Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

WIBU to just let nursery toilet train DS?

74 replies

NotSayingImBatman · 02/11/2014 10:20

Let me start by saying that if you want to tell me that all children should be potty/toilet trained by three weeks old and that's what happened with all of your DCs in spite of you having eleven under three or some such nonsense, please just don't.

I have really bad PND. DS2 is 15 weeks old and I thought it was getting better but about three weeks ago I had a major relapse and now consider myself lucky to get through a day with only one panic attack. I have zero patience with either child and often have to leave the room when one or the other has pushed me to my limit.

DS1 is 2.10 and everyone, is starting to suggest he's old enough to toilet train. He sometimes asks to sit on the loo and has occasionally had a wee in it. So this morning I put him in pants - he promptly pissed all over the couch and me.

So, he's straight back in a nappy because I can't deal with that without wanting to scream at him, and if he did it several times a day I WOULD scream at/punish him.

I will be going back to work in the new year, just after he turns three, and both DSs will be going to nursery full time. WIBtotallyU to leave it until then and let them do the bulk of it?

OP posts:

DeadCert · 02/11/2014 10:22

Well, you wouldn't be unreasonable as such. However, you are going to need an element of patience to support the process at home.

Are you getting help for your PND?

R4roger · 02/11/2014 10:23

no, they can help you in your efforts, but there will be accidents whatever happens.
are you having treatment for PND?
are there other occasions when you scream?

Chippednailvarnish · 02/11/2014 10:24

Do whatever works for you best, but be aware that the way they do at nursery will have to be followed at home. Eg. You can't put him in nappies at the weekend, just because its easier for you.

Is there a reason your partner can't help? What happens if your not well enough to return to work?

R4roger · 02/11/2014 10:25

on the other hand, have you asked the nursery?

CrashDiveOnMingoCity · 02/11/2014 10:25

Unfortunately, I don't think it's going to work. He won't be spending enough time there for it to make a difference.

I appreciate this is hard for you. Are you receiving any support for managing your depression?

VashtaNerada · 02/11/2014 10:26

My DS is only slightly younger than yours and I was planning to wait a bit biut nursery are positively insisting on potty training him now and have offered to completely lead on it. They've said I can drop him off in a nappy each day and they'll put him into pants and do the hard bit! It seems a bit weird as I'd expected to lead on it myself when I'm off work over Christmas but perhaps they feel that nappy changing is more of a pain than a few accidents?? Anyway, I hope you're getting support for PND.

LuckyLopez · 02/11/2014 10:28

I'm a cm and whilst I'm happy to carry on port training, I won't start it. I don't want my sofa pissed on any more than you do.

Never had a problem, most parents start over a weekend or week's holiday and we are good to go by the time they come to me.

Caillou · 02/11/2014 10:30

If you are not feeling good right now, leave it for now.

Boys are trained later than girls, and I think the longer you wait, the easier it will be.

If I did listen to people around me, I should have put dd on the potty daily from the age of 12months old.

Do what works best for you

Roomba · 02/11/2014 10:30

Well I don't think YABU. That's pretty much what I did with DS 1 (not through choice as such, just he was in nursery full time as I had to work long hours at that point which I hated). Obviously you will have to help with it at home too, but it is much less stressful to do this for a couple of hours a day instead of spending 12 hours a day being weed on. My DS1 was simply not ready before 3.2, then cracked it within 2 weeks and was dry at night soon after. I say go for it as it will also help when he sees other kids doing it. Just try no to stress about the increased washloads for a week (or few).

RaisingMen · 02/11/2014 10:30

No. It is not their job to toilet train your child, it is their job to support you while you do it.

Are you getting help for your PND?

LuckyLopez · 02/11/2014 10:30

Sorry posted too soon.

If you have PND and would find this method unworkable then you should talk to the nursery. You need an action plan. Even potty trained children will sometimes have several accidents a day and punishing him will make it worse so maybe don't start yet. Have you seen your GP?

rumbleinthrjungle · 02/11/2014 10:32

Waiting until the new year sounds not only reasonable but very sensible in the circumstances. Once he's settled into nursery, if he's there full time they will certainly be able to support you in starting toilet training and practicing it with him there, and by then you'll have an older baby and hopefully be feeling a bit better and more able to carry out the other half of the work at home.

It's only waiting a few weeks and nursery will be doing this with plenty of other kids in his age group. Why worry yourself about doing something you know right now isn't in the interests of either child, you or the family as a whole? Sorry you're having such a bugger of a time with the PND, are you getting enough support with that?

Original poster

NotSayingImBatman · 02/11/2014 10:33

But DS doesn't go to a CM so won't be pissing on anyone's sofa, Lucky. He'll be pissing on their wipe clean floor and his own clothes. There are also more nursery nurses than you, presumably, have on hand.

Yes the depression is being managed but, at the moment, it feels as though potty training may push me over the edge into packing a bag and leaving the kids and DH to it.

OP posts:

SeasonsEatings · 02/11/2014 10:35

Potty training isnt just putting a pair of pants and ecpecting your DS to know what to do. Why not leave it a while. Maybe a couple of months??

Original poster

NotSayingImBatman · 02/11/2014 10:35

Sorry Lucky, reading that back it sounds snippy, which wasn't my intention.

