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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To the think is beyond out of order?

57 replies

AlbaGuBrath · 31/10/2014 21:06

Had an appointment so asked ExMil to watch DD for 1.5 hours. Went to collect her, had a cup of coffee and left to walk up the road with DD. On the way home DD told me she had seen Daddy (she hasn't seen him for over a year) but it was a secret and she supposed to tell me. She's 3 years old.

She is well aware of the situation with ExH and that he is not involved in DDs life through his own choice and yet she has seen fit to go behind my back and have them spend time together and then actually told her that it's a secret.

I'm pretty pissed off TBH AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
AlbaGuBrath · 01/11/2014 00:42

His mum came and got him, police are on their way there. I hate that she has put us in this position again!

OP posts:
Newlywed2013 · 01/11/2014 00:44

Now as he has turned up I would cut all ties with his family! It's mil fault this has kicked off! She has put herself in this position! Did dd father decide to cut contact himself or did you make the decision?

Original poster
AlbaGuBrath · 01/11/2014 00:49

He made the decision because he only ever had contact to get to me. By proxy I made the decision telling him I would no longer be present at contact. My friend is a social worker and she agreed to carry out unofficial supervised contact. I will speak to his Mum tomorrow and see where we go from here. Contact can continue but she is going to have to accept its in my home with me there. Police will be back to me tomorrow for a formal statement.

OP posts:
Newlywed2013 · 01/11/2014 00:54

Definitely the right step any contact in your own home! He sounds like a horrible piece of work! Hope dd wasn't disturbed

lalah7 · 01/11/2014 00:56

You sound very calm op.
I'm angry on your behalf at your ex mil putting you in this position (I would have went nuclear at the secret keeping too!). At least you can always hold your head up high and say that you tried. She blew it.

Original poster
AlbaGuBrath · 01/11/2014 01:04

I'm only calm because I was half expecting it. We've been here before, he'll be detained until Monday and then released with no charge although this time I'll be pursuing an interim interdict. DD was undisturbed but we have a new cat who had been weeing on two pieces of furniture and had just got it under control but she's gone on my bed probably through getting a fright. I've cleaned it but set up a bed for me in DDs room and thankfully she is still crashed.

OP posts:
lalah7 · 01/11/2014 01:15

It's good that you have a plan in place. I'm glad dd wasn't disturbed by your ex. Good luck speaking to mil tomorrow.
Hope you get some rest Thanks

Original poster
AlbaGuBrath · 01/11/2014 01:20

The girl would sleep through a hurricane! In "bed" now. The mattress is about a ft too short and I am considering the nightlight going off or I'll never sleep. Also considering budging DD along to jump in with her. Not sure she'll be too impressed Grin thanks by the way. Just needed to offload.

OP posts:
MillionToOneChances · 01/11/2014 01:26

How's it going? I hope the police have been reassuring and that he's gone away.

MillionToOneChances · 01/11/2014 01:28

D'oh, missed page 2. Glad he's gone, sorry you're having to go through this again.

GayByrne · 01/11/2014 01:29

Poor you OP. I am sorry this is happening.

You've had great advice from wiser women than me!

Will exMIL now see how much of a bad idea this is? Along with is being absolutely NO WAY to re-introduce DD to her father, the secrecy etc is bang out of order. It sounds totally organised, pre-meditated and if you can get her to admit to that and then spring the question "so why did you feel the need to keep it from me" on her that will open then door to her basically answering the difficult questions for herself...

I hope you settle soon, as does kitten.

I also have a DD who sleeps through anything, even the start of pre-school! Sigh...

Daria01 · 01/11/2014 01:37

I hope he calms down and sees sense. I have to wonder what goes through somebody's mind when they go over to their ex's house, knowing full well that they're not welcome! DS's dad has done it to us and I just think it's plain creepy!!

Hope you get a good nights sleep on you 'bed'.

DoJo · 01/11/2014 01:42

I hope that you wake up tomorrow to an utterly repentant and completely contrite MIL - she must realise that her loyalty to her son is misplaced if it impacts on you and your daughter. I can understand that she loves him and cannot give up on him, despite his appalling behaviour, but I cannot fathom how she can compromise her relationship with you and her granddaughter just to give him the chance to get at you again. She must realise that she has got a LOT of work to do to rebuild any kind of relationship with you, and I hope she appreciates how lucky she is that you are still considering letting her see your daughter. I admire your strength and dedication to putting your daughter first.

GayByrne · 01/11/2014 02:09

DoJo I second your sentiment. You're an inspiration OP.

Can you write down all the salient points and have a face to face with your MIL? You obviously want her in your DD's life - would a face to face work? Texting, letters and emails are ever so PA, although I know they work for some peeps.

