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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to deny father any rights?

76 replies

traceybaybee · 30/10/2014 21:21

Im 22 and ive recently found out im pregnant and the baby's father is a guy that ive been seeing for 3yrs in a casual thing. He is 37 and has 2 boys of 13 and 10 with his ex wife (finished way way before we met). When i told him i was pregnant he told me to get an abortion as he doesnt want the baby plus the fact according to him im "not mentally ready to have kids" Confused. I had an early scan as had bad cramp and it showed the heartbeat and he didnt seem bothered when i phoned to tell him. Then next step was the midwife on monday, he asked to come with me and then didnt even come in as he doesnt consent to the pregnancy?!? So in light of that ive decided that i want nothing more to do with him and the baby will be taking my name instead of his. AIBU in my stance? My cousins and auntie think i am however parents and my sisters support my view.

OP posts:
ghostyslovesheep · 30/10/2014 21:23

yes yabu you can't 'deny him any rights' he HAS rights as does your child

LadySybilLikesCake · 30/10/2014 21:24

Sorry, but it's not your choice to do this. Your child has a right to get to know both parents, whether you like him or not. You choose the name though.

Hassled · 30/10/2014 21:26

He doesn't get to consent to the pregnancy and you don't get to deny him any rights. It's not up to either of you - there's going to be a baby, and it's about what's best for him/her.

Give it time - don't make any hasty decisions now. Leave the ball in his court and see how involved he wants to be.

magoria · 30/10/2014 21:26

It doesn't matter if he wants to be an active dad the baby can still (and should imo) have your name. It is much easier long term and less hassle for you if it does.

You can't put him on the birth certificate unless he comes with you.

He may decide in 1 year or 5 years that he wants something to do with the child and you will be hard pressed to stop it happening unless you can show he is a danger to it.

You can stop bringing it up with him and he has no rights to attend your medical procedures.

PiperIsOrangePumpkins · 30/10/2014 21:27

I can understand how you feel, but a child has the right to know who is the father.

26Point2Miles · 30/10/2014 21:28

It's your child's right to know him as per the children's act

You need to grow up

MrSheen · 30/10/2014 21:28

They aren't your rights to give. You do have rights not to involve him in the pregnancy etc. He doesn't have a right to attend any medical appointments or the the birth. I think it would be madness to give the baby his name though (or at least weird).

zippey · 30/10/2014 21:29

Yes YABU

Give baby your name but it's 50% his child. He hasn't behaved well but you shouldn't be so selfish. Think about what's best for your child rather than what's best for you.

Original poster
traceybaybee · 30/10/2014 21:29

He has told me that he wont be here to support the baby as he is moving abroad, whether this happens or not we shall see. If he chooses to have something to do with his child thats fine but as far as im concerned i dont want anything to do with him for the forseeable for how he has been with me

OP posts:
ghostyslovesheep · 30/10/2014 21:32

but it's not really about you or him - it's about you and your child and him and his child

TimeForAnotherNameChange · 30/10/2014 21:33

In all honesty I probably wouldn't be going out of my way to do it for him (maintain a relationship with his child, that is), but I'd leave all the doors open, as it were. Passive rather than active, I suppose.

26Point2Miles · 30/10/2014 21:34

Well that's fine... What's the issue then?

LadySybilLikesCake · 30/10/2014 21:34

If he moves, he moves. Do make sure you get maintenance for your child though. The procedure for this is a bit more complicated if he moves abroad so you're best off waiting to see if he goes through with this.

DomiKatetrixortreat · 30/10/2014 21:36

Give baby your name. He won't have parental rights unless he's on the birth certificate - he'll have to go to the BC appointment with you if he wants to go on it.
Do what you think is best. Yes, baby can decide when older if they want to get to know their father but if it's less confusing whilst their young, bring them up alone.
Hope all goes well! Feel free to PM me, I've taken this route Smile

Original poster
traceybaybee · 30/10/2014 21:37

I know i cant force him to take a part in his childs life thats up to him. I wont ever deny to the baby who their dad is. Perhaps my title was worded wrongly. My biggest aibu was the second name. I didnt say that he isnt getting anything to do with the child i just want some space between us just now in light of recent events to see how the land lies

OP posts:
Psycobabble · 30/10/2014 21:37

He can be the biggest prick going to you but unfortunately it's not your right I decide ! Obviously if there was child welfare concerns it would be different but as it currently stands that's not the case in all honesty if he is speaking the truth he won't be around anyway however if he's just been a hurtful arsehole and doesn't mean it and does want contact once the child's born then you have no right to stop him

Winterbells · 30/10/2014 21:37

You aren't being unreasonable to give the baby your name.

