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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to deny father any rights?

76 replies

traceybaybee · 30/10/2014 21:21

Im 22 and ive recently found out im pregnant and the baby's father is a guy that ive been seeing for 3yrs in a casual thing. He is 37 and has 2 boys of 13 and 10 with his ex wife (finished way way before we met). When i told him i was pregnant he told me to get an abortion as he doesnt want the baby plus the fact according to him im "not mentally ready to have kids" Confused. I had an early scan as had bad cramp and it showed the heartbeat and he didnt seem bothered when i phoned to tell him. Then next step was the midwife on monday, he asked to come with me and then didnt even come in as he doesnt consent to the pregnancy?!? So in light of that ive decided that i want nothing more to do with him and the baby will be taking my name instead of his. AIBU in my stance? My cousins and auntie think i am however parents and my sisters support my view.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 30/10/2014 22:43

Your right op, just do what you have to. He doesent want anything to do with it so concentrate on you and the baby. Give him your e mail and telephone number and leave the ball in his court.

Original poster
traceybaybee · 30/10/2014 22:46

I told him when i had to go for my early scan that i would rather miscarry than have an abortion. Ive seen people very close to me go through the pain of abortion including my big sister and i couldnt bear that. I know some people will frown upon me for continuing the pregnancy but seeing my babys heartbeat at 7 weeks brought home that there is a wee life growing inside of me and that made me well up with emotion knowing that im giving life to something so precious

OP posts:
Original poster
traceybaybee · 30/10/2014 22:47

He has my number anyway. Will await with bated breath the next time he texts/phones asking for sex haha Grin

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Aeroflotgirl · 30/10/2014 22:50

Well just leave the ball in his court now, and break of any relationship you may have with him, and concentrate on the baby. No to sex period. I understand op, just as others woukd say it's a woman's right to have an abortion, it's her body, it's just as much your right to keep the baby. Who are we to tell you other wise.

Original poster
traceybaybee · 30/10/2014 22:58

Yes abortion flitted into my mind when i found out but that was all it was a fleeting thought and its one i wouldnt act upon

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Solasum · 30/10/2014 23:02

Tracey. I would strongly advise against saying you do not want any financial maintenance from him. Even if you do not need the money, it can never hurt to have some extra, you could put it into a savings account for DC if you wanted. Money can be extracted from his pay at source if he won't cooperate.

girliefriend · 30/10/2014 23:03

Unless he comes with you to register your baby, he won't be on the birth certificate which means he doesn't have automatic parental rights.

If he isn't going to be involved in the baby/childs life probably for the best.

I have done it on my own and like I said before there are pros. Good luck and congrats on the pregnancy Smile

Solasum · 30/10/2014 23:04

Sorry, that sounded very mercenary. Congratulations!

Original poster
traceybaybee · 30/10/2014 23:09

Its okay solasum i know what you mean. I know im saying that just now but things are still raw to me as well as getting used to the fact im pregnant. Still got a long road to go so we shall see how things pan out :)

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WooWooOwl · 30/10/2014 23:17

You may well find in the long run that leaving him alone completely gives you a very powerful level of control that you just can't have if you're contacting him and hoping that he will show some love towards his child each time.

Yourself and your baby need your headspace much more than he does.

Original poster
traceybaybee · 30/10/2014 23:39

Im refusing to contact him and it will be that way for just now. If he wants to get in touch he knows where i am

OP posts:
spidey66 · 31/10/2014 07:55

I know you said he pays maintainence for the kids he has, but otherwise, how is he with them? That's a good indicator as to how he'll be with this one.

A friend of my sister's got pregnant after a one night stand. The dad originally wanted to do with their daughter, but she kept the door open and would let him and his parents know about her progress. For the first few years he paid via the CSA but didn't see her. However she is now 8 and he has come round and now has regular contact. It's worked out well for all 3 of them.

spidey66 · 31/10/2014 07:56

''wanted nothing to do with''

Nomama · 31/10/2014 08:26

My sister made the same choice 23 years ago.

She simply stopped contacting him. Had her baby and then decided to send Christmas cards with a picture and a quick update.

She never asked for or received any money, never saw or heard from him. Her son grew up loved and cared for, knew who/where his father was and what decision his mum had made.

This year his dad got in touch with my sister. His wife had found out about DN and told him, in no uncertain terms, that he had to get in touch and, at the very least, explain himself... long back story that explained but not excused his inaction.

Sister offered contact details to DN and let him make his own mind up. He is still taking it slowly and is not wholly convinced, but is now in charge of his own relationship with his dad.

So it can be done, with lots of family support. You don't have to fight for contact, support etc. Just be age appropriately honest and let you child lead that decision if/when it comes to it.

Good luck.

Original poster
traceybaybee · 31/10/2014 10:04

He is really good with his other two boys ive met them a couple of times and both are lovely kids

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itsbetterthanabox · 31/10/2014 15:56

Give the child your name. Let him know he can see his child but it is up to him. It sounds like he doesn't want to but leave it open.
He still needs to pay you maintenance to care for the child he created so sort that with the CSA as soon as child is born.
He doesn't need to be on the birth cert and won't be if he doesn't come to sign it.