ChillingGrinBloodLover · 01/11/2014 02:29

What a day!:(

I don't see why you are insistent on her having contact with your DD? I can't see how any good can come of it?!

She hid him upstairs for 45 minutes... She either told, or was complicit in your ex telling your daughter to lie to you.

You can limit and control their visits for now, but you won't be able to do that forever.

What does this woman bring to DD 's life that's worth the damage she could do?

lunar1 · 01/11/2014 04:26

It is really creepy that he was hiding upstairs while you were there. Any further contact with mil would have to be supervised at your house. I hope you got some sleep.

GayByrne · 01/11/2014 04:37

Hidden upstairs?! I missed that bit - ask her why she hid him instead of just saying he's here and wants to see the little one...that will open a can of worms that'll land right in your favour (I'm a solicitor-advocate - I know how to open a cross-examination!!).

TrendStopper · 01/11/2014 08:11

If I was in your position I dont think that I could see MIL again. I know she is your dds grandmother but she obviously doesn't care about her if she would tell her to lie and then cause what happened last night to happen.

Hope you are ok this morning Smile

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 01/11/2014 09:10

Obviously what ex mil did was wrong, but i do think you're right continuing the contact on your terms. Remember, we all have stupid irrational love for our DC's and she was probably so sure he changed. Obviously what she did was incredibly stupid and thoughtless, but more ill thought out than sinister.I agree with OP that supervised contact is the rational solution.

I do hope that wanker leaves you alone. What a twat and I'm sorry about the upset and confusion this has caused your DD.

KatieKaye · 01/11/2014 09:18

MIL was deliberately sneaky and underhand with you. I wouldn't trust her again.
And it has all backfired spectacularly, putting you through a horrid ordeal.
You are so level-headed about this - maybe have a "cooling off" period with MIL and no contact for a couple of weeks once you've met her face to face? Just to show her how serious her deception was. And then, as you say, she only has contact in your house with you present. because you know you cannot trust her.
hoping today is a better day for you.

Original poster
AlbaGuBrath · 01/11/2014 09:30

Been down to MILs this morning, asked my Dad to watch DD while I went. I think the correct term for how I was is "flipped my lid". She told me I should have just called her and not the police. She's had it both barrels and I've said that she is welcome to come to see DD at mine but it'll be on my terms and she's to leave it till I contact her. I have left a message for my solicitor so should hopefully here back Mon, I'm going to look at the possibility of MIL signing an agreement but not quite sure how it would work.

I'm home now and have a nice day planned. Police have rang and they don't feel a visit today is necessary as they got all the info they needed last night. They have confirmed EXH will be held till Monday morning and will be in court for breach of the peace, can't do anything about harassment though. My solicitor should hopefully sort that though.

OP posts:
KatieKaye · 01/11/2014 09:39

She is in denial about how her sneakiness has contributed to the situation and trying to push blame onto you - nice!

Obviously the fact that EXH is being held until Monday shows it was a serious offense so of course she's totally wrong in saying you shouldn't have called the police. Wanting to protect her son is totally different from denying the seriousness of his actions. MIL sounds like she wants to sweep any "unpleasantness" arising from her DS's actions under the carpet and just pretend everything is fine.

She's in denial, which is actually understandable (I'd be horrified and find it hard to believe too if it was my DS behaving like this) but the fact he is being held shows how serious this was and she can't go on pretending any more or trying to make out YABU. her collusion with hiding her DS is just pathetic.

Good for you - have a great day. See your solicitor on Monday and get some advice about what measures you can take. But don't expect MIL to necessarily keep to any agreement. (actually, be prepared for her to ignore it and just do her own thing). Bear in mind she has to earn your trust back and demonstrate she has changed.

Original poster
AlbaGuBrath · 01/11/2014 09:52

She always has been in denial. He has now had two short stints in jail (under 12 months) and several over nighters/weekenders. It's never his fault Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
AlbaGuBrath · 01/11/2014 09:56

Actually 3 short stints. I would like to make clear I knew he had been in jail once the day I married him, it was a driving offence. Or so I was told, during the divorce my solicitor did a bit of digging and he had actually been in jail for IPV, his Mum was well aware of this and nobody told me. Made sense though when I found out. I hope that explains the long time it's taken to build the little trust that was there

OP posts:
KatieKaye · 01/11/2014 09:59

Of course it isn't his fault (according to MIL)

Yeah, right!

She's deluded and he's a danger to you and DD. I'd definitely want a breathing space from her. Because she's going to keep on colluding with him and downplaying the seriousness of both their actions. NO matter how painful it might be for her, unless she faces up to the seriousness of his behaviour and the impact it has on you and DD then I really would be very wary of her indeed. This is wilful ignorance on her part.

Two terms in jail and he's locked up again - EXH has form.

Hope the sun is shining for you today (it is up here) and that you and DD have a lovely time today.

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