I don't think you would be unreasonable to stop telling him about the pregnancy and certainly don't invite him along to any appointments. Not until he can be respectful and realise that he has to support his child. If he wants to be involved then he should be the one to make the move, imo.

girliefriend · 30/10/2014 21:40

Well I don't think you have to make that decision, sounds like he will make it himself. You can't force a man to be a father.

My dds never met her dad and he has through his own choice decided no contact, not what I would have wanted but it has its advantages in that I am the only one with parental responsibility and don't have to 'share' dd with anyone!

My advice would be see what happens, if he steps up and wants to be a father then great, if not then being mentally prepared for doing it on your own is also a good idea.

I would be very cautious about having him on the birth certificate though.

PoundingTheStreets · 30/10/2014 21:42

Parents don't really have rights, they have responsibilities. If he's failing to live up to his responsibilities, chances are that he will fail to claim any of his notional rights as well. You don't actually need to deny him anything in practical terms.

If your baby's father fails to come with you when you register the baby, you can't put him on the birth certificate anyway, which means that he will have to apply to a court to be granted parental responsibility before he can exercise any of those rights. He would almost certainly be granted PR by a court, but the effort of having to apply for it may put him off.

Personally I think all babies should take the primary caregiver's surname, so that there is a sense of continuity and practical ease in the event of a split (and nearly half of all relationships, married or otherwise, fail).

Your baby has a right to know about his/her parentage and a chance to know both parents. This does not mean you have to chase down the father and make him be a good dad; it simply means that if he tries to build a relationship with your child, you don't stand in the way unless you have valid grounds for doing so (e.g. the safety and wellbeing of your child).

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope it all works out for you.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 30/10/2014 21:44

I would say - at the moment - plan on going this alone. Give the child your name. Don't put him on the birth certificate.

Hes not exactly covering himself in glory at the moment, if he didn't want any more children then he should have used a condom or got a vasectomy.

He will have a responsibility to the child. If he stays in the country, and is working, he will have to pay maintenance.

BUT for your baby's sake, keep the door open to him have a relationship with your child.

Original poster
traceybaybee · 30/10/2014 21:44

Knowing him pretty well i know he isnt one for mincing his words. Can i ask regarding the bc how does it work in situations where the parents arent together? I dont really understand it if im honest.

OP posts:
LadySybilLikesCake · 30/10/2014 21:48

You're not denying him rights if he's not interested. I didn't give my child his father's name either, it is allowed and it's not the same as denying rights.

WooWooOwl · 30/10/2014 21:51

YANBU. He told you he doesn't want to be involved, so unless he comes to you and tells you he's changed his mind, then there's no reason for you to call him and tell him about scans and the like.

He can do what it takes to be involved with his child when it's born if he wants to, but until then, I'd work on the assumption that all of the responsibility, including financial, is yours.

You are making a choice to continue with a pregnancy that's unwanted by one parent, and that's going to have consequences. You can't expect to be told that he wants you to have an abortion and then wonder why he doesn't seem bothered when you tell him you had an early scan and saw the heartbeat.

PoundingTheStreets · 30/10/2014 21:51

traceybaybee - you simply go alone to register the baby and leave the father's name blank. When you have the baby the hospital will send you home with a leaflet explaining all this, or your midwife may give it to you.

LadyLuck10 · 30/10/2014 21:52

You were in a casual relationship with him, so did it not cross your mind that there is a chance you might fall pregnant? You seem very upset by his actions but given that your relationship was casual and not a committed long term relationship I think yabu.
Give the baby your name, but you can't deny him any rights because things didn't go your way after the fact.

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