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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'his' and 'my' money?

65 replies

cocktailshakerr · 08/11/2014 11:06

I've read a few threads lately where people talk about their finances as 'his' money and 'my' money...AIBU to think when you're married and have kids it should all be equal? Surely it's just family money?

It really shocks me that people can be in a marriage where one of them is considerably better off than the other one.

Recently my friend came out for a birthday meal and said her DH hadn't come because he couldn't afford it. What?!!
I will add that in their relationship money was all shared equally when she was the lower earner but now that she earns more than him, they now have separate money....ermm I wonder who's idea that was?! lol

DH and I just share money, there's no 'well I paid for such a such' or 'you owe me so much money', it's just all shared and we wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm sure one of the marriage vows is ''all that I have I share with you''?

OP posts:
purplemurple1 · 08/11/2014 11:32

We have a joint account that covers bills etc and also days out, holidays, meals out - so basically all family costs. And then have our own accounts with equal monthly amounts for our own costs - hobbies, personal clothes shopping etc.
We have similar attitudes to money but also had our own savings and investments when we met and want to keep that separate.

Taz1212 · 08/11/2014 11:32

It does annoy me, however, when DH steals any £5 notes I may have to pay for his football! Grin

jubilantia · 08/11/2014 11:33

I really hate it when this debate comes up on here and people seem to be scratching their heads over something that is so self-evident.

Either you're in a financially abusive relationship or you're not.

Separate accounts does not mean any lack of trust or togetherness - we look to our future together and it is completely irrelevant that we have separate accounts. It's just a way of doing the same thing. I don't guard my money. If DH needed to pay for something out of my money he would just ask me, and me him. If I want something and can't afford it, I send DH a link and he gets it, provided we can afford it.

LightastheBreeze · 08/11/2014 11:37

We share all our money but if I was going for a meal and DH wasn't particularly interested, he wouldn't want to afford it because he would see that money better spent on one of his hobbies, so perhaps he meant that. In fact DH would use it as an excuse not to go.

Vivacia · 08/11/2014 11:41

Would anyone see this scenario differently?

My sister-in-law has been with her partner about 10 years. They are unmarried and there are no children. They have a mortgage and house together. She earns about 4 times what he earns. They just have "our money".

Original poster
cocktailshakerr · 08/11/2014 11:42

Sure, money should be joint, but I totally get the "he can't afford to go out" bit - if each gets an equal amount of spending money and I choose to spend it on expensive shoes and DH chooses to spend it on going out then of course I won't be able to afford to go out for a meal but he will. It makes sense and it's got nothing to do with unequal distribution of finances.

In the case of my friend's DH couldn't afford to come for the meal it was because he was earning considerably less than her at the time and even said that to the whole group ''yeh he couldn't afford to come, it's really hard for him at the moment because I earn about £700 pcm more than him so I'm going out all the time and he can't afford to''. That's just pretty shit and if tables were turned (or should I say when they were turned) she would/did expect her DH to split everything equally.

OP posts:
notinagreatplace · 08/11/2014 11:42

I think it's rare to have totally separate finances, I think most people when they talk about "his" money and "my" money are talking about having separate accounts for personal spending money. I don't see the big deal about that, it's personal preference. We have a joint account, a joint mortgage, joint savings but also personal accounts and personal savings - is that separate finances or joint finances? I don't understand why people get judgey about it.

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye · 08/11/2014 11:44

Meh.

We have personal accounts and then a joint one for household bills which we pay into. I like having my own bank account. Same as I like having my own clothes, toothbrush and hobbies.

Being in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you merge into one person. You can still love someone and keep things separate.

Hmm
KingJoffreysBloodshotEye · 08/11/2014 11:51

That said, I do know a couple with a mahoosive difference in income (£6K vs £50K - seriously).

They have separate accounts. He 'gives' her about £300 per month to buy ALL of their food, clothes for the children, toiletries and school stuff.

The children wear stuff from Aldi while he swans around in John Rocha. She wears stuff passed on from her sister or really old clothes from when she had a full time job.

If he does buy her something from his vast personal account she'll gush all over FB about how 'good' he is to her.

I find that a bit odd. I think he should help her out more. The only reason she can only work part-time is because she has to have his dinner on the table, has to look after his dogs and flatly refuses to do ant housework.

Alisvolatpropiis · 08/11/2014 11:51

I don't really want all funds to be pooled into one.

There is shared money but then we have "our money".

Original poster
cocktailshakerr · 08/11/2014 11:54

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye we do have separate accounts, you can be financially equal and share money without sacrificing independence.

