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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to just let nursery toilet train DS?

74 replies

NotSayingImBatman · 02/11/2014 10:20

Let me start by saying that if you want to tell me that all children should be potty/toilet trained by three weeks old and that's what happened with all of your DCs in spite of you having eleven under three or some such nonsense, please just don't.

I have really bad PND. DS2 is 15 weeks old and I thought it was getting better but about three weeks ago I had a major relapse and now consider myself lucky to get through a day with only one panic attack. I have zero patience with either child and often have to leave the room when one or the other has pushed me to my limit.

DS1 is 2.10 and everyone, is starting to suggest he's old enough to toilet train. He sometimes asks to sit on the loo and has occasionally had a wee in it. So this morning I put him in pants - he promptly pissed all over the couch and me.

So, he's straight back in a nappy because I can't deal with that without wanting to scream at him, and if he did it several times a day I WOULD scream at/punish him.

I will be going back to work in the new year, just after he turns three, and both DSs will be going to nursery full time. WIBtotallyU to leave it until then and let them do the bulk of it?

OP posts:

Rollontome · 02/11/2014 13:50

Are you taking medication? You won't be able to deal with your son pissing on the couch a few months from now when he comes home from nursery if your pnd is not dealt with. If you need to wait until you're able to cope, that's what you have to do. Take care of yourself first, medicate, dose yourself with vitamins, try to sleep as much as possible (that might be hard in your situation!!), get out in the fresh air every morning even if that's the last thing you want to do. You'll get through it. It's just going to be hard until you do. Go easy on yourself.

inneedofsomeclarity · 02/11/2014 14:06

You poor love, PND is beyond hideous. Try not to think too far ahead, focus on one day at a time until you are ready. As for potty training, don't stress about people saying he should be beginning to do it-my dds were both 2 and half and often boys are later or take longer. I remember texting a friend on proper day 1 with dd1 that I was awash with wee and spent all day mopping up! There's no urgency to get him done by the time he starts nursery but when you and he are ready, you will need to work together to be consistent. Talk to them, if they are a decent nursery, they will take it all calmly in their stride.

RabidZombie · 02/11/2014 14:28

My advice is don't potty train right now. It's not what you need. DD was over 3 when she was potty trained; DS was born when she was 2.9 and I did not need the added stress. By the sounds of it neither do you!

somewheresomehow · 02/11/2014 15:09

I would say leave it until you have a couple of weeks with nowt to do and he seems to understand the meaning of how and where to wee. At the moment you sound like you are not in the right frame of mind, and he is not suggesting it to you but you are being influenced by others. As he has suggested the other changes then there is a good chance that toilet training will come in time but not just yet.
Its not a race just another accomplishment to his and your child rearing years.

MrsTerrorPratchett · 02/11/2014 15:58

Everything other children have been taught he just decided to do one day. That's great. He is obviously an independent little person and does things when he's ready. He's not ready for toilet training.

DD (I checked, not a boy) wasn't properly trained until well after 3. She is much more reliable than her friends though, so maybe waiting has it's benefits.

raltheraffe · 02/11/2014 16:08

My son is a bright boy, but is not fully potty trained yet and he is 3 years 3 months now. Some children are slower than others at picking up potty training. Do not stress about it.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 03/11/2014 09:41

Why not start Boxing Day, a joint effort with DH? Then DS will have had a week of training at home and will be just ready for nursery to continue his training in early Jan?

stealthsquiggle · 03/11/2014 09:47

You would definitely not be unreasonable to ignore everyone telling you that you "should" be doing it now, and leave it until he is settled in nursery, and you and nursery agree that he is ready. Then you take a deep breath, cancel everything for a weekend, and start - nursery can continue on Monday.

FWIW, in DS's peer group at nursery, none of the boys were potty trained until they were almost 3 or just 3 - the nursery staff then suggested that we all try in the same week - which made life easier all round.

Anyone suggesting that you are failing in any way by not doing it right now is not a friend and needs to take a long hard look at themselves. This is clearly not the right time for any of you.

DixieNormas · 03/11/2014 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stealthsquiggle · 03/11/2014 09:53

If he's done it with other things, it is pretty likely that he will decide for himself when he is done with nappies, too. DD did - with no warning at all, and on a day when she was due at nursery. We had been and bought big girl pants, but that was all I had done - the potties were still in the loft! So, decision made (by her), I dropped her off at nursery with lots of clothes, and profuse apologies, and left them to it. She literally had one accident the first day, and that was it (apart from the later stage when they get cocky and leave it too late, we had a few then...) - she also, due to me not being ready, skipped the potty stage altogether and went straight to trainer seats on the toilet, which was a bonus.

Allegrogirl · 03/11/2014 10:01

Leave it until after Christmas. Anyone who suggests he is ready, well suggest they take DS off your hands and crack on. That was my suggestion to anyone who commented on my DD2 who was trained a couple of weeks after her third birthday.

Look after yourself for now. Potty training can wait.

Vvvoom · 03/11/2014 10:04

Oh please leave it for now. Most of the boys I know were three at least, as was my dd. just don't add anything else to your day!

Neverbuyheliumbalonz · 03/11/2014 10:10

I would just leave it for now. I'm not sure you are in quite the right place to do it right now? And I don't think you can just let nursery do it, as you will still need to push on with pants etc at weekends, between end of nursery and bed etc?

I am by no means an expert, and the few days it took to potty train ds were a nightmare blur, but I do remember there was a lot of pissing on the floor and tears from him actually as he just wasn't used to the sensation, before he just seemed to get it and there were very few accidents after that.

