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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send BIL a Christmas gift wishlist

58 replies

Topaz25 · 17/09/2014 13:40

Forgive me for mentioning the C word in September. Present exchange with BIL last year was a bit of a disaster. We got him an expensive video game he had previously expressed interest in but has since told us he has never played. He got us mugs (fine) and...cat flea collars!

Of course we are adults and don't have to exchange gifts this year but we would like to give him something while avoiding the awkwardness of last year. WIBU to send him some reasonably priced suggestions of gifts DH and I would like and ask him for suggestions of gifts he would like to avoid any more misunderstandings? Or should I just suggest we don't exchange gifts this year?

OP posts:
Hissy · 17/09/2014 13:41

No gifts. he's not 5 years old.

LadyLuck10 · 17/09/2014 13:42

I think this is absolutely not on. Just give and receive without expectations.

IHeartLockhart · 17/09/2014 13:43

I think ywbu to send him a gift list. Can you not just get him a bottle of a spirit/wine you know he likes and some chocolates or something?

Or just get him what you would like to get him and don't worry about what you get in return.

NotYouNaanBread · 17/09/2014 13:44

YABU. You're adults and it would be ridiculous. Keep your budget to £20 and leave it at that.

This wishlist thing for adults is one of those bizarre and inappropriate American imports that completely misses the point of gift-giving. Or indeed, "gifting". #dies

Thumbwitch · 17/09/2014 13:44

Sack the present giving off.

Or, if you really feel the need to exchange presents, ask him what he'd really like for Christmas as you're sad that your present for last year wasn't to his taste - and see if he has the manners to reciprocate. If not, either give him a gift voucher or no present.

Original poster
Topaz25 · 17/09/2014 13:47

I don't expect gifts but at the risk of sounding ungrateful, I would really rather receive nothing than cat flea collars and found it quite upsetting to open them as I saw it as a dig. Also I was disappointed that he didn't play the video game as we would have preferred to spend the money on something he would enjoy, so I would like to avoid those issues this year, either by not exchanging gifts or by making and asking for some suggestions. I thought of giving him a gift voucher to a restaurant we know he likes but unfortunately that wouldn't solve the problem of him potentially giving us an upsetting present.

OP posts:
BettyFocker · 17/09/2014 13:49

I think YABU.

Graciously accept whatever gift BIL gives you, even if it's not what you want. That's the whole point of gifts to me anyway. I can't imagine a scenario where doing this wouldn't sound quite rude and ungrateful.

Username12345 · 17/09/2014 13:49

And what is your backup plan for if he finds it grabby and gets in a mood with you?

nilbyname · 17/09/2014 13:52

Blimey.

Re gift the crap gift he sends you. Or donate it to a tombola.

Do not issue a gift list!! Uuurgh, completely grabby and rude and poor etiquette!

Thumbwitch · 17/09/2014 13:52

Look, you can't send him a wishlist unless he asks for one. Which is why I suggested you ask him first what he would like. If he doesn't respond and ask you back, then just give him a gift voucher that you can afford easily, and don't worry about what he gives you.

Or fgs try and find some humour in it! DH once gave me (and he was just so pleased with himself!) a 16Gb memory stick. It was the biggest available at the time (few years ago) and he thought he'd done so well giving me a useful present! Silly sod.

StrangeGlue · 17/09/2014 13:53

I don't think you can do wish lists. I think you should either lower your budget (I assume video game was pricey) and then shrug any weird gift from him off or stop doing gifts.

Original poster
Topaz25 · 17/09/2014 13:53

Yes, I'll try that.

OP posts:
Scholes34 · 17/09/2014 13:54

Give something you would like to give. We exchange token gifts with my DB and SIL, usually something foodie, which means a trip to Waitrose for something they wouldn't be putting in their usual weekly shop. No flea collars, though.

Vitalstatistix · 17/09/2014 13:55

why did you see it as a dig?

And if you do think he is the type to have a dig at you by giving you cat collars (I of course am assuming you actually do have cats) because he doesn't like you or something, then what do you think he's going to do/say if you give him a gift list? He's going to use that as more reason to dislike you. If he does.