OP posts:

hollie84 · 02/11/2014 10:36

I think you need to leave it until you feel able to cope with it.

However, nursery won't do it for you.

Could your DH take a week's holiday to get it started at home?

MrsSpencerReid · 02/11/2014 10:37

My ds is a similar age to yours and I have no intention of potty training him soon, he has shown fleeting interest in the potty but this is lead by him not me, I also have pnd but am doing ok on meds ATM so can sympathise with it being one thing too much!! I also don't think there is anything wrong with waiting till he is in full time nursery as long as you are prepared to carry it on when he is at home until he cracks it. Good luck

Original poster

NotSayingImBatman · 02/11/2014 10:37

I know that seasons. We had talked about the pants,he picked them, he decided when to wear them and which pair to wear. We talked about how if he needs a wee he should tell mummy or daddy. I asked if he needed a wee before we put them on and sat him on the loo for a few minutes. I promised chocolate buttons for a successful wee. And he still waited until the pants were on, climbed on me and then pissed on me.

OP posts:

hollie84 · 02/11/2014 10:37

Their might be more nursery nurses but they will be busy - each one will have 8 children to look after, plus paperwork to do. They won't be able to devote more time to potty training than you will.

meglet · 02/11/2014 10:39

If he's going to be there sever days a week then yanbu. I know the dc's nursery helped toilet train loads of kids, if they're there mon-fri then the parents don't have much time to blitz it.

FWIW mine were potty trained over the xmas break when I was off work. DS was 3.2 and DD was 3.4. I put them in pull ups from around 2.6yrs then we did pants over the xmas break. Nursery were able to support them when they went back in the january.

If I were you I'd start using pull ups now so he gets used to trying to go to the toilet on his own but you don't have to stress about accidents.

FWIW I tried DS at 2.6 and he'd wet himself 14 times in 5 hours (both multi-packs of primark pants were in the laundry basket). I realised that maybe it was a bit too soon and put it on hold.

Wolfiefan · 02/11/2014 10:40

You sound like you have quite enough on your plate. I'd say potty training can wait.
If DS wants to then perhaps he could wear pull ups and sit on the toilet to try and wee.
What support do you have? Do you ever get a break? Frankly it sounds like you need a hug and someone to take the kids for an hour. Not potty training. xx

Castlemilk · 02/11/2014 10:41

Absolutely leave it!!!

It is not worth one moment's stress over. Really.

Obviously, just like everyone else, my opinion is based on my own experience. DD wasn't trained until 3.3 - combination of me being extremely ill during second pregnancy and DH having to work full time and take on all care, and then an unexpected house move.

Potty training was probably the last thing on our minds. We'd had a few goes on the potty several months earlier but she wasn't ready.

When we did train, she was READY. Properly ready. So, it took a day. One day with four wet pants... and then she got it. We had literally two/three accidents in the weeks after that. Never a poo accident.

Yes, she was probably 'ready' a while earlier - we don't know. Did waiting until we did have any negative effect? I don't think so. Did waiting until she was absolutely ready and it was a good time for our family have any positive effect? Yes, I think it did - no stress, no tears - for anyone (me included). Like you, I had a baby at the time.

I would say 2.10 may be ready, may be not. But it's also about it being a good time. Potty training for us was easy and pleasant for DD because a. she was ready and b. IT WAS A GOOD TIME.

So absolutely go with what you believe will work best for you.

vodkanchocolate · 02/11/2014 10:41

Hello, these are for you :)

I have been where you are I suffered with pnd after my twins also had a toddler I was trying to toilet train and was a nightmare, I had him attending nursery p/t to give me a bit of a break and although they were fab at helping with the toilet training that wasnt enough he was doing well whilst there and then coming home and pissing all over it was very tiring and frustrating. I regret not making more of an effort with him because he was still having accidents upto 5 throught the day with wee and poo and we are still struggling with the bed wetting, hes in the process of been diagnosed with adhd so wether that is a factor I dont know but I do think it was my fault, but looking back I just dont think I could handle it.

Have you got much support from family, friends and professionals? Think that could also be an help for you.

SolomanDaisy · 02/11/2014 10:42

Just leave it. Plenty of boys aren't potty trained until after three and plenty of parents find it a stressful process even without PND. Leave it a few months until you're feeling a bit better and he is ready. You will then be able to get him started potty training in a weekend and ask nursery for support after that.

5ChildrenAndIt · 02/11/2014 10:44

Nursery, IME, can be a motivating force for potty training - they see the other kids using the potty and want to do it too. So - from that point of view - it might be much easier to do with the structure of nursery.

However, it is a bad idea to send 'mixed messages' by using nappies occasionally. Whole thing takes much longer. If you start with a DC who is developmentally ready & motivated, and act consistent - you can expect them to be secure in a week or two.

The way to do it is to imagine you have a new puppy. Pick a week when you are unstressed and no plans. Pick a room with a wipe clean floor (or garden - but weather is against you now). Stay in that room with DC from dawn til dusk. Stock up on dilute juice and chocolate buttons; magazines & iPads. Give them lots to drink & a chocolate button for every success. Wear only pants (have many pants!). It can be quite fun once you know that you don't have to worry about soft furnishing or laundry.

Flip

1 2 3