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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to deny father any rights?

76 replies

traceybaybee · 30/10/2014 21:21

Im 22 and ive recently found out im pregnant and the baby's father is a guy that ive been seeing for 3yrs in a casual thing. He is 37 and has 2 boys of 13 and 10 with his ex wife (finished way way before we met). When i told him i was pregnant he told me to get an abortion as he doesnt want the baby plus the fact according to him im "not mentally ready to have kids" Confused. I had an early scan as had bad cramp and it showed the heartbeat and he didnt seem bothered when i phoned to tell him. Then next step was the midwife on monday, he asked to come with me and then didnt even come in as he doesnt consent to the pregnancy?!? So in light of that ive decided that i want nothing more to do with him and the baby will be taking my name instead of his. AIBU in my stance? My cousins and auntie think i am however parents and my sisters support my view.

OP posts:
Original poster
traceybaybee · 30/10/2014 21:54

I know its a shitty situation to be in and if i could change how things are i would but sadly i cant Sad. All i can do is try to do the best by my baby that i possibly can

OP posts:
Original poster
traceybaybee · 30/10/2014 21:55

I was on the pill and had been the whole time we were seeing each other.

OP posts:
Stripyhoglets · 30/10/2014 21:56

yanbu to give the baby your surname in the slightest. why would you want to give the baby the name of someone he or she may never know.

soonasthesunsets · 30/10/2014 21:56

No YANBU at all.

As other PP have said (and I agree)it's up to him to face his responsibilities and I wouldn't be chasing him for this. That would potentially set your child up for rejection after rejection. Your child may wish to pursue a relationship but this will be difficult if he is adamant not to get involved.

He does have financial responsibilities though, but it can be very difficult and draining to pursue this if he's a shirker.

Re birth cert. If you're not married and he doesn't accompany to registry then you cannot name him as father nor can you use his surname.

Original poster
traceybaybee · 30/10/2014 21:59

He pays maintenance for his children with his ex wife i get the feeling getting him to pay for this child is going to be like drawing blood from a stone, is it going to be worth the hassle?

OP posts:
soonasthesunsets · 30/10/2014 22:01

Totally Confused at those saying you need to grow up because you don't want to use this man's surname or continue a relationship with him.

You're not denying him parental rights because he'll have none if he's not named as the father. And he seems to be the one who has opted out.

Original poster
traceybaybee · 30/10/2014 22:06

As soon as i told him i was pregnant it was dont bother telling anyone your pregnant just book an abortion and get it over and done and move on with your life. In the 3 times ive seen him to try and sort things out all he has wanted from me is sex. It shows his mentality about the situation Angry

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Aeroflotgirl · 30/10/2014 22:11

YANbU. When baby is born leave it up to him to initiate contact, I woukdent go out my way to. That makes it easier if he is living abroad. It does not sound like he wants anything to do with the baby.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/10/2014 22:13

I don't know why everyone is banging on about op denying this baby Rhys or her rights to a father, when tge father ants nothing to do with it.

Original poster
traceybaybee · 30/10/2014 22:13

Its going to be his loss as he will miss out on his child growing up

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 30/10/2014 22:13

He shouldn't be putting any pressure on you for sex, if he is that's very wrong.

But it is ok for him to not want to have a baby with someone he's been seeing casually while believing that contraception is being used. Even after an accidental pregnancy occurs, plenty of women do choose to abort, it doesn't mark them monsters any more than it makes this man a monster.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/10/2014 22:14

Wants sorry, silly autocorrect.

Winterbells · 30/10/2014 22:15

I think that he has made it clear that he wants nothing to do with the baby. So now you've got to prepare yourself to do this on your own with no support or involvement from him. If you haven't already you need to stop having sex with him, stop contacting him. If he changes his mind about being involved then it's up to him to get in touch and work it out, don't chase him.

Original poster
traceybaybee · 30/10/2014 22:16

He knew i was on the pill he had seen me take it often enough.

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WooWooOwl · 30/10/2014 22:19

Then it's understandable that he'd rather you didn't continue the pregnancy.

You can't make him want or love this baby just because you do.

Original poster
traceybaybee · 30/10/2014 22:19

I havent slept with him since i found out i was pregnant. It just doesnt seem right to. Also took him off facebook and wont be contacting him

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Original poster
traceybaybee · 30/10/2014 22:21

I know i cant force him to do/feel anything just it would of been nice if he had been a wee bit more sensitive about things

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Winterbells · 30/10/2014 22:23

It's completely understandable that you feel hurt.

DixieNormas · 30/10/2014 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

starlight1234 · 30/10/2014 22:27

Gosh you are getting a hard time OP.

You will be given the forms to register birth after LO is born. The father cannot be put on the certificate if he is not there unless you are married.

If EX is not on BC he won't have parental rights. I am not sure why people are jumping up and down at you. he is making it clear he wants nothing to do with baby so yes you can leave the door open but you will have enough to do without chasing someone who doesn't want to know.

Hope your pregnancy continues smoothly Flowers

queenofthepirates · 30/10/2014 22:28

Honestly I would put him behind you and concentrate on you and the baby. Forcing a father to be to be involved is heartbreaking for you and why should you have the stress right now. You've done as much as you can so leave the door open and focus on yourself. As for money from him, you may find it's easier to leave it. Single parents are reasonably well provided for, as long as you're sensible. Eat well, rest up and stay mentally well xxx

hippo123 · 30/10/2014 22:28

I can understand you not wanting anything to do with him, but you owe it to your baby to leave the doors open. Also what about his family? Are they even aware of your pregnancy? His parents / siblings will most likely want to be involved in your baby's life even if he doesn't. Absolutely go for maintenance. Why wouldn't you? He will have to attend with you when getting the birth certificate if he wants his name on it. Do you think he will? If he does he will have joint parental responsibility. He will basically have as much say as you over your child's medical and educational needs and can stop you moving aboard etc I believe. Is this what you want? You need to be discussing all of this with him. Could you not at least email him? You need to think about what your going to tell your child when he / she is older if you block him out of your life. Without a doubt give the baby your surname.

Original poster
traceybaybee · 30/10/2014 22:31

I told my sister tonight that i want nothing more from him including maintenance and while she said wait and see how things go she can understand my reasoning.

OP posts:
Original poster
traceybaybee · 30/10/2014 22:35

He at 37 has one sister who lives in australia (reason he wants to move abroad), his mother died many years ago and hes never mentioned about his dad to me in all the time i have known him. Nobody apart from him know about us on his side if that makes sense? Id love for him to have a relationship with his child should he choose to have one but thats up to him not me

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wannabestressfree · 30/10/2014 22:37

I am going to put my old git hat on now - and I promise I mean this in a nice way.
When I was your age (sorry) I was in a similar situation and was queen of the grandiose statement eg this isn't happening and neither is that'.
What I have learnt is that, in my wisdom, the best thing to do is nothing. My pregnancy was a war of words and miserable. I wish I had just thanked him and left well alone. What will be will be etc. It doesn't matter if you do nothing or spend the next few months upset. The end result will be the same.
Just relax. Enjoy this time. Make decisions when they need making. It will all be ok in the end :)