Sassyb0703 · 31/10/2014 17:13

You have said that you don't want maintenance, you have also mentioned that he is planning to go abroad, so there is a big chance you could be waiting a very long time if you did expect some , in the meantime have you considered the financial side of things ? do you have a job where you will get maternity leave ? have you got savings ? family who will support you financially AND emotionally ? there's a lot of practicalities to consider. This bloke was operating in standard divorced nearly 40 something behaviour. He found the compliant 19yr old to have sex with no strings attachedWink he has 'done ' babies with his ex ...he does not want or desire more responsibility, do not hold your breath for him to change his mind. I am not saying he won't contact the child in later life but would bet my bottom dollar it won't be until long long after the hard slog baby years are done and dusted. On a practical note, if the pill was your sole method of contraception (and I am supposing that must be the case as accidentally getting pregnant with 2 reliable methods being used must be almost impossible) it might be a smart move to have a std check. -your midwife should be able to help. -good luck whatever you decide.

Original poster
traceybaybee · 31/10/2014 17:31

It was an arrangement that suited us both well, albeit with the "joke" that if he really wanted to he could get me pregnant :/. My family are willing to support me they have said. I had one done just before i found out i was pregnant

OP posts:
sykadelic · 31/10/2014 18:45

As you've seen it's the "deny him any rights" thing that has people a bit upset... mainly because you can't really. If he's proven to be the father (not doubting you, just saying if he takes you to court) then the decision will be taken out of your hands.

YANBU to not want to go out of your way to contact him or keep him in the loop, that is NOT your responsibility. You cannot force someone to do something they don't want to do. I'd probably do a scrapbook type deal anyway and if he wanted to see things you'd have it and could show him but otherwise a good memento for you and your child down the line. I'd also keep other records of your attempts to contact him and what he said/did so that when/if your child asks you can show them you tried.

Have you considered contacting the mother of the other children somewhere down the line? Letting her know what's going on and that you'd like her children and your child to have a relationship (know the child exists etc) but if she doesn't you understand that (and of course it'd be up to the kids when they're older).

What about his parents as well? Will they want to know their grandchild?

Original poster
traceybaybee · 31/10/2014 19:05

I have no way of contacting his ex wife as i only know her first name and his mother died 2wks before his first son was born and he has never spoke about his dad before.

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onedamnthingafteranother · 01/11/2014 08:47

There is nothing in the Children Act that says children have a 'right' to know their father. Best not try to claim 'it's the law' if you haven't actually read it, 26point2.

WoodliceCollection · 01/11/2014 09:27

YANBU, I think (hope) that it's just the 'rights' wording that has got people's backs up, but of course you have absolutely no responsibility to chase some idiotic man who doesn't understand the possible consequences of sex to try and get him to act like an adult- that's up to him, his loss if he can't see that the child now exists and the continuation of the pregnancy is not up to him any more (he lost that right by failing to ensure his own contraception was adequate or that you shared his views on continuing pregnancy before he started literally screwing with you).

It's actually probably (in my experience both as a child and as a mother of crap fathers) better for the baby not to have contact with him that is suddenly stopped if he decides to go abroad or that he hasn't 'consented' to the child's existence (entitled dickhead- as if anyone has to consent to the existence of another person). You can only do your best for your child and hopefully your parents and sisters continue to be supportive, just keep away from idiots like other relatives if they don't understand that babies are a consequence of sex and fathers do not get to force women to get abortions just because they couldn't be bothered to stick a condom on it.

Original poster
traceybaybee · 01/11/2014 11:46

Perhaps in hindsight i could of chose a better thread title lol. The reason i posted about rights was if he does take nothing to do with the baby im guessing he wouldnt have any say on how i raise our child etc?

OP posts:
WakeyCakey45 · 01/11/2014 11:55

if he does take nothing to do with the baby im guessing he wouldnt have any say on how i raise our child etc?

That's not how it works, legally. Your DCs biological father could be completely absent for years, and then decide that he wants involvement after all, and the courts will give him that chance if you refuse. It's not a "one time only" deal - he can change his mind as his DC grows up.

If he is awarded PR (and it's very unusual for that not to happen if an application is made to court) then he will have the same parental responsibilities as you do regarding where your DC lives, where they go to school, what faith they are raised in, medical treatment, leaving the country......he will have the right to go to court to challenge your decisions, and the courts will listen to him if he presents a balanced and reasoned case, irrespective of whether he was absent for several years. Courts look to the future, and put in place what is best for the DCs.

soonasthesunsets · 01/11/2014 12:21

f he is awarded PR (and it's very unusual for that not to happen if an application is made to court) then he will have the same parental responsibilities as you do regarding where your DC lives, where they go to school, what faith they are raised in, medical treatment, leaving the country.

That is absolutely not true!

An absent father deciding after years to get involved with his biological child would have a VERY hard time trying to obtain parental rights. He would have to prove that his input would be in the best interests of the child. Children of 12 years also have a say in this and could very easily refuse this themselves. It wouldn't prevent any consensual contact if that was wanted.

And those parental rights would not necessarily bestow that (above) degree of input on how you raise your child.