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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Mil not respecting my rules

61 replies

Doubtfuldaphne · 05/11/2014 20:48

I'll probably get flamed for this but my three year old still has a bottle of milk at night and in the morning. I have no problem with it.
Dd recently went to stay with mil and dd told me that she didn't get a drink because mil said dd is too old for bottles now.
There was no alternative given!
She also had no lunch. When she got back at 5pm she was starving and thirsty.
Dh is so protective over mil he wouldn't want to upset her and we've had counselling over this issue. He hasn't changed though.
I'm going I have to speak to mil next time dd goes to stay aren't i?
She only stays one night every half term so it's not too often

OP posts:
MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 06/11/2014 08:24

This would annoy me too, op and just sort of thing my mil would've done. Blatantly ignoring my simple instructions because she thought they were ridiculous.

Passthecake30 · 06/11/2014 08:28

My MIL also doesn't appreciate my rules (copious amounts of sweets half an hour before dinner to tide them over, biscuits for breakfast) but I've just decided to let her have the fall out. ..ie hyper kids who won't eat her lovingly cooked dinner. I'd let the bottle thing go at hers so long as ut doesn't cause distress but ask if dd had any lunch, as she could possibly have forgotten and you just "wondered"

hippo123 · 06/11/2014 08:29

How do you know your dd didn't have lunch? Maybe they didn't have a bottle of milk but instead had a cup?

plannedshock · 06/11/2014 08:33

Er surely the bottle issue is down to the parent, if they are happy giving a bottle then everyone else should respect that! I would be really annoyed, really annoyed. Especially providing a packed lunch

Idontseeanysontarans · 06/11/2014 09:03

OP the only opinion on bottles that matters is yours and your DH - if a person couldn't follow one simple instruction wrt to giving a child something like a bottle like they're used to I personally wouldn't trust them to have the brains to look after my child.

lurkerspeaks · 06/11/2014 09:20

Surely there should be an element of grandma's house, grandma's rules?

When I was small granny's house was the place we got to eat biscuits in bed, have warm milk and chocolate for breakfast. I'm sure my Mother wasn't delighted but in the great scheme of things it didn't matter.

Was it truly no alternative offered or no alternative taken? I had my friends kids yesterday and her daughter didn't eat much of that through she had chosen it. I also unxpectedlyhadto provide dinner (so it came from my freezer and was a bit random) so not much of that got eaten either. I tried to provide other things without pushing it that I know she likes but they also went untouched, I would be v. Cross if my friend said I didn't feed her.

If a drink was provided in a cup then I don't really see the issue - babying bottles at home. Grown up cup at granny's?

I think you aren't really cross about the non feeding thing but about the failure to respect your rules.

Also don't forget that your MIL is in all likelihood out of the habit of thinking "small child" so may not be tuned into snacks/kiddy popular food etc. I'm not and I certainly don't have cupboards full of appropriate snacks if the ones I do have are being rejected...

My friend is wise though, her kids know there are different rules in different houses so they will not expect to get the stuff they get here at home!

BlueberryWafer · 06/11/2014 10:09

Idontseeany the brains to look after your child?! You do realise this mil "had the brains" to bring up the man you've decided to have children with...

BarbarianMum · 06/11/2014 10:18

Failing to feed/water a child is a massive issue. If they'd just given him milk in a cup instead of a bottle that would be fine though. Dn had milk in a bottle til age 6 - but not at my house.

ZingOfSeven · 06/11/2014 10:30

failing to provide lunch is obviously not on so call her today and clarify this issue, don't wait a day.
you need to know why your daughter didn't eat lunch

no bottle in bed - not her call, so I would ask her why she refused to do it.

In these situations I find it's best to ask questions and give the other person a chance to explain their side of the story instead of making your own assumptions.
you want a discussion, you want facts so ask your MIL to tell you what exactly happened and why.
it all might be perfectly innocent or hideously nasty or something in between - at least you'll know and will be able to act accordingly.

I'm sorry your DD was upset. Thanks extra cuddles today

Mehitabel6 · 06/11/2014 11:07

If you leave them with someone else you can't expect to have control-they will do it their way. If you are really unhappy then don't leave her with MIL.