Or maybe he thinks the collars are useful. Perhaps you have moaned about fleas? Maybe he's shit at gift buying.

I think rather than go down a gift list route, you would be better served saying we are only doing gifts for kids this year, cos we are tightening our belts.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 17/09/2014 13:56

Get him something like a £5 box of chocolates or wine. Then it doesn't matter if he gets you a rubbish present. If it is practical (like flea collars assuming you have a cat!) just use it quickly.

Original poster
Topaz25 · 17/09/2014 13:57

I did smile and say thank you at the time, I wasn't rude but it was really awkward and rather than us both wasting money on things the other person doesn't like and faking smiles then donating/dumping I would rather exchange gifts we will actually enjoy.

OP posts:
Thurlow · 17/09/2014 13:57

No, no, no. Not a gift list.

You could ask him what he might like. That's polite. He might then ask if return if there is anything you like.

The only time gift lists are acceptable are when it's a whole family tradition. Only then.

wouldn't solve the problem of him potentially giving us an upsetting present

It's a present. Upsetting? How is it upsetting? No, it's just something you won't use much.

Presents are gifts, not a right or an expectation. Accept politely and smile, and then pass on or give to charity if it isn't your cup of tea.

I have already had one text from a friend saying what they'd like me to get them for Christmas Hmm It's taken all my politeness not to respond with anything rude!

Gift lists and asking for things when you've not been asked to provide suggestions is just plain rude and grabby.

MrsWinnibago · 17/09/2014 13:58

Follow his lead and do cheap/fun presents. We had this when I went to MILS the first year. DH never told me they only do jokey silly presents and I'd got quite expensive things whilst I received a keyring which shouted swear words.

Hmm

The year after I got silly things and was presented with expensive beauty sets!

Original poster
Topaz25 · 17/09/2014 13:59

I don't see myself as grabby, as I would rather receive a box of my favorite sweets from poundland than worry that someone has spent a lot of money on something I won't or can't use but I can see how it could be interpreted that way. I think that to be more tactful I will go with the idea of asking him what he would like and then hoping he asks us.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 17/09/2014 14:00

Oh I can see the "dig" potential for cat collars - 1) they're not present for humans, they're for cats and 2) if the OP has cats, then it's possibly a suggestion that the BIL thinks they need flea collars and the OP has failed to address this.

Original poster
Topaz25 · 17/09/2014 14:02

It's upsetting because it was so unexpected and seemed like a dig along the lines of saying we don't take care of our house or pets. We were polite and pleasant about it but felt mortified.

OP posts:
Original poster
Topaz25 · 17/09/2014 14:02

Sorry cross posted. Thumbwitch summed it up.

OP posts:
NutellaPancakes · 17/09/2014 14:05

Lol, it is only September, and you are already fretting at the prospect of receiving an "upsetting gift".

You can't control what other people give you. It is rude. It is not what gift giving is about.

People who buy good, well-received gifts usually know you well, spend a lot of time with you, notice what you like or what you need.
So it's better to give people you know less well a smaller, token gift. You don't really know what they'd like, so just give a little thing to show you have thought of them, and perhaps they will do the same. Don't send an itemised list telling them what to buy!

Scuttlebutter · 17/09/2014 14:07

DH's family do gift lists, and it also helps that there are quite a few birthdays at the end of the year, including FIL, MIL and DH himself. Where everyone is on board with it, it's actually very sensible and ensures people still get a surprise but it's something they actually want, which to me is great, as it ensures nobody is wasting money on tat or a gift that sits in the cupboard, unused. And the level of gifts is quite modest, typically no more than £20 - £25 plus a few nice home made goodies like chutney, sloe gin etc. So typically, it might include things like a bottle of single malt for FIL, or a fragrance gift set for MIL.

If I had a cat, I wouldn't find flea collars a strange gift. We have four dogs and we often receive things for them.

zippey · 17/09/2014 14:09

The majority have it right here. Any of the following:

  1. No presents for anyone above the age of 18
  2. Presents but max value 20
  3. Get him a shit present - A cheap body spray pack?

But dont give him a gift list unless he asks for one. It appears grabby and tacky on your part.

Have a joke with him about the flea collars. You can laugh about it now, the silly sausage.