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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to just let nursery toilet train DS?

74 replies

NotSayingImBatman · 02/11/2014 10:20

Let me start by saying that if you want to tell me that all children should be potty/toilet trained by three weeks old and that's what happened with all of your DCs in spite of you having eleven under three or some such nonsense, please just don't.

I have really bad PND. DS2 is 15 weeks old and I thought it was getting better but about three weeks ago I had a major relapse and now consider myself lucky to get through a day with only one panic attack. I have zero patience with either child and often have to leave the room when one or the other has pushed me to my limit.

DS1 is 2.10 and everyone, is starting to suggest he's old enough to toilet train. He sometimes asks to sit on the loo and has occasionally had a wee in it. So this morning I put him in pants - he promptly pissed all over the couch and me.

So, he's straight back in a nappy because I can't deal with that without wanting to scream at him, and if he did it several times a day I WOULD scream at/punish him.

I will be going back to work in the new year, just after he turns three, and both DSs will be going to nursery full time. WIBtotallyU to leave it until then and let them do the bulk of it?

OP posts:

reynoldsnumber · 02/11/2014 10:47

Hey notsayingimbatman

Loads of sympathy from me, and hopefully another voice to reassure you that if you, yourself, are not ready for potty training then you definitely shouldn't start it. I know plenty of mums who waited til after their children were 3 (often those with newborns/little babies now I come to think of it).

Potty training was/is hard. My daughter is 3.4. We started potty training at 2.6 because she wanted to do it and honestly she still has accidents now 10 months in, both poos and wees, and she was having frequent accidents more than once a day some weeks for months. Cue lots of washing, wiping the floor, and a new and unfortunately closer relationship with poo, cleaning it from new locations... It has been the most stressful part of parenting her yet and I definitely wouldn't wish it on someone who is also suffering from PND.

I don't want to be completely negative. I am sure it won't take you as long as it has taken us. But don't feel any pressure to start until YOU are ready too.

Howlingowl · 02/11/2014 10:47

OP, sorry you are feeling challenged due to pnd .

I would emphatically say to you not to let other people and their very, very subjective views on toilet training pressurise you into starting this process when you as a family are not ready for it. This is my subjective viewe but at 2.10 you can give a few more months without worrying too much about it.

Here is what I would do:
Speak to nursery and explain your situation at home and that you are being treated for pnd. Tell them that due to this and other factors you are not toilet training ds just yet.

Engage with your HV and see if you can get some support. Would the charity homestart www.home-start.org.uk/findsupport/search be useful in your situation? You may well qualify for their support.

When you have your ducks in a row regarding support with dc and your pnd being managed properly start putting a potty in each roo or on each floor at home. If ds is interested and fancies, he can go and wee in it. Maybe put some pull ups on him and see if he can take them off put them on by himself 'for fun'.

Re toilet training, keep it light and fun. Accidents happen it's just wee ,no worries. Keep out 'shame' from toilet training as much as possible. When you are easy to tackle toilet training when you can face it, bring a potty in the back of the car or in the shopping basket of the pram so that y can quickly put him on it wherever whenever (discretely if possible ).

Also when you are ready you can have another conversation with nursery so that everyone works on this together.

Good luck op and please check out homestart and speak to your Hv.

FunkyBoldRibena · 02/11/2014 10:50

He did GO to mummy when he wanted a pee though - so he just misunderstood you.

OddBoots · 02/11/2014 10:50

Leave it, not just for nursery, this time of year is harder for potty training anyway with the cold and wet weather and the bugs that go around. There's no rush to do it and if you leave it a bit later children will often train themselves, or at least be quicker.

You can start getting them ready without needing to risk furniture/your sanity. Get a comfy toilet seat and pop him on there naked while you run his bath and if he happens to wee or poo while there give him loads of praise. Read books about potty training, there are a few about and get him used to the idea. Just do it gently at a pace that doesn't stress you.

Original poster

NotSayingImBatman · 02/11/2014 10:51

I know the nursery would support DS. We can't afford for him to go whilst I'm on maternity leave, but when I return to work he will be there Monday to Friday 7.30-5.45.

I feel as though I'm failing at this patenting business. Everything other children have been taught he just decided to do one day. He told me at 18 months he didn't want a bottle any more, he told me when he wanted to sit at the table and not in his high chair, when he wanted blankets and not a gro bag, when he wanted a bed not his cot.

Each time he's just done it, no fuss, no looking back. I suppose I'm just hoping he'll do the same with going to the toilet.He's a victim of his own success!

OP posts:

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 02/11/2014 10:54

POTTY TRAINING IS NOT A COMPETITION. Say this to yourself and anyone pushing you to do it. Your DS will do it when he feels ready.

By all means keep a potty in the house and encourage him to use it. Ask the nursery staff to encourage him to use the potty at nursery.

DON'T run yourself ragged because everyone else says you should be doing it.

I know many children that where not trained before 3. YOU HAVE PLENTY OF TIME.

Look after yourself OP

OddBoots · 02/11/2014 10:55

"I feel as though I'm failing at this parenting business."

What you describe doesn't sound like failing at all, your ds has the security and support to grow and develop well, that sounds like he and you are doing brilliantly. You are being too harsh on yourself.

theposterformallyknownas · 02/11/2014 10:57

I think it depends on where he will spend most of his time. If he will be full time then he will be at nursery far more than home and they will be doing most of his care anyway. If only pt then there could be a clash of method so you would need to practice what they do at nursery.

