is our money.

We are both self-employed and I file tax and vat returns on the basis of bank receipts and payments. DH runs a company. We pay into a joint account for direct debits but other than that have no access to each other's money. DH earns vastly more than me so has more cash at his disposal but everything major that money is used for, i.e. property, is ours. I can buy whatever I want with my money without running it by anyone, and so can he although common sense dictates that if it is a big purchase, we would both be involved.

I am a terrible spendthrift, DH grew up poor and is always thinking of the pennies. We are not financially compatible so really it's best not to try and force the issue.

lornemalvo · 08/11/2014 11:21

I think it is more for people who are like to live quite separately. If you have 'your' money and they have 'their' money then you are thinking of yourselves as 2 separate individuals and not a family.

marne2 · 08/11/2014 11:21

We have separate accounts, I think if I had access to too much money I would probably spend it, it's still 'our money' though and if we need anything then we decide which account to use to buy it, we both pay for bills ( half and half ). I have never felt the need for a join account. I don't think it's odd.

WidowWadman · 08/11/2014 11:21

We have a shared account and a personal account each. It's important for us to keep that bit of independence where we can use our own spending money on whatever we like without needing the other's approval. Also means that if I buy my husband a present, it is from me and not just a joint expense (and same when he buys one for me).
That said, things like meals out together often are paid for by the joint.

Original poster

cocktailshakerr · 08/11/2014 11:23

We both have children from previous relationships so I think if we had separate money it could end up being a case of 'i'm not paying for that because he/she isn't mine', well neither of us would actually say or think that but I would hate to feel like he was paying for my DS, but when money is split equally it eliminates that problem.

Just out of interest - those who do have separate money, what do you do about meals out, days out, things for the kids etc?

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 08/11/2014 11:24

There is no right or wrong, whatever suit both of you. We have separate finances, I am a STAHM and dh works, he gives me a certain amount each month, and I get paid CB and dd DLA into my account. My budgeting is awful and I have gotten into trouble financially in the past, dh is worried about this so hence separate finances. He pays mortgage, utilities and food. It works for us.

User434565888 · 08/11/2014 11:24

We have a joint account for all household costs and bills (mortgage, utilities, insurances, food, etc.) which we pay into each month. What we contribute is worked out so it's the same proportion of our earnings (DH earns a lot more than me).

What's left over is then ours to spend as we wish. Sometimes we'll go halves on a night out, if one is more flush than the other we'll 'treat' the other one.

I never wanted to be in a situation where someone else could question and nitpick what I spend of my own money, and there is a safety net in having sole access and control of some funds (no reason to think I'd need this after 15 years of marriage, but I promised myself I'd always have this)

Different things work for different people. If your other half has a tendency to blow cash on crap every month having a limited personal budget is a good idea so they aren't eating into 'family' money. DH doesn't do this, but I do have a friend whose DH blew most of her months salary on top of his own on more than one occasion. Separate accounts would have saved her a lot of grief...

MrsPiggie · 08/11/2014 11:24

Sure, money should be joint, but I totally get the "he can't afford to go out" bit - if each gets an equal amount of spending money and I choose to spend it on expensive shoes and DH chooses to spend it on going out then of course I won't be able to afford to go out for a meal but he will. It makes sense and it's got nothing to do with unequal distribution of finances.

Vitalstatistix · 08/11/2014 11:24

I don't understand it either. You share a home and a life with someone, you sleep with them, you have kids with them, but you guard your money from them? I also don't understand why it's a big deal to open post and all that.

But then I give myself a slap and remind myself that it's got bugger all to do with me and as long as both of them are truly happy with it and it works for them, then it's fine and that I don't need to understand it, just accept that what is right for me is not right for everyone and my choices are only right for me, not right full stop.

I think if someone has been left high and dry in a previous relationship, that can make them want to keep their money as they see it as an escape route. However, when money is used to control or one of them is really unhappy or it is actually financial abuse, then that is very wrong.

Follyfoot · 08/11/2014 11:24

We dont have a joint account, never have and probably never will. DH earns more than me now but in the past I earned more than him. Whoever has the most puts more towards things.

Its very relaxed and we dont worry about making sure we having an equal amount of spending money every month because its never an issue. If DH is flush, he pays for our treats, if its a month when he has a lot of bills (VAT, income tax etc) then I would pay more. Works really well for us. There isnt a right or wrong way.

Nomama · 08/11/2014 11:24

We thought we were just being normal with money, until DH had a chat with friends after a meal out turned into WWIII for some.

We have separate accounts that our wages are paid into and a joint account that all bills come out of.

Every month I pay off the credit cards, check the balance of the joint account, leave the amount he needs in his account and the amount I need in mine and put anything over into savings.

He needs more than me, he works away and often has to wait a while until receipts go through. So his monthly living amount is almost double mine, based on need. If we want to spend more it goes on a card and I make sure money is shuffled round to pay it off. And of course, some of his living amount comes back in his next pay packet!

But what we have never done is split money in half or paid half the bills and what is left over is ours etc. That has always seemed weird to me but is, apparently, what all of our friends do. None of them have totally mixed pots of money, they all have his and hers accounts!

What this meant for the meal out was that one couple couldn't come as a couple as she had bought something and had no money left. He came on his own. When asked where she was he was really matter of fact about it, she couldn't afford to come - they have been married for about 20 years. It started an argument, the men thought it was a bit mean of him not have 'treated' her or lent her the money, the women were furious that their DHs could think that way.

We left them to it. It was really heated and unpleasant.

But it started us thinking: how odd is our arrangement? Are we the odd ones out really? If so it is one area of life I am happy to be labelled 'weird'.

CrohnicallyAnxious · 08/11/2014 11:26

DH and I share all necessary living expenses (bills, supermarket shopping, car maintenance seeing as we need our cars for work). But we both have an equal cash sum for our own leisure use. DH tends to spend all his in one go whereas I ration mine to last the month. In more cynical moments I think maybe he does it on purpose, but I think he really is just crap with money, hence why we use cash (he overspends if he uses a card)

So I can see us being in the same position as the OP's friend- why should I miss out on a meal because he spent his money on a playstation game or similar? Or why should I forgo all treats for the rest of the month to pay for DH to eat out, so he gets his game AND a meal, and I just get the meal? Especially when it's not a one off but he does it month after month.

Original poster

cocktailshakerr · 08/11/2014 11:28

Also means that if I buy my husband a present, it is from me and not just a joint expense
yeh that it is one problem we have with sharing money, buying the other one a present is totally pointless and neither of us have had birthday or christmas presents off the other one for a couple of years now.

We don't really have much money left over once bills and essentials have been paid so we don't really have any money to spend on ourselves, apart from the occasional night out which is usually together.

DH doesn't buy his own clothes either, I buy them because he hates shopping.

OP posts:

DoJo · 08/11/2014 11:29

There's no 'should' about it - so long as both people are happy with financial arrangements then whatever works for each individual couple/family is fine. Some people have very good reasons for keeping their finances separate (children from previous relationships, running their own business etc) so it makes sense for them to keep things separate.
In the situation you describe I would say that the money issue is a symptom of a bigger problem rather than the cause of one.

Taz1212 · 08/11/2014 11:30

I don't even know how much DH earns which always causes people here to respond with the smilie.

We used to pool our money but tax complications around my (then) US citizenship made us separate them. DH pays the day to day bills. I pick up the large one off expenses (school fees, holidays, home improvements etc). We use our own money on personal expenses.

It works for us.

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