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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mil not respecting my rules

61 replies

Doubtfuldaphne · 05/11/2014 20:48

I'll probably get flamed for this but my three year old still has a bottle of milk at night and in the morning. I have no problem with it.
Dd recently went to stay with mil and dd told me that she didn't get a drink because mil said dd is too old for bottles now.
There was no alternative given!
She also had no lunch. When she got back at 5pm she was starving and thirsty.
Dh is so protective over mil he wouldn't want to upset her and we've had counselling over this issue. He hasn't changed though.
I'm going I have to speak to mil next time dd goes to stay aren't i?
She only stays one night every half term so it's not too often

OP posts:

BeeRayKay · 05/11/2014 20:51

Or alternatively you could give your daughter her drinks out of a cup? and why didnt she have lunch? personally, yeah I think yabu

WooWooOwl · 05/11/2014 20:51

Surely it won't be that long before you stop giving a three year old two bottles a day, so maybe you could miss a visit in the Feb half term, and by the time the next one comes along, it might be a non issue.

Weird that your dd didn't get lunch though, was there a reason for that? Does that usually happen?

YoSaffBridge · 05/11/2014 20:54

As another one who's nearly 3yo still has the same bottles, it's not ideal. However I think for one day it's not a disaster, as the milk's more comfort for them now than it was when they were little. I'd be a bit pissed off, though. It's not your MIL's place to make decisions like that, and certainly not to just say 'no milk' rather than at least trying to get her to drink out of something else.

The lunch thing is a bit weird. Were they just sticking to adult meal times and so your DD sort of accidentally missed out?

Only1scoop · 05/11/2014 20:54

Did you ask them why she had no lunch? At 3 dd would come home from nursery saying she had no lunch....it wasn't always the case. I'd send her with a water bottle next time and remind them to give her plenty of drinks....

The bottle thing I'd let go as she stays there so little. By the time she stays there next perhaps she won't be having bottles still anyway.

Smartiepants79 · 05/11/2014 20:55

Why didn't she get lunch?
I agree with your MIL about her being too old for bottle really BUT that's not her call to make and on the odd occaision she has her she should just follow her usual routine. She also should have offered milk in a cup if she really disagreed with the bottles.

Sirzy · 05/11/2014 20:56

The no lunch would bother me. The not giving a bottle wouldn't.

Kalinka16 · 05/11/2014 20:57

Hmm, my almost 5yo still has 2 drinks of milk a day and I'm happy to continue with it.

I would speak to MIL for next time just to make sure you're on the same page...

quietlysuggests · 05/11/2014 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Idontseeanysontarans · 05/11/2014 21:00

Well you won't get a flaming from me for the bedtime bottle, 2 of mine had them until they were nearly 3
I would consider the morning milk in either a sippy cup or a doidy cup soonish though.
Anyway. This has very little to do with one day if you've had counselling about it and your DH really needs to step up and support you. I'm thinking that this is an ongoing issue that's quite common if you look at MIL threads on here - the MIL assuming command of the grandchildren and trying to become the Matriarch?
I had one myself for a while, we get on great now but it took nearly 10 years to get this far.
You need to take it up again with DH. Tell him that if she can't respect you as a mother then she won't be trusted with your DC alone and stick to it. Tell him he needs to have your back.
The decision to stop bottles isn't hers to make, it's yours and your DH's. A united front will upset her but it will drive the message home.

LadyCybilCrawley · 05/11/2014 21:00

Whether or not she should have a bottle or can miss a bottle is distracting I think - the real issue is MIL ignoring your routine and imposing her own ("my judgement is better than yours so I'll do what I want")

The conversation is about respect and about consistency for your child

Otherwise this will be painful later with more important matters

redskybynight · 05/11/2014 21:02

If I sent my 3 year old to her grandparents I would expect them to provide meals as appropriate. I wouldn't expect to specify what the food was (unless allergies). If my child decided not to eat what was offered ( or MIL stuff them full of cake and chocolate ) I would just go with it.

As long as food was offered at suitable intervals I don't see a problem with no milk. do have a problem with no lunch if it's a question of nothing being offered. If it was offered and your 3 year old decided not to eat it, then no issues.