OP posts:
FamiliesShareGerms · 08/11/2014 11:55

We have one account where we both get paid and we pay all the bills, fun stuff, everything out if it. Simples.

I have a credit card just in my name as a back up plan in case I ever need it. As a pp said, I doubt I ever will but I promised myself I would have a safety net

SaucyJackOLantern · 08/11/2014 11:57

We have separate accounts. He's a spendthrift, and I'm a tightarse so it works for us. We each pay for different stuff (him- phone, me- gas for ex) out of our own accounts and neither of us are worse of than the other.

jubilantia · 08/11/2014 11:57

It's hardly news that some people are twats though.

Joe3578 · 08/11/2014 12:00

It depends I think. I think it's ok to have your own accounts, but money should be shared whenever necessary.

Original poster
cocktailshakerr · 08/11/2014 12:02

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye omg that is shocking! he sounds like a total cock!
Just our food bill alone comes in at around £300pcm!
My friend used to be with a similar guy though, she did earn a fairly decent wage but he earned considerably more. He paid their joint mortgage but childcare, food, clothes for DS came out of her account. He was walking around in designer clothes whilst she was wearing clothes she'd had for years. Then when they split up he turned round and said that he had let her live in his house. He was very financially abusive.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 08/11/2014 12:04

I don't think there's any right or wrong way. The key issue is whether both parties are happy with whatever arrangement they have.

With me and DH, money is just money and it all goes into the same account.

But that's no to say it's the right or the wrong way.

jubilantia · 08/11/2014 12:08

As far as I can see it's very simple to have joint money if you don't have much money to worry about.

theposterformallyknownas · 08/11/2014 12:08

all our money is joint money. I am a sahm and dh is the bread winner.
We have separate accounts and share the bills between the 2 accounts.
We don't even have our own money really. I don't count what's in my account as mine and he doesn't count what's in his account as his.

ToodlesMcToodles · 08/11/2014 12:14

I don't get the separate money thing either though lot's of my friends do it.

All our money is in a shared account for day to day things and we have some savings in individual accounts which are used for shared big purchases or holidays. Maybe it works because most of our money is spent on the house, petrol, food and the DC's. If we eat out it tends to be together as a family.

I think it's because DH and I are similar in our spending habits and trust each other not to take the piss. I imagine if he was out spending on luxury things for himself constantly then I would have a different view.

Sometimes I'm out with friends or want to go to a show, sometimes he needs things for his hobby, it's no big deal.

We're in it together and both work our backsides off so we can have a nice family life.

CaptainJaneSafeway · 08/11/2014 12:18

Yes we have different incomes (I work pt and pick up a load of the slack re childcare, as DP often has to do longer hours). We pay into a joint account such that we both have an equal amount left over for ourselves. So, he pays vastly more in, but both of us are left with a bit for buying our own clothes and treats, nights out, saving, buying presents for each other and so on.

This is fair - he earns more, but I do a lot of hard unpaid work that he would otherwise have to do or pay for. We both have the same amount of spending money so there's no imbalance in what we can afford to do. But I like having my own account and total freedom in how I spend my money.

So for example I don't need any more boots this winter but I'm considering splurging £130 on a pair because I want them. I don't want to have to talk to DP about that or explain why. It's my decision, my money, I can choose to go something else, if that's what it takes but it doesn't affect the joint finances.

CaptainJaneSafeway · 08/11/2014 12:18

go without something else

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 08/11/2014 12:21

Maybe they have a completely 50/50 split of spending money and he had already spent his on Star Wars figures, or beer. In that case it's fair to say he can't afford it. When one partner is more spendthrift than the other it seems reasonable to divide spends down the middle and when the profligate one has spent theirs it wouldn't be fair for the savvier one to sub them all the time.

RandomFriend · 08/11/2014 12:23

I don't get it either. Ours is family money.

Agree about the present-buying, though. In this case, a present has to be a surprise or alternatively something that is bought whilst on a trip somewhere, so something that the other couldn't have bought.

Fluffyears · 08/11/2014 12:29

We have separate accounts as we had these before we lived together, we have a newer joint account that we both pay half of all bills and food budget to and the rest is ours. He earns more than me but pays for the car as he uses it all week and I commute by train. I have an old debt I'm paying off and would find it unfair to ask him to fund that from a shared pot. I actually think it's weird to have this 'our money' thing, do you have to ask for him to agree you can spend money on yourself etc? No ta I likes our way.