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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask if you still fancy your partner?

62 replies

dippylongstocking · 30/10/2014 01:03

Just that, really.

DH and I have been together for over 10 years. I love him to death, but I don't think I fancy him anymore.

Just wondered if anyone else has experienced this and if so, what did you do about it?

OP posts:

CookieLady · 30/10/2014 01:05

sometimes.

MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday · 30/10/2014 01:15

Sometimes
I've been with my dh for 26 years...so we have both aged a tad. On a day to day basis I see a bloke in shorts and t shirt who is 52, bald (but then he was when I met him to be fair) and his beard is grey... hardly Brad Pitt (actually he is a dead ringer for Patrick Stewart if you take off 20 years lol) and there isn't a lot of romance in our daily lives.

But then.. I look around at my friend partners, and look back at mine.. who yes is 52, but amazingly physically fit (a cyclist), slim, still toned, and when his ever increasingly lined face smiles.. for ME.. I realise that if I was single and met him somewhere now, I would think ' what a lovely face he has' !

Or like the other day.. our 21 yr old son sobbing because his GF had dumped him after 2 years.. came in to find DH with his arms wrapped around his son , comforting him the way only his Dad could.. and then I thought ' you are gorgeous' not just because of how he looks but because of who he IS to us all.

I think it's totally normal to no longer feel red hot lust after a few years, and sometimes you have to actually make a conscious decision to fancy them . Sometimes reading some racy fiction helps trip the switch from 'love you' to ' think I'll rip you pjs off tonight' .. but it's worth WORKING at finding him attractive if that makes sense?

everydayaschoolday · 30/10/2014 01:16

I do. Been together since 2005. Regular date nights' helps - investing in couple time not just family time. I definitely still fancy him.

CookieLady · 30/10/2014 01:16

Sorry, had problem with the internet page. Date night - cheesy but helps keep the romance going, which after ten years and two kids does get put to the back burner sometimes.

everydayaschoolday · 30/10/2014 01:17

Xpost and jinx on the cheesy date night lol ;)

Notmeagain1 · 30/10/2014 01:39

You just need to do something spontaneous with him get a little spark in your relationship. Maybe a surprise weekend trip to somewhere romantic. Relationships are hard and it takes a lot of work. Your feelings are natural, we all go through this from time to time. HTH and good luck.

darksideofthemooncup · 30/10/2014 02:08

Nope. 14 years together and I love him to pieces, but he has admitted that he doesn't really fancy me either. We have both put on weight and need to address this but I SO envy people that still have that spark

AlwaysDancing1234 · 30/10/2014 03:15

Medusals post sums it up for me!

Fabulous46 · 30/10/2014 06:22

Only in his work gear (especially in summer when he's no top on) . After 26 years of marriage I still think he's pretty fit. He's always been romantic but more so since the kids have flown the nest, so yes, I still fancy him.

ErnesttheBavarian · 30/10/2014 06:29

My dh lost tons of weight last year through cycling, coupled with that, he does seem to be getting more and more handsome as he ages . On the rare occasions I see him in a suit ( as opposed to sweaty cycling gear) I really think, wow, he looks gorgeous.

After 20 years and 4 kids together and not having the time or inclination to take up cycling, I guess he doesn't feel the same way about me though

LindyHemming · 30/10/2014 07:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saintsandpoets · 30/10/2014 07:11

He's recently grown a beard, and that has sparked it all back off for me!

Bowlersarm · 30/10/2014 07:11

Yes I do, after more than 25 years. He's very romantic though and puts a lot of time into our relationship which no doubt helps. We are both a hell of a lot older than those first few heady years when we couldn't keep our hands off each other but still passionate about each other (for our ages!).

I think you need to put some work in and try and get that spark back. Have date nights etc.

HolgerDanske · 30/10/2014 07:12

That is a really wonderful post, medusa.

EmberElftree · 30/10/2014 07:20

Together 8 years married for 3 so we're just beginners!

I fancy him loads, we have a bizarre connection, like an addiction. I love the smell of his skin and he mine, it must be pheromones. We snuggle every night on the sofa and kiss and cuddle each other all the time.

He too is a cyclist and has recently lost quite a bit of weight, aiming to get a six pack by Christmas! He has naturally golden skin & black hair with silver at the temples

Leela5 · 30/10/2014 07:27

Together 6 years married for 1.5.

Went through period of not fancying him a few years ago, mostly due to implant which took away my sex drive. In two years I think we had sex about 4 times.

But the last two years it creeped back and now I think he's hotter than ever. I love the lines on his face that weren't there at the start, he's more relaxed in himself and we have such a laugh and a bond together. He makes me laugh every single day.

We went through a miscarriage three weeks ago and I'd say it's brought us closer together. I love being with him and fancy the pants off him!

Vanillepudding · 30/10/2014 07:30

Yes I do. We've been together 22 years.

Lizzylou · 30/10/2014 07:34

That is such a lovely post Medusa and sums up my thoughts.
We have been together for 18yrs, married for 12 yrs, yes I still do fancy dh. Very much so at the moment. These MAMILs are reaping the rewards of all that cycling, eh?!

Clarabumps · 30/10/2014 07:40

My DP has recently grown a beard and I fancy him so much more recently. I don't know if it's the change or that fact he looks like a fisherman. I just really fancy him these days. He hasn't changed much since we got together 15 years ago, a few more around his eyes but he really suits it. bastard

I echo what medusa says, I think me fancying him relates sometimes to who he is and how much we've been through together.

Has anyone else found that they don't actually see many men that they do fancy? When I was in my early 20's I felt like I fancied everyone, nowadays there's the odd day time I see someone in the street and think that they are handsome. It is the odd time. Perhaps twice a year.

ineedausername · 30/10/2014 07:41

Been together 6 years, and most mornings when I see him in his suit I think "yes!" But then it's also the little things, like seeing him with the kids, when he brings me a cuppa and ignores all my no sleep grumps I just think he is bloody lovely in everyday and that definitely helps me fancy him!

Purpleflamingos · 30/10/2014 07:45

Yes. Definitely. We are coming up to 10 years.

LovleyRitaMeterMaid · 30/10/2014 07:50

Together for 13 years since we were 18. I still fancy him! He's got flecks of grey in his hair and I got quite turned on when I spotted them and felt lucky that I am the one see him go grey!

RunByFruiting · 30/10/2014 07:50

Oh Medusa he sounds lovely!
Hope your son is over his gf soon.

We've only been together 6 years but doing well, still fancy each other most the time, biggest hurdle (aside from day to day stress) is how I've coped with my body changing thanks to pregnancy.
7monrhs with our third (& final!) atm

MrsWolowitz · 30/10/2014 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILovePud · 30/10/2014 07:57

Yes, definitely, been together over twenty years but he does seem to have aged better than me! He looks so sexy when he's going out to work or when he's dressed up for a night out.

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