Original poster

Doubtfuldaphne · 05/11/2014 21:19

I've been told she had croissants for breakfast which was pretty early. He left at lunchtime to go to her aunties house. There was no lunch there apart from a pudding which he didn't like then she left for the journey home which is quite a long drive.
I even packed food just in case and it was untouched in the boot of the car!
these people don't seem to eat properly at proper times!
Next time I'm just going to casually mention - or better, get Dh to mention what she has - and when. I'm sure Dh will say I'm being ott but if it means I know dd will be properly looked after then it is important.
At least dd doesn't go there a lot.. If she did I'd be a lot more upset by this than I am right now

OP posts:

notagainffffffffs · 05/11/2014 21:23

You dont havr to send her you know ;) maybe try once more and telephone at meal times to prompt her. If she still is letting her go hungry id stop all day visits

DoughnutSelfie · 05/11/2014 21:25

Tbh not feeding a child or ensuring they are hydrated is pretty awful

Don't send your daughter there unaccompanied again

MIL might protest but she has shown she isn't up to caring adequately for your daughter

If you don't fancy out right confrontation ("I don't trust you") then there are a hundred and one reasons why sleepovers can't happen (party that weekend/swimming lessons will be starting/family haircuts booked) - just keep putting her off, airily in an "oh I think there are plans that week/weekend" way

26Point2Miles · 05/11/2014 22:45

Your 'rules'? Why are they rules?

CatHackney · 05/11/2014 23:22

Failing to feed a child is quite serious - I'd be appalled. But, my MIL and DM do more or less as I instruct - and I give detailed explanations of what my toddler should be given to eat.

I can understand your MIL taking issue with the bottles, but that is irritating, whereas failing to give proper food and drink at regular intervals is unacceptable.

meltedmonterayjack · 06/11/2014 07:32

I agree that dd not having lunch is not acceptable at all.

If you aren't happy about her being in your MILs care because you can't be sure she will receive adequate food/drink, then I really wouldn't let her stay over for now.

Fairylea · 06/11/2014 07:38

It would annoy me too op. Your child, your rules. If your child is expecting a bottle because that's what you normally do and there is no reason why they shouldn't have one (ie bottle not available etc) then to deny it for the sake of it is just mean.

And of course they should have given lunch!! It's bordering on cruel not to. Who on earth has a child for the day and doesn't ensure they have enough to eat?

Chopchopbusybusy · 06/11/2014 07:43

I'm a bit confused. Was your DH there? If he was then surely it was up to him to make sure your DD was fed. Did he take your DD to his sister's house? And he had food in the car boot?
I agree with your MIL about the bottles.

PicaK · 06/11/2014 08:03

Hang on. Is this a misunderstanding on timing? If she was there on a Sunday when your mil has eaten at say 3pm for the last 25 years then I'd cut her some slack. But if your DH was there and so idiotic he didn't factor in the fact your dd would need to eat before he left then he is your problem not your mil. Not giving the bottle is mad tho. I don't think it's a good idea myself but if you left me in charge of your kid I wouldn't take it upon myself to show you how to do it properly - I think I'd be in the minority tho as it seems to be a common trait.

Rinkydinkypink · 06/11/2014 08:07

3 year old drinking out of a bottle! Well that's it the world is about to collapse

Seriously who cares what you mil thinks! Your baby, your rules. As for no lunch well you DH needs to wake up and smell the coffee.

Of cause a 3 year old is going to want food. They never stop and in my experience are mainly starving.

I'm with you op. I'd not be amused!

LittleBairn · 06/11/2014 08:10

YANBU regardless of her opinions over the bottle its not her place to decide.
I would be far more concerned about that all your 3 year old was given to eat was a croissant for the whole day. It also sounds like she didn't give him much to drink too.
That is unacceptable I wouldn't allow her to care for your DS for that reason alone.

Petallic · 06/11/2014 08:10

YANBU - the specifics of a routine and requests such as a bottle before bed are irrelevant. MIL shouldn't be imposing her own views on when your child should stop using a bottle. And as you have mentioned that you and DP have already had disagreements and counselling over this, then your MIL presumably has form for this kind of thing?

But I have the same problem with my MIL - such as not giving calpol as she doesn't believe in it. Luckily my DP is supportive but like others have already suggested, perhaps limit her unsupervised visits if you can't trust her (which is what we had to do in the end).

BlueberryWafer · 06/11/2014 08:19

How do you know no alternative was offered? If I was looking after my 3yo nephew and he still had a bottle of milk I would say it's a cup at mine or nothing, kids have different rules for different places and at 3 a bottle isn't a necessity.

skylark2 · 06/11/2014 08:23

"dd told me that she didn't get a drink because mil said dd is too old for bottles now.
There was no alternative given!"

No alternative given or no alternative taken?

Your 3yo needs to learn to drink from a cup.

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