ZingOfSeven · 06/11/2014 11:26

Mehita

leaving a child hungry is not "their way".

what normal, responsible adult wouldn't not give a child lunch?!
(Op didn't mention sudden illness or special dietary requirements so I assume her DD is healthy and would've had lunch at home)

ZingOfSeven · 06/11/2014 11:27

*wouldn't give

not double negative, sorry for useless typo

Onesipmore · 06/11/2014 11:34

The issue of the bottle is imaterial. Thats up to OP and that kind of isnt the point, thats her choice. The person at fault here is Mil who didnt offer her an alternative or anything to eat, neither of which are great.

oldgrandmama · 06/11/2014 11:40

My youngest grandchild is four and a half, often comes for 'sleep-overs', which she, my daughter and her husband, and I, absolutely love. And while I read her a bed-time story or two, she enjoys her milk - in a cup now, but was in a bottle up to two years ago. I think your MIL should give her milk, preferably in a cup. As for missing lunch, I wonder what happened there? Might it have been that she was offered lunch, but didn't eat it, hence was so hungry when she was home?

BlueberryWafer · 06/11/2014 13:30

Sorry but you are taking a 3 year olds word that nothing else was offered and she had no lunch. Could it not be that she was offered milk in a cup and said "you're too old for a bottle" but didn't want it in the cup and that translated as "Grandma didn't give me any milk she said I'm too big" (granted it's not really her place to make that call, but her house her rules and all that) and if she didn't like what was for lunch and refused to eat it she would tell you "Grandma never gave me lunch".

diddl · 06/11/2014 13:37

"He left at lunchtime to go to her aunties house. There was no lunch there apart from a pudding which he didn't like then she left for the journey home which is quite a long drive."

So was your husband with your daughter?

"I'm going I have to speak to mil next time dd goes to stay aren't i?"

Or just not send her if you don't think that she is being properly looked after.

Tinkerball · 06/11/2014 13:38

Your last post is confusing, are you referring to your DH when you say he? And not sure what you mean either untouched food in the car - is this your DH you are referring to then that didn't feed your Dd??

Davsmum · 06/11/2014 13:40

Your DD was not 'starving' - she was hungry. I hate it when people use unnecessary dramatic language.
Your DH could have fed your DD before coming home.

ZingOfSeven · 06/11/2014 13:40

blueberry

what you said occurred to me too.

which is why I suggested to talk to the grandma and ask questions so both sides have a chance to be heard. and ask her now, not at Christmas or next Feb!

if the relationship betwen OP and her MIL is reasonable and she trust her with her DD for a sleepover I would probably take the adults word over a 3-year-old's.
else I think I wouldn't have let my child be in her care in the first place.

lljkk · 06/11/2014 13:44

I need a better picture of what the child ate when. There is NO Way my 3yr olds could get thru the whole day to 5pm on only a few early morning croissants. 3 yr olds are whingy creatures at best of times, never mind when hungry. Trying to starve one would be like tempting one's self to commit homicide.

wheresthelight · 06/11/2014 13:49

Not giving her the bottle is a non issue. not giving her anything to drink is neglectful. as for not feeding her lunch well frankly imo that is abusive.

DO NOT let these people near your child unsupervised for her sake!! and if your dh refuses to back you up or deal with his mother in spite if counselling then I suggest you reconsider your relationship because if he won't protect your dd over an issue like this what makes you sure he will protect over a more serious issue?

Mehitabel6 · 06/11/2014 14:09

Why would anyone leave their child with a person who wasn't 'a normal responsible adult' ZingOfSeven? Confused

BlueberryWafer · 06/11/2014 14:10

Wheresthelight slightly extreme... What happened to good old fashioned communication?!

Chunderella · 06/11/2014 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ApocalypseThen · 06/11/2014 14:21

I'm struggling to accept that a child wouldn't be offered anything at all to eat all afternoon. I think it's a mangled telling from a very small child who shouldn't really be expected to give a completely realistic version of events.

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