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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To the think is beyond out of order?

57 replies

AlbaGuBrath · 31/10/2014 21:06

Had an appointment so asked ExMil to watch DD for 1.5 hours. Went to collect her, had a cup of coffee and left to walk up the road with DD. On the way home DD told me she had seen Daddy (she hasn't seen him for over a year) but it was a secret and she supposed to tell me. She's 3 years old.

She is well aware of the situation with ExH and that he is not involved in DDs life through his own choice and yet she has seen fit to go behind my back and have them spend time together and then actually told her that it's a secret.

I'm pretty pissed off TBH AIBU?

OP posts:
Bewooohooove · 31/10/2014 21:09

Not at all, I'd be fuming if I was duped like that.

Winterbells · 31/10/2014 21:09

Yanbu. It is wrong that your MiL went behind your back and then expected your child to lie to you. I would be very angry.

GinAndSonic · 31/10/2014 21:09

Of course yanbu, id be flipping my fucking shit right now if i were you!

Cranfieldmc · 31/10/2014 21:11

Yanbu. Appalling behaviour. Asking a young child to lie. You have to call her on it and find out why, what she was thinking etc.

thisusernameisunavailable · 31/10/2014 21:11

Could he have turned up unannounced, also could he have said the secret bit?
However would expect MIL to say even if this had happened.
If it happened the way above, I too would be angry, massive breach of trust, I especially don't like the keep it a secret thing.
Maybe talk to MIL and find out.

Original poster
AlbaGuBrath · 31/10/2014 21:14

I sent a very calm message to her and she has said that DD did see him but they never said it was a secret. I just don't think my DD is even capable of lying like that. Her fibs extend to saying she washed hand/flushed toilet when she didn't.

I was nice in the message in response but I just don't know how to handle this. I want to keep things civil for DDs sake but I won't be trusting her to look after DD again.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 31/10/2014 21:18

YANBU, trying to get your 3 YO to keep secrets from you is borderline sinister.

Deliberately not telling you she was seeing her dad is just as bad, why would such close family members (to your DD) put your DD in such a position? When she's so small as well.

I'm sure your MIL is justifying this to herself as doing it for your DDs own good, as well as for the good of her son, but she's betrayed you in the process.

How can she expect you to ever trust her again?

Is she close to your DD?

Original poster
AlbaGuBrath · 31/10/2014 21:19

I think the reason I don't believe her is because if it had been innocent she surely would have mentioned it. Even in a look sorry I didn't know he was coming kind of way. She has made a point of not telling me as I was there for over 45 minutes. He was there for that entire time hiding out upstairs (didn't even know he was in the house or I would have left).

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 31/10/2014 21:24

I would never trust her to look after your DD again. And would probably not see her again. Outrageous breach of trust.

FunkyBoldRibena · 31/10/2014 21:24

I'd respond with just that. 'Surely if it wasnt a secret, you would have mentioned it in the 45 minutes that he was hiding upstairs. At least i now know who not to trust.'

Original poster
AlbaGuBrath · 31/10/2014 21:26

We see her about once a week/fortnight. Not as close as my parents but in comparison to how often I saw my grandparents they see quite a fair bit of each other.

It's sad because through various things that have happened I was just beginning to trust her and actually asking her to watch DD now and again for an hour or two. That trust has been completely shattered today and I just feel very disappointed in her.

OP posts:
DoJo · 31/10/2014 21:27

Yep - that's really weird to have him hiding upstairs and then act as if it wasn't a secret! Of course it bloody was, otherwise why not say that he was in the cocking house?! I would never use her for childcare again and ensure that your daughter knows that there is no such thing as a secret from you. Even apart from the whole 'lying about your ex' thing, does she not realise how potentially dangerous and thoroughly confusing it is to teach a child to lie to their parents about anything?

financialwizard · 31/10/2014 21:29

That last paragraph is exactly what she needs to hear from you.

Fwiw I would have gone nuclear.

Original poster
AlbaGuBrath · 31/10/2014 21:33

That is my main source of anger DoJo. I think encouraging any child to keep something from their parent is a terrible thing to do.

I feel so bad for my DD. That was a big fucking deal for her. She doesn't even remember her Dad and to have it done like that and then try to make her hide it is unforgivable in my eyes. I don't want her having memories of that. It's horrible for her. There were 3 adults in that house and they all kept it from me (I'm including her fuckwit Dad in that figure too).

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 31/10/2014 21:48

Agree with financial, you need to be telling her about what she's lost by making the decision that her loyalties lay with her son rather than what is best for her GD.

DD2 is 4 and I've been trying to drill it into her tell her about not keeping secrets from me and her dad, that it's OK to keep surprises from us (birthdays or whatever) but never secrets. It's a pretty basic first level of safety, I can't believe they thought it was OK to try break it and use your DD like that.

If you had made the decision with them that she could start seeing her dad, you would have set it up and made sure she could understand beforehand then make plans on how to support her afterwards with any questions or whatever.

Instead you've been thrown in without having time to think about how to deal with the situation.

Purplepoodle · 31/10/2014 21:49

I would be sending her another calm message saying you feel like your trust has been betrayed by your daughter seeing her father while you left her in mil care and that you weren't told as soon as you arrived to pick up dd and had to find out from your three year old.

Original poster
AlbaGuBrath · 31/10/2014 21:55

I don't think I want to say that in a message. It seems like a total cop out and she can also think about and compose/edit a reply. I will speak to her face to face. I'm capable of staying calm. Her messages were worried. It came across loud and clear she was panicking so if that's how she is in a message I would like to see if she's capable of lying to my face.

The witches really do come out in force on Halloween eh Wink

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 31/10/2014 21:55

Yanbu that's awful. Will you be continuing to visit with her even if you don't leave dd alone with her?

Original poster
AlbaGuBrath · 31/10/2014 21:58

Yes the visits to hers and her to mine will continue

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 31/10/2014 22:03

I wouldn't want my DD having any contact with someone who encouraged her to lie/keep secrets from me.

I know she's caught up in a situation not of her own making, but her son obviously has influence over her and can manipulate her into doing things that aren't in her GDs best interests.

What you can never know is how far she's prepared to go in making decisions about your DD that aren't hers to make.

Original poster
AlbaGuBrath · 31/10/2014 22:04

She will not be alone with her so she won't have the opportunity again.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlbaGuBrath · 01/11/2014 00:18

He has just turned up banging on my door. Sad I can't do all this again. I've phoned the police and his Mum.

This is exactly why we have nothing to do with him!

OP posts:
ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 01/11/2014 00:25

Have the police arrived yet? Are you okay?

lalah7 · 01/11/2014 00:27

Hope you're ok.
Have you phoned the police?

Livvylongpants · 01/11/2014 00:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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