I am sorry you are suffering atm, are you receiving help?

GertrudePerkins · 02/11/2014 10:58

leave it a bit if you're not ready - there's no rush

you do need a state of mind where you can tolerate a high level of frustration on both your parts

or how about DH takes a week of annual leave to do it? I work, and took a/l both times when I thought the DC were ready. If you're all ready and relaxed about the process a week is enough to get a really decent start before handing over to nursery.

Original poster

NotSayingImBatman · 02/11/2014 11:02

DH gets a long Christmas break - 2.5 weeks - then we will all return to work/nursery in early January. We could probably have a good go at it then ready to hand over to nursery.

OP posts:

BuilderMammy · 02/11/2014 11:21

DD wouldn't toilet train till she decided she was ready. Once she did, that was it. It does happen!

If I were you I'd leave it for now. I know what it's like feeling you're at breaking point, and that is not the time to start toilet training. Leave him in nappies for now, it won't do any harm. If he's back at nursery when you start then at least you won't be doing it 24/7.

Go easy on yourself. Everything will be much easier in a few months and there's no need to make life more difficult in the meantime.

5ChildrenAndIt · 02/11/2014 11:30

Well - DD did toilet train herself - in the sense that one bloody inconvenient day she said 'no nappies' - and never looked back. A big part of that was the 'peer pressure' I mentioned. She 'knew' all about potty training from watching other kids at nursery. Much much easier to train a motivated kid.

tobysmum77 · 02/11/2014 11:37

yanbu the nursery dd is in wouldnt mind at all. Send him potty training in the new year. dd2 is also 2.10 and has been a total pita with toilet training. I've stuck to pants because I can't be arsed with starting from scratch again at 3 with no guarantee she'll be better but there are times I could seriously do without it.

greenfolder · 02/11/2014 11:38

nursery trained dd3- took a few days, she was around 3 and a bit. I would wait until he is settled in and then ask them.

tobysmum77 · 02/11/2014 11:39

yeah 5 children I had that with dd1 they are all so different though. Dd2 gets it, wants to wear pants but is lazy and doesn't mind being wet

Aeroflotgirl · 02/11/2014 11:50

You do need help with your PND, I had PND and yes screamed at dd when she was 2 and I was trying to toilet train her, I feel so bad, its a surprise I didn't leave her with issues. She is 7 now and has no problems with the toilet. I did seek help, and were prescribed AD which made me feel positive and changed my mood for the better. Get yourself sorted, and then try toilet training. There is only so much nursery can do, as you have to support it at home.

After that, I tried dd when she was 3 and giving me ready signals, and it took a few weeks of accidents and rewarding with choccy buttons, and she cracked it. Ds is 2.9 years, and slow speech, and not ready, I tried twice in the summer and he just was not getting it so hes back in nappies. Will try at Easter holidays once hes is just over 3 and no going back. Good luck, he will get there.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/11/2014 11:51

Yes notso good idea, try in the Christmas holidays when your dh is around to help too.

WooWooOwl · 02/11/2014 11:54

You definitely don't need to do it yet, Christmas holidays would be an ideal time. We always did it over school holidays when ex was around just for the sake of making life easier.

You can't leave it entirely to nursery, it's your job to do these things, but there's no reason to make it any harder than it has to be.

Wolfiefan · 02/11/2014 11:54

My DD did similar. She decided she wanted pants. We got some. She was very excited. She wet herself constantly. Not ready.
Then suddenly she was physically ready. She was very soon totally dry. No accidents.
Really I'd worry more about support for you. Do you feel ok about going back to work? Can anyone support you at the moment?

bronya · 02/11/2014 11:57

Doing it at Christmas sounds fantastic. I have a newborn and no way would I want to try to toilet train my toddler now, and that's without any other issues! Having your DH there to look after one while you sort out the other, and hopefully feeling better by then from the PND will give it a much greater chance of success. In the meantime, if your DS wants to go on the toilet sometimes, get a seat and use pull-ups during the day. Then if he does decide to do it himself, you've got a fuss-free way of letting him.

I hope you feel better soon.

JemimaButtons · 02/11/2014 11:58

Cailou "If you are not feeling good right now, leave it for now." Good advice - however, you're next comment "Boys are trained later than girls" this is absolute rubbish! What an ignorant, sweeping comment! All children are different. As are all parents and all circumstances.

giraffescantboogie · 02/11/2014 12:04

Leave it a while until you feel better. Don't add more stress for yourself. :)

catkind · 02/11/2014 12:05

If he's the sort of child that "just does things" then it seems very likely he'll "just do" potty training when he's ready.

What you could do in the meantime is keep offering a potty or toilet when you change his nappy, maybe read him a story or let him watch a quick youtube vid on it. The more he gets used to using a potty and able to do a pee/poo on demand the easier it will be when you do potty train.

Might make you feel more in control and like you're doing something about it. And it's a zero stress something to do as he's still wearing nappies.

lymiemum · 02/11/2014 12:28

Just leave it a while. Don't stress out about him being dry, he will be when he is ready.
Personally I think you would be unreasonable to get nursery to do it, it's their job to support not to do it all.
Also, you said there are more nursery staff than just you, that's correct, but they also have to welfare of more than just your child to consider.

MrsItsNoworNotatAll · 02/11/2014 12:58

Think I'd leave it for a bit. I waited till dd2 was gone 3 before I attempted to try and train her and then it was my dear mother who did the bulk of the work as I was stressing she'd never crack it but she did.

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