I know that a few children are simply, pants on, sit on the potty and off we go, but for most kids it is a bit more tricky isnt it? After all, they are changing the Habit of a lifetime!

I hope you are ok OP.

throckenholt · 03/11/2014 10:13

We talked about how if he needs a wee he should tell mummy or daddy. I asked if he needed a wee before we put them on and sat him on the loo for a few minutes. I promised chocolate buttons for a successful wee. And he still waited until the pants were on, climbed on me and then pissed on me.

that is a child that knows the words, but doesn't know what they actually mean. He doesn't know how to join what he feels with what happens. Nappies probably mask the feeling of having a wee, so it isn't surprising that he doesn't get it yet. He isn't ready for toilet training (without a major battle).

So - my advice - ignore all those helpful friends and family who say he is ready - and leave it til he is older. If he hasn't got there before, the summer is always a good time to try - they can run around with nothing on on the bottom half and really learn what happens when you get that feeling.

And hopefully by then your OND will be long in the past.

FrenchJunebug · 03/11/2014 11:53

YANBU my son was potty trained at 3 by the nursery. Your kid is not ready so don't feel guilty putting him back in nappies. Potty training once kids are ready is quick.

HamishBamish · 03/11/2014 12:05

From personal experience, I would say that just over 2 is still really young to potty train. DS1 was 2 and 10 months and DS2 was nearly 3 but he took much longer than DS1 and had a few false starts. Also, there are lots of children (especially boys) who aren't trained until well over 3.

I would say that it's a good idea to start off the process at home (I took a week off with DS2 and with DS1 I was on mat leave) and see how it goes. Give it a few days, but if it's a massive disaster and the child really doesn't seem to 'get it' then wait a couple of months and try again. The nursery will be happy to continue the process once you've started.

ipswichwitch · 03/11/2014 12:22

Def leave til Christmas. You need to focus on getting you sorted right now, not giving yourself more stress with potty training. It's all very well people saying he's ready, but if you aren't too then it's not going to work.

DS1 wanted to use a potty when DS2 was tiny so I put him in pull ups and used the potty when he asked, which was only once/twice a day. At that time I couldn't have coped with cleaning multiple accidents a day. I waited until the summer, when he was 2.8, and DS2 6mo, then just went with putting him in pants an getting him on the potty regularly. I was in a better place to deal with the inevitable accidents as DS2 was a bit older and I wasn't constantly bf, and therefore more relaxed about it all. DS1 did great - a few accidents in the first week the he was fine. He has had no issues from being in pull ups for a couple of months before we did it properly, and no issues from having over tired and stressed mam either.

If give it a go over Christmas, if he's really ready then great, if not at least you have DH to support the clean up and hopefully it'll be much less stressful.

Purplepoodle · 03/11/2014 13:22

Over the Xmas break sounds like the perfect time to crack it. Try for 5 days solid if he hasn't got it by the 5th day. Leave it for a month or two and start again.

I trained mine by giving a chocolate star for a wee and two for a poo with ds1, ds2 loved shiny stickers so that was his thing.

Graciescotland · 03/11/2014 13:26

Totally agree the later you leave it the faster it goes. Like someone else the nursery was really keen to potty train at 2.9 so I gave in. Took a couple of weeks but he got there. It was handy because he went to state nursery at 3 where it's preferred if toilet trained.

I did do follow up work at home though. Top tips throw away any very pooey pants, life is too short. Pack changes of clothes so 1 pair trousers, pants and socks into resealable sandwich bags to keep in bathroom/ pack in nursery bag

Tanith · 03/11/2014 13:49

Which utter idiot(s) is putting pressure on you to do it now?

I would be sorely tempted to misunderstand their comments as an offer to train your son for you (is it Granny? )

Toilet training is entirely your call and should be at your, and your son's, timetable.
As a childminder, I'd have no problem working with you over this, but I would be sure that you were both ready first.

Have another go at Christmas, lovely, and forget about it for now. You might want to cover your sofa with a waterproof throw, disposable bedmat or whatever when you start - they save my sanity

MillionPramMiles · 03/11/2014 13:54

Nurseries can be really supportive with toilet training (dd's has been) BUT the staff/child ratios for pre-schoolers can make it a bit trickier. Staff can't leave children on their own so might have to wait for another member of staff to come and take a child to the toilet. That's often why children who are accident free at home (because they're within 30 seconds of the loo) sometimes have accidents at nursery.

Definitely easier than doing it at home on our own though. The staff have been v encouraging and often suggest different strategies etc. The peer pressure has definitely made a difference too ('I want big girl pants too!').

Good luck with it, it's definitely my least favourite part of parenting.

AmberLav · 03/11/2014 14:03

If your son is not ready yet, then he is not ready. Nursery will have to work with him during the week days anyway, so they will by default have to do some element of the training.

I started DS just before his 3rd birthday (I waited till he'd had a couple of months of successful pooing on his potty in the evening) and we started on a Saturday. So we only had two days at home before he had to go to nursery, and they continued the process during the week.Pull up pants were used at night for a few more months...

It's lovely now, but I was in no mood to hurry the process till I thought he was ready... At 3.8, he's just taught himself to wee standing up, think he learned that from a friend at nursery, I was going to wiat till he was 4 to bother teaching him that!

Canshopwillshop · 03/11/2014 14:19

Leave it! My DS was 3.5 before he was potty trained. We tried a few times before then but he just wasn't ready and it wasn't worth the stress. There is no panic and you have enough on your plate for now.

Got99problems · 03/11/2014 14:26

Leave it, no harm whatsoever in still being in pull ups at 3. Like all parenting, pick your battles and if you all survive the day you